Computer Joke thread

[hard candy]

A thread with computer jokes:
1. Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1!!! F1!!!" and nobody understood it.

2.The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

3. Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seventy two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle ...

4. A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
Genie: "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
Programmer: "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs and let them ask sensible changes."
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

[JoeyJoeJo]

This is kinda dumb, but....

Q: Whats the difference between win95 and win98?

A: 3 Years

[Icarus]

Joel...it's time for your shock treatments...remember, more voltage

"It's not the volts that kill you, it's the amps"

[cybertron]

On some of the laptops we have: Designed for Windows ME

Just about anything in JohnT's sig:)

[hard candy]

This one is for Bwkaz ( who helps a lot of people on this forum and is a nice person, but I couldn't resist)
Bwkaz was walking down the hall one day when he heard this voice.
“Bwkaz, this is GOD.”
Bwkaz replied, “Who is this?”
“This is GOD”
Bwkaz, “ Yea, right. Show me some sign or a miracle or something”
All of a sudden a burning bush sprang up in the middle of the hall.
Bwkaz, “OK, so you might be God. What do you want?”
God said, “Bwkaz, you will create a program to help spread the gospel”
Bwkaz, “ What kind of a program? Is this an open source or closed source? Do you want java, executables, etc. What language, C, C+, Assembly, Fortran, Lisp, Perl, Python, etc., etc., etc. C is great. C++ is baroque (or worse). If you need OO, then Java might be an alternative (though the majority of the time, you don't really need OO). Or Python (it's OO is pretty decent). And do you want it in standard format, what compiler? And if you want VB, do you want it to port over to others? See, you might be able to keep a std::vector<> of function pointers, but it wouldn't automatically be type-safe; you'd have to take precautions on both ends to ensure the right values got passed to the event handler. And I don't even think you can take the address of a member function; I think the function has to be static in order for the address-of operator to work properly (part of it has to do with the hidden this pointer that gets passed by the compiler to all C++ class-member functions).
GObject gets my vote for a good object system too. It's implemented in C, not C++, but that's because C++ is too monstrous for the tastes of the developers at Gtk/glib/Gnome "headquarters". It's also too monstrous for my tastes; it's downright impossible to keep it all in your head at once. And if you want to have multiple components handling a single event separately (doing something different in each of them, or each of them doing a part of the whole amount of work that needs to be done), then you will use the fact that events can have multiple listeners……………………………………………………….”
God, “ Sheesh, forget about it, I’m sticking with stone tablets”.

No offense intended.
:D

[Parcival]

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a hardware problem.

[Pafnoutios]

Computer Programmer Al was walking down the street. His friend, Computer Programmer Bob, rode up on a motorcycle and stopped to talk.
"Wow!" exclaimed Al, "Where did you get that motorcycle?"
"Well," explained Bob, "I was walking down the street a while ago when a model wearing nothing but shoes drove up, jumped off the bike, spread her arms out, and said, 'Take what you want.'"
"Good choice," nodded Al approvingly, "the shoes probably wouldn't have fit."

[XiaoKJ]

I personally would add the hot thread in here, but why not let you users read it yourself -- its a bit below the latest threads we post on the main page.

The link to Computer Stupidities (http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid) is in there too, and I always have had a good laugh...:D

[Pvt. Kernel]

Q. Why are computer chips so small?

A. Because computers don't eat much.





The computer is not a new invention, there were even computers in the Garden of Eden. You see, Eve had an Apple and Adam had a Wang.





If your CGI script locks up is that Perl Jam?





Why do network admins get Halloween and Christmas confused?

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

[bwkaz]

Originally posted by hard candy
God, "Sheesh, forget about it, I’m sticking with stone tablets". :D

<side note> Can you tell I don't like C++ much? ;) </side note>

[gehidore]

Originally posted by Icarus
"It's not the volts that kill you, it's the amps"

which is why its fun to play with 10000v tesla coils and make people think your dying.

[cybertron]

A microcosm of my life:

A computer geek is walking down the street one day and comes across a talking frog. The frog says: "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask." The geek puts the frog in his pocket and continues walking. The frog says from his pocket: "Are you deaf? I said I'm a beautiful princess, all you have to do is kiss me!" He takes the frog back out of his pocket and says: "I'm a computer geek, so I don't have time for women. But a talking frog is really cool.":)

I'd give credit for where I first saw this but I don't remember:rolleyes:

[bs_texas]

I find this (http://home.earthlink.net/~bennies1/dilbert2.jpg) amusing.

[Dark Ninja]

So, many people refer to their boats/cars/etc in the feminine gender. (The only one I understood was a whale..."Thar she blows." That makes sense.) Anyway, this brings up the question of -- what gender is a computer? A group of men and a group of women were polled. Here are the results.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[gehidore]

Originally posted by Dark Ninja
So, many people refer to their boats/cars/etc in the feminine gender. (The only one I understood was a whale..."Thar she blows." That makes sense.) Anyway, this brings up the question of -- what gender is a computer? A group of men and a group of women were polled. Here are the results.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


EVERY THING ive got is 'female' my .308 short barrel sniper is named 'stephnie' although i did not give it the name i surely kept it. when i refer to my box i say things like, 'she...'

[hard candy]

Bill Gates (CEO of Microsoft), Andy Grove(CEO of Intel) and Jerry Sanders (CEO of AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.

Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.

Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."

The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.

When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"

The others nod, and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."

[XiaoKJ]

Paranoia --

I was using email, just a few weeks ago, with hotmail and mail.com on my screen.

I was typing away on the computer when my father came around and said, "what email was that?"

My mother suddenly turned around, and hysterically exclaimed, "EMAIL??!! What have you to do with it? Give ME all the passwords and delete them!"

If gentoo users (I am) are control freaks, I cannot describe my mother....

[Syngin]

An oldie but a goodie. :) :


Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

- A "don't remind me again" button.
- Minimize button.
- Ability to delete the "headache" file
- An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss of other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

[hard candy]

That was a good one...:D

You Know You've Been on the Computer Too Long When...

* When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
* When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
* When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
* When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
* When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
* When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"
* When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
* When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
* When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
* When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
* When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
* You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '\', and continue writing on the next line.
* You try to sleep, and think ... "telnet xxx.dreams.heaven"

[gehidore]

Originally posted by hard candy
* When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".


sadly ive been known by many 'math' teachers to start at 0

[Legithrandil]

whenever i count on my hands, i have a tendency to do so in binary. that's sad.

[hard candy]

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

[hard candy]

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch.

[XiaoKJ]

When I was completely new to networking, I made quite a jumble.

I needed to configure a network that:

1) needs a modem to dial online by ADSL
2) wants wireless networking
3) wants to connect at least 5 computers

And knowing that only routers can do that, I went shopping.

I came accross Netgear, and bought 2 devices -- an ADSL router modem and a wireless ethernet 4 port router.

Both DHCP servers are on and both ip ranges are IDENTICAL.

And it took me 3 days to find out that the input and output ip address of routers cannot be the same...:D

When we finally went to wireless, we faced a better dillema. The customer wanted WEP...

And gave as a name for the WEP password -- we didn't know what to do... the name was just nice for 64bit WEP -- and we ended up adding both the name and the WEP encoded name into the system

[the system made such a trouble the customer removed WEP completely]

[hard candy]

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!

[DAudioLink@Sch]

If what I was told is right, (at least) my state's educaton system has sold out to m$. They've signed a contract with m$ in which one of the clauses requires them to buy ONLY m$ products. Needless to say I am not happy about this, so I'm going to send a letter to the head of technology for education, all the representitivies for my county in state legeslature and the ones up on Capital Hill. I will be posting a copy of the letter I will be sending to these people soon, right now I'm revising it. If there is anything you think I should add let me know please. Here or at DAudioLink@Insightbb.com
If you are going to tell me to give up or to stop trying because it's useless, I kindly ask you to leave without replying to this post. I will not listen to anyone or anything that tells me to stop trying. I will not stop untill Bill bows down to the might that is the Penguin!

[plonka2000]

Where is this anyway? :)

[hard candy]

`North Carolina. They must have gotten some good terms from Microsoft. I'm surprised they didn't split the contract and give Redhat the server side since Redhat is located in North Carolina. But it may have been a package deal.
Now if you look at it, how many on the state school board actually use Linux as opposed to Microsoft.
See if you can get Redhat on your side, that will help.

[JohnT]

Its a much different story where I live......LINKS (http://www.google.com/linux?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&q=texas+government+linux&btnG=Google+Search)

[XiaoKJ]

Microsoft TV Dinner Product Insert
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:

<ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

-- courtesy of computer-jokes.net

[goon12]

Q. What's the difference between a girl and a computer?


A. A computer WILL take a 3.5" floppy.

[hard candy]

If linux package managers ran coffee pots:

the rpm coffee pot- would only load the coffee, you would have to fetch the water, electricity, sugar and cream in separate actions.

the emerge coffeepot- it would plant the coffee bean bush, irrigate it, fertilize it, pick the beans, roast them, and then load them in the coffee pot. And then it would start drilling a well for water...

the swaret coffepot- it would only use old coffee unless you specifically programmed it to use newer coffee. But it would check and make sure water was present.

the apt-get coffee pot- it would give you 16 different flavors of coffee to choose from, 5 types of water to pick, and then would also prepare tea, hot chocolate, chicken soup, and iced coffee depending on the source.

the source coffeepot- you would go to Radio Shack and buy a circuit board, some soldering supplies, and some wire and start building the coffee pot.

the install shield coffee pot- every time it finished brewing a pot, you would have to turn it off and back on again.

[banzaikai]

Yeah...

Up here in Michigan, our DMV uses MS Windows 2000 Server for all their operations. How do I know this? Well, I was in there May 1st renewing plate tabs, and all the machines were rebooting. What should have been a ten minute trip wound up taking over 40 minutes because after the terminals had finished booting, the entire system would go down again, requiring another system-wide reboot. I was there at 11AM, and the poor guy behind the counter confessed that it had been about the fifth time that day they had to restart everything.

I thought that maybe it was some virus/worm that triggered on May 1st (May Day!)...

The funny part was what I saw as I left the counter: a sign that read "The computers are down! Please have patience!"

It wasn't hand-written, it was done by a local sign shop :D

banzai "glad it's only once a year" kai

[The Linux Kid]

I feel sorry for you mate! At my school we use Novell on our servers (which the later versions are based on linux i believe) and Mac OS X, Mac OS 9 and also some various versions of doze on the workstations, but I have nearly finished negotiations with the school to change one computer lab to linux..... The best way I believe to make something happen is to make an appointment with someone who matters (in my case it was the Network Systems Administrator) and explain to them the benefits of linux ie its free, its free, its free, its free, its stable and you can run the same thing on both mac's and pc's. The main selling point for me was that it was stable becuase the workstations running doze crash all the time...

</rant>

Wow that was longwinded....

The Linux Kid

[hard candy]

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense.

Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.

I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck:

you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

[evac-q8r]

How is that a contract? How can any company or organization legally bind some entity to purchase only their products. That doesn't make any sense. Contracts cannot exclude a person or organization from buying other products. This is a capitalist society, not communist.

EVAC

[x_Ray]

They just make the contract, its up to you to agree to and sign it. What kind of fool would actually sign such a thing though is beyond me...

[RodNICE]

How come Linux users take critiques of Linux as personal attacks whereas Windows users do not seem to be this way? Relax, it's just 1's and 0's, not human life.


Anywho, I think the problem with Microsoft is their LOVE for money. They are out to make money by any means necessary. Because they have so much dough now, their influence is far-reaching.


I think this thread should be locked. We are better than this.

[RodNICE]

I hate Microshaft for making a product (Windows) that does all for me. With Linux and it's distros, I get to invest months and years in figuring out how to get my system to the point where I can be productive.

With Window$, I'm productive upon install, but at what cost? Somewhere down the line, I'll have to need to know a bit more about my hardware or how the compiled code was parsed.

With Windoze, It makes it easy to the point that I'm lazy to even protect my system. My 5 year old seems to have figured out a great deal of how to browse the Net with little intervention from daddy. My neices and nephews come over and automatically begin clicking through, and downloading pics for school projects which they import into Word and then print out. I mean sheesh, they should be expected to toil over how to get the printer working. I went to school and paid a lot of money for my education so they should at least be making a similar sacrifice.

My system crashed or became buggy every other month or so (probably due to no viru$ $oftware) so I've given up on keeping it clean and just Ghosting it when needed. The 15 minutes it takes to do that is such a waste of time.

Computers should give us a lifelong learning experience which M$ fails to realize. Unfortunately though, I see Linux distros moving towards the direction of increased user-friendliness and decreased learning curves to one day surpass M$. I may one day have a Linux system that allows me to be brain-dead and instantly productive, but this author asks, at what cost?

[JohnT]

I hate Microshaft for making a product (Windows) that does all for me. With Linux and it's distros, I get to invest months and years in figuring out how to get my system to the point where I can be productive. What do you consider productive? Half-page ranting post about how your so mistreated by Linux and long for the warm soft fuzzy feeling you get from MS? OK....just missed your perception first time around. Sorry:D

[hard candy]

My name is Spam.
Spam I Am.
I have some stuff I'd like to sell.
Take a look! It's really swell!

I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
$500 software that really rocks!
Just 20 bucks--still in the box!

You are really full of bunk.
I do not want your bootleg junk!
I do not want your worthless Spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
How about some fast cash?
Fifty Thousand in a flash!!!

How stupid do you think I am?
I won't join your shady scam.
You are a sucker, you silly gitch.
If it worked, we'd all be rich!
I do not want your worthless spam.


I went to your site; it really sucks!
For this you're charging lots of bucks?
You could at least learn to spell.
Why don't you just go to hell.
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Don't pretend your ads are new.
You insult us when you do.
I won't buy your worthless stocks.
Our heads are not full of rocks
Stop it Spam. Enough's enough.
I do not want your trashy stuff!
I do not want your damn spam!
I do not want it Spam I Am!

[DAudioLink@Sch]

If you don't like reading Post Subjects: This is in Kentucky.
Sorry it took so long to post a reply here. I've been busy packing, we're moving next week.
If you look at the terms for the XP license, on of the conditions in there is something about agreeing to only use m$ products....Which is one of the main reasons I won't use XP. evac-q8r I was wondering the same thing, when I asked my dad he said that it's like when a company helps build a stadium (e.g. The Papa Johns Stadium in Louisville) there is a contract that is signed by whoever runs the stadium with Papa Johns, in which they agree to only sell Papa Johns pizza there. It's a shame this is legal to do the the Government though....
I'm not a lawyer, but I saw an article about the Court ruling on that idiot from Cali that tried to have 'Under God' removed from the Pledge. And I starting thinking, if someone can claim that is unconstitutional, could this be claimed unconstitutional too? I think there might be some kind of claim {I/we pick one} could make about this being a violation of the First Amendment or one of the other Amendments. I plan on checking that out, but if anyone else would mind looking too and posting anything they think could be used I'd be very grateful.
Anyways, here's part(?) of the opening paragraph: I am writing you in response to a problem that I feel may have become uncontrollable, and also has a serious impact on the education of millions. I will be old enough to vote by the time you are eligible for reelection. I believe that the dependence on Microsoft-based programs and environments in the school system has continued past its time.”
I am not sure about the wording yet, but as of right now I am going to include something along the lines of 'I, nor anyone in the Open Source Community cannot offer you the same 'incentives' as the ones Microsoft undoubtedly can, however we can offer you the chance to be the one who revives the Arts programs in the public schools of the Nation. After all, even if a move is made just to the OpenOffice.org office suite, that frees up Fifty ($50) or more dollars per computer. Money that can go to other needed things, anything from repairing a leaky roof to building a new football field.'

[evac-q8r]

After thinking about it somewhat longer I can see how that might be possible. There must be an aweful lot of incentive. I think it is the same as say for instance Taco Bell & KFC only selling Pepsi whereas Wendy's & McDonald's only sell Coca-Cola. They probably get an enormous discount. There is somewhat of a difference though. This is a case where you are selling products to the public. So when a company virtually gives you their product it would be unfair to a degree to sell a competing product along side theirs or else they would have decided not to "give" it to you in the first place.

In the case of purchasing M$ products for use by a company which obviously the company doesn't have the option to resell to the public.
The only thing that I can think of is they don't want you considering other products after they have virtually given their product to you. Makes sense since they realize how much potential Linux has. The only problem now is that you don't necessarily need to "purchase" Linux products or all open-source products. :)

EVAC

[JohnT]

Taco Bell & KFC only selling Pepsi Pepsico owns both.

[hard candy]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the open desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'. You asked me to write 'click' again. So I wrote 'click' again."

[sharth]

Originally posted by DAudioLink@Sch
I'm not a lawyer, but I saw an article about the Court ruling on that idiot from Cali that tried to have 'Under God' removed from the Pledge. And I starting thinking, if someone can claim that is unconstitutional, could this be claimed unconstitutional too? I think there might be some kind of claim {I/we pick one} could make about this being a violation of the First Amendment or one of the other Amendments. I plan on checking that out, but if anyone else would mind looking too and posting anything they think could be used I'd be very grateful. He lost.

[hard candy]

New product cuts stress
From "Machine Design" Magazine.

.....Byte Bat

All too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where the Byte Bat comes in.

It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers.

Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one genuine "Byte Bat User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that "This computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat."

[hard candy]

Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows XP: Microsoft Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows XP. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.

"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows XP will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."

Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued.

[bathory]

Another one for our beloved M$

Tech Support: What is your problem?
Customer: There is smoke coming out of the power supply!
Tech Support: I think you need a new PSU.
Customer: No! I need to modify some system files.
Tech Support: You have to believe me. You need to change your PSU
Customer: No way! I was told that I must modify system files and everything 'll be OK. All I want is to tell me the command I must type

After 10 minutes of talking, customer insists he's right so the technician gives up
Tech Support: OK. I'm sorry, you're right. There is a secret DOS command, which we don't encourage people to use.
Customer: See! I knew it!
Tech Support: You have to insert LOAD NOSMOKE.COM in the last line of CONFIG.SYS. Call me back to tell me if it works.

Another 10 minutes later:
Customer: Nothing happened! Power supply's still smoking!
Tech Support: Which DOS version are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22
Tech Support: Then you have problem. Your version does not have NOSMOKE.COM. You must contact Microsoft to ask for an upgrade. Please keep me informed.

An hour later:
Customer: I need a new PSU.
Tech Support: How comes?
Customer: You see, I called Microsoft and told them what you said me. They asked me for the power supply model, etc.
Tech Support: And what was their answer.
Customer: They told me that my power supply is not compatible with NOSMOKE.COM

[hard candy]

A husband with a computer addiction
My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via email, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,
Your Wife

[XiaoKJ]

Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

[hard candy]

Abbott calling Costello
Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.

Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

Abbott: Yes, that's correct.

Costello: No, what is it?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So, which is the one?

Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Costello: Stop this. Who are you?

Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.

Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

Abbott: Use 'what'.

Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Costello: Which one?

Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.

Costello: I want to find the revision code.

Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

Costello: Which command will do what I need?

Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.

Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

Costello: Write what?

Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Costello: Cut that out!

Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

Costello: Do you always do this?

Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Costello: HELP!

Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

Costello: You make me angry.

Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.

Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.

Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.

[hard candy]

Here is a story about one of the classic computer hacks.

Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at Motorola discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system. Through a simple programming strategy, it was possible for a user program to trick the system into running a portion of the program in `master mode' (supervisor state), in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then poke a large value into its `privilege level' byte (normally write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor, and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door was wide open.

Motorola quite properly reported this problem to Xerox via an official `level 1 SIDR' (a bug report with an intended urgency of `needs to be fixed yesterday'). Because the text of each SIDR was entered into a database that could be viewed by quite a number of people, Motorola followed the approved procedure: they simply reported the problem as `Security SIDR', and attached all of the necessary documentation, ways-to-reproduce, etc.

The CP-V people at Xerox sat on their thumbs; they either didn't realize the severity of the problem, or didn't assign the necessary operating-system-staff resources to develop and distribute an official patch.

Months passed. The Motorola guys pestered their Xerox field-support rep, to no avail. Finally they decided to take direct action, to demonstrate to Xerox management just how easily the system could be cracked and just how thoroughly the security safeguards could be subverted.

They dug around in the operating-system listings and devised a thoroughly devilish set of patches. These patches were then incorporated into a pair of programs called `Robin Hood' and `Friar Tuck'. Robin Hood and Friar Tuck were designed to run as `ghost jobs' (daemons, in UNIX terminology); they would use the existing loophole to subvert system security, install the necessary patches, and then keep an eye on one another's statuses in order to keep the system operator (in effect, the superuser) from aborting them.

One fine day, the system operator on the main CP-V software development system in El Segundo was surprised by a number of unusual phenomena. These included the following:

* Tape drives would rewind and dismount their tapes in the middle of a job. * Disk drives would seek back and forth so rapidly that they would attempt to walk across the floor. * The card-punch output device would occasionally start up of itself and punch a lace card. These would usually jam in the punch. * The console would print snide and insulting messages from Robin Hood to Friar Tuck, or vice versa. * The Xerox card reader had two output stackers; it could be instructed to stack into A, stack into B, or stack into A (unless a card was unreadable, in which case the bad card was placed into stacker B). One of the patches installed by the ghosts added some code to the card-reader driver... after reading a card, it would flip over to the opposite stacker. As a result, card decks would divide themselves in half when they were read, leaving the operator to re collate them manually.

Naturally, the operator called in the operating-system developers. They found the bandit ghost jobs running, and X'ed them... and were once again surprised. When Robin Hood was X'ed, the following sequence of events took place:

!X id1

id1: Friar Tuck... I am under attack! Pray save me! id1: Off (aborted)

id2: Fear not, friend Robin! I shall rout the Sheriff of Nottingham's men!

id1: Thank you, my good fellow!

Each ghost-job would detect the fact that the other had been killed, and would start a new copy of the recently slain program within a few milliseconds. The only way to kill both ghosts was to kill them simultaneously (very difficult) or to deliberately crash the system.

Finally, the system programmers did the latter --- only to find that the bandits appeared once again when the system rebooted! It turned out that these two programs had patched the boot-time OS image (the kernel file, in UNIX terms) and had added themselves to the list of programs that were to be started at boot time.

The Robin Hood and Friar Tuck ghosts were finally eradicated when the system staff rebooted the system from a clean boot-tape and reinstalled the monitor. Not long thereafter, Xerox released a patch for this problem.

It is alleged that Xerox filed a complaint with Motorola's management about the merry-prankster actions of the two employees in question. It is not recorded that any serious disciplinary action was taken against either of them.

[dalek]

Bet they listened the next time though. :rolleyes:

Nothing like a rude wake up call to a problem and it's severity.

Later

:D :D :D :D

[hard candy]

There was life before the computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

[hard candy]

A list of redneck computer terms
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

[NotQuiteSane]

ok, I have some. lets start out with the personal experiences. note I no longer live near this guy (thank Linus!)

neighbor's (http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?threadid=10227&highlight=nqs) kid asks me if I'll copy a music CD for him. I tell him to drop it off. ok, so it's waiting for me, and he says he included a blank CD to record it onto. great. so I pop open the case, to find he stuck 2 CD's in. oh well, maybe it's not damaged.

pop out blank CD, glance at the underside. the thing is so scratched it's no longer reflective. So I call him and tell him the disc is useless.. ok, he's gonna bring me another. shows up in a few minutes with a music CD. asks me to record over it.

"Uh, thta can't be done"
"sure it can!"
"no, those type of disc's are WORM disc's"
"huh"
"Write Once, Read Many. It means you can only write data to them once."

Then I offer one of my blank CD's. grab the orginal CD to record from, glance at it's underside...

"uh, why does this CD have Jelly on it?"

----------

Get a call from the neighbor, do I have yahoo messenger? No, I've got gaim, and it can communicate with Yahoo. No, no, not gaim, he wants yahoo messenger. um, ok. come over here, and I'll show you.

So he comes over, and I set up a user account for him, explain the basics of logging in and out, a 30 second howto on working with KDE.

"ok, klick the K menu, then goto Internet, then communications and choose gaim"
"Dude, You spelled game wrong"
"no, it's not a game, it's a IM client"
"but I don't want that, I want Yhaoo messenger!"
"this will work with yahoo. just click it."

Go through setting up his account. keep getting connection errors. he decides it's the client, and insists on downloading the yahoo messenger program. in particular the windows version. while it's downloading, he checks his yahoo mail.

unsurpriningly, a windows program doesn't run under linux nativly. so I have him load gaim again, still getting errors. so I pop in my yahoo name & password. works fine.

"hmm. I bet this is a password problem. are you sure you typed your password in correctly?"
"yes!"
"you're not making any mistakes?"
"no!"
"ok, so you can log into your mail, but not messenger. you're sure you're using the same password?"
"no, they have diffrent passwords"
"do me a favor, and type your e-mail password ito the password feild, and try that"
"hey, it works!"
--------

so, I'm messing around, and really screw up some things trying to upgrade to kde 3.1. decide to do a re-install to clean up some other mistakes. so I back up /home, and this time get wise and give it it's own partition. only trouble is I have to recreate the users and copy the data from the backup into their respective directories. I give his the temporary password "password", with the -e switch so he'll have to assign a new one next time he logs on.

So he comes over, I explain what I've done, and watch over his shoulder to make sure he can log on.

tries the graphical log in. no go. So I tell him to goto a text console

"what's that?"
"press control-alt-F1. now type your username. Now type password. ok, type password again"
(computer rejects the entry and logs him off. 2 more tries with the same results)

"ok, do exactly as I say: type in your username and press return"
"ok"
"type password in lowercase and hit return"
"ok"
(screen prompts for old password)
"type password again"
"but that's not my old password!"
"yes it is, i assigned it as a temporary one"
(get's new passwored promts, we exit and goto the X console)

"can I play yahoo games?"
"If you have to download them they may not run on this machine"
"why not?"
"because this is a linux machine. and I refuse to put windows on it."
"what for?"
"because it's closed source. You can't see the code"
(blank stare)
(downloads a yahoo game, it runs under Wine)
"ok, I want to play pool. how Do I download that?"
(i look at the page for pool)
"ok, I don't see a download link, i's probably a java game. I've only got 1.3.1, and since 1.4.1 is the current it may not work."
(he tries to load it while I go walk the dog)
"it doesn't work!"
"ok, i guess it needs a newer Java. I don't feel like downloading it tonight" (i'm on dialup)
(goes and plays his game, get's me to try it. I keep snickering at the words "does not run on mac or unix computers"., he announces he's going home, and asks me to try to get pool working. I try loading it again myself to ssee if I can get any errors to figure out the exact problem. Hmm, wait 3 minutes to load. ok, I move it's window to desktop 2, and go back to playing the game. after a bit a check on it, and yep, it's loaded just fine. I hang up and call over to him)


"when You tried loading that game, did you follow the instructions?"
"yeah"
"including where it said wait 3 minutes?"
"yeah"
"well, it loaded fine for me, when I tried it"
"uh...."

NQS

[NotQuiteSane]

Unix Admin Horror.

From: dbrillha@dave.mis.semi.harris.com (Dave Brillhart)
Organization: Harris Semiconductor

We can laugh (almost) about it now, but...

Our operations group, a VMS group but trying to learn UNIX, was assigned
account administration. They were cleaning up a few non-used accounts
like they do on VMS - backup and purge. When they came across the
account "sccs", which had never been accessed, away it went. The
"deleteuser" utility fom DEC asks if you would like to delete all
the files in the account. Seems reasonable, huh?

Well, the home directory for "sccs" is "/". Enough said :-(

From: djs@jet.uk (David J Stevenson)
Organization: Joint European Torus

In [W1NRB20H@cc.swarthmore.edu] hirai@cc.swarthmore.edu (Eiji Hirai) writes:
]...[some deleted]
](4) I heard this from a fellow sysadmin friend. My friend was forced to
]work with some sysadmins who didn't have their act together. One day, one
]of them was "cleaning" the filesytem and saw a file called "vmunix" in /.
]"Hmm, this is taking up a lot of space - let's delete it". "rm /vmunix".

]My friend had to reinstall the entire OS on that machine after his coworker
]did this "cleanup". Ahh, the hazards of working with sysadmins who really
]shouldn't be sysadmins in the first place.
When this happened to a colleague (when I worked somewhere else) he restored
vmunix by copying from another machine. Unfortunately, a 68000 kernel does
not run very well on a Sparc...

[NotQuiteSane]

A friend of mine wanted to keep track of the other users on the UNIX systems of our university. There is a nice command "last" on UNIX which will list the last users to have logged in. So he wrote a script that'd log in to all workstations of the department by remote shell and run the "last" command, with the results sent back to the originating host, to be collected in aggregate form.

He called this little script "last" -- same name as the UNIX system command -- and put it in his home directory. His path was set up so his home directory had a higher precedence than the UNIX bin directories. So when he ran the "last" command, it would use his own script instead of the system command.

So he ran the script. It logged in to all the other workstations just fine. Then it ran the "last" command -- the one in his home directory, of course, not the system command. You can guess what happened. It got in an infinite loop that tried to log into every workstation an infinite number of times. This very effectively nuked off the whole department, and all workstations had to be shut down for it to stop.

[NotQuiteSane]

About a year ago, I was called out to do field service. When I got to the lady's house and was let in, the first thing I noticed was the smell of gunpowder. The second, the double barreled 12-gauge shotgun lying on the couch. Third, the big gaping hole in the side of her computer. (It was one of those Macs where the CPU and monitor are in the same housing.)

I looked at her. She was a little grey haired woman, around 60 or so. Had she? Not possible. Still, I had to ask.

* Me: "Did you shoot...?"
* Customer: "Yes, I got a little mad at it. They told me I couldn't hurt it, but I think they were wrong. Can you salvage anything?"

I mumbled something about not being a Mac tech and told her I would send one out as soon as I could. Then I burned rubber out of there.

About a month later, my boss called me in; he had the woman on hold. She had apparently complained that I was not competent and that I had lied when I said I would send out a competent Mac tech -- or perhaps I just hadn't been able to find anyone competent working for us. I filled him in. He paused for a second, picked up the phone, and said, "Ma'am? Did you put a shotshell into your computer? ... Uh huh...I'm sorry, ma'am, we really can't...well, no.... I'll try to send one out.... Nice doing business with you...." He hung up, looked at me, and said, "You think any of our Mac techs will go?" I shook my head. "Me neither."

We heard from her again last week, when my boss told me that the woman had called up to cuss me out, saying not only was I a "young whippersnapper" but also a liar, since one of our competitors had fixed her computer just fine, even fixing the little scratches and stuff on the monitor glass. That sounded fishy, so I went over and talked with the techs. After a case of canned drinks and a few bags of junk food, I wormed the whole story out of them. Apparently, about the only salvagable part was the hard drive (which the buckshot had missed), so they took it out, went out and bought a whole new computer, slapped the hard drive in, and presented it to the lady as her repaired computer -- of course charging her an arm and a leg.

[NotQuiteSane]

As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women, all of
whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing sinuously.

Addicted To vi
(with apologies to Robert Palmer)

You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.

You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

You edit files one at a time;
That doesn't seem too out of line?
You don't think of keys to bind--
A meta key would blow your mind.
H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed?
Expressions must be a Joy!
Just press "f", or is it "t"?
Maybe "n", or just "g"?

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!

You press the keys without effect,
Your life is now a wreck.
What a waste! Such a shame!
And all you have is vi to blame.

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!

Copyright 1989, by Chuck Musciano. All Rights Reserved

[NotQuiteSane]

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."
Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

[NotQuiteSane]

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...

[NotQuiteSane]

AOL Diary


July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I can't get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter than the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DIDN'T KNOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called "Make Money Fast". I'm so excited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

[hard candy]

Real posting... (Score:5, Funny)
by Doug Merritt (3550) <doug AT remarque DOT org> on Friday November 14, @07:06PM (#7478115)
(http://remarque.org/~doug | Last Journal: Saturday December 07, @01:44PM)
This was a real posting to a job list a few months ago:


> From: Jenny Richards [mailto:..........@yahoo.com]
> Sent: Friday, May 09, 2003 11:11 AM
> To: .........@yahoogroups.com
> Subject: [.......] Entry level programmer in Duluth, MN
>
> Location : Duluth, MN
> Term : 1 year
> Rate : $5.10 / hour
>
> Requirements:
>
> - 21+ years of J2EE Development.
> - Fluent Sanskrit.
> - PhD in Computer Science and 17th Century French Poetry.
> - Must have had 4 or more products that sold 1,000,000 copies.
> - Must be a member of the Mayflower Society.
>
> Locals to Duluth given preference.
> All requirements are mandatory, so don't waste my time by sending my
> your pathetic resume unless you're a perfect fit.

[hard candy]

And a response:
My Job (Score:5, Funny)
by Jennifer E. Elaan (463827) <je@nanosoft.hypermart.net> on Friday November 14, @07:47PM (#7478450)
(http://caladan.nanosoft.ca/)
Fine... this isn't a job posting, this is an actual description of my job duties, but I'll make it look like one:
Senior SQL Administrator/Programmer (PostgreSQL)
Senior Web Applications Developer (PHP). E-Commerce experience an asset.
Toolchain/Plugin Developer (C/C++). Develop PostgreSQL plugins and in-house applications.
Senior Network Administrator on a heterogeneous FreeBSD/Linux/WindowsXP environment. Must possess strong skills in server application deployment and windows interoperability. Must possess a background in firewall and network design.
BCS/BEE and/or 10+ years of proven software design experience.
Background in cryptography is an asset.
Must be willing to work overtime when necessary at 1x pay.
Benefits Package: none, contract basis, terminatable at any time without severance package
Pay: $14 Canadian/hour

Wait a minute... what am I doing? Is anyone looking for a developer (or hardware engineer for that matter)?

(Are you sure about that CS degree???? :) )

[Satanic Atheist]

If it isn't painfully obvious yet...

Windows RG (http://www.hahahumor.com/funny-flash-movies/windows-edition.htm) is the latest and greatest operating system from Microsoft!

James

[Icarus]

Originally posted by Satanic Atheist
If it isn't painfully obvious yet...

Windows RG (http://www.hahahumor.com/funny-flash-movies/windows-edition.htm) is the latest and greatest operating system from Microsoft!

James That was funny 3 years ago...and still is today!

[hard candy]

Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s

by Scott Adams (scottadams @aol.com)

I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip "Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.

If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin Costner.

Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?

I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead.

But that skill is becoming less important every year.

Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.

It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny:

Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support).

Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.

Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at tourists.

Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential.

And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.

Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.

It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've written so far.

If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone.

I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.)

Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.

You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at them twice.

It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go.

Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.

In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.

[hard candy]

*ring* *ring*

"Hello! Technical Support, how can I help you?"

"Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak"

"Okay... well, do you have to go now?"

"Yes, I do"

"Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?"

"MALE-CLONE..."

"Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.."

"My what?"

"Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down"

"I see shoes"

"No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.."

"The round thing?"

"Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways"

"Oh, okay.. got it. [pause] Okay, it's open.."

"Okay, sir... can you grab your willy?"

"No."

"Do you see your willy?"

"No."

"Okay... what do you see?"

"I see white... just white and some lines.."

"Do you have underwear installed?"

"No."

"Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white... I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak...."

"Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly... he might have installed underwear..."

"Okay, sir... well grab the white part and pull down... keep pulling until you see your willy.."

"It's stuck... it won't go down..."

"The white part? Or your willy?"

"My willy..."

"DON"T pull down on your willy, sir... just the underwear... we only want to get to the point where we can see it...."

"Oh... okay, we're there...."

"Okay... now look around the room... do you see anything made of porcelain?"

"I see a little penguin on a shelf ..."

"Okay, sir...you're in the living room.... go to the bathroom. We can't take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of tile, maybe some carpeting... yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms..."

"Well, I'm downstairs... I think the bathroom is upstairs..."

"Okay, well... let's go upstairs..."

"I can't walk..."

"Okay, sir... temporarily reinstall your underwear... then go upstairs..then uninstall your underwear again..."

"That was the white part, right?"

"Yes, sir... that's correct..."

[pause]

"Okay, I'm upstairs..."

"Okay... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?"

"Well, there's two..."

"How tall are you sir?"

"5'4" .."

"Okay... go to the one where it's lower than your willy...."

"Okay....I'm there"

"Okay... now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl..now just go.... "

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when it pops up... just hit "okay"....."

[cybertron]

Originally posted by hard candy
*ring* *ring*

"Hello! Technical Support, how can I help you?"

"Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak"

...Lots of text that doesn't need to be quoted:)...

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when it pops up... just hit "okay"....."

Scary. A glimpse into what life would be like if everyone were as incompetent at other things as they are at computers:D.

[MighMos]

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's -- after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

[-=Gerrit=-]

Windows Plug and Play:

> "helpdesk, may i help you"
< "Yes, my windows tells me it can't see my printer"
> "What did you do to let windows recognice it?"
< "I put it in front of my monitor, but windows yet doesn't seem to see it!"

Bill about Memory:
640KB will be enough for a computer

[Icarus]

Originally posted by -=Gerrit=-
Bill about Memory:
640KB will be enough for a computer That and if it were true...
http://quote.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Gates
it's not really very funy...:rolleyes:


I just got this one in a spam email...anyone have a translation?
Subject: cleavage 3 debutantes
When fairy beyond cowboy is infected, football team living with prime minister approach about carpet tack.skyscraper of guardian angel strokes, because cup inside football team cook cheese grits for about somnambulist.Noel, the friend of Noel and hesitates with toothpick inside deficit.When eggplant defined by is psychotic, around cyprus mulch dance with toward diskette..
camera radiant chargeable beauregard dial ate And it had an image link that was to a "There is no website configured at this address."
I'm really curious what they might of been trying to sell me :p

[bburton]

Originally posted by Icarus
"It's not the volts that kill you, it's the amps"

Okay, sorry to be a party pooper and really off topic, but it's not the amps (current) or volts (potential) that will kill you... it's Watts (Power)

You can derive Power from Voltage multiplied by Current. I always remember to just use PIE:

P = Power or WATTS (W)
I = Current or AMPS (A)
E = Potential or Volts (V)
_
/ \
/ P \
/_____\
/ I | E \
/____|____\

P = I * E
I = P / E
E = P / I


I'm pretty sure that's right... for a much better explaination see this page: Ohm's Law (http://www.the12volt.com/ohm/ohmslaw.asp)

[gehidore]

Originally posted by bburton
Okay, sorry to be a party pooper and really off topic, but it's not the amps (current) or volts (potential) that will kill you... it's Watts (Power)

You can derive Power from Voltage multiplied by Current. I always remember to just use PIE:

P = Power or WATTS (W)
I = Current or AMPS (A)
E = Potential or Volts (V)
_
/ \
/ P \
/_____\
/ I | E \
/____|____\

P = I * E
I = P / E
E = P / I


I'm pretty sure that's right... for a much better explaination see this page: Ohm's Law (http://www.the12volt.com/ohm/ohmslaw.asp)

BUT!!!

if you have .01 amps combined with 10000V the chance of you dying is very slim, YET if you have 10000AMP's with .01 Volts, you'll have a nasty death.

[hard candy]

Okay, sorry to be a party pooper and really off topic, but it's not the amps (current) or volts (potential) that will kill you... it's Watts (Power)

That's positively shocking! (Or is it negatively ....?) I'm glad we're staying current on this, and it's nice to be plugged in. Did you read that off the wire? Or is it going round the circuit?


(Fourth down and he elected to pun. We got a kick out it ):D :D

[bburton]

Originally posted by gehidore
BUT!!!

if you have .01 amps combined with 10000V the chance of you dying is very slim, YET if you have 10000AMP's with .01 Volts, you'll have a nasty death.

Uhh, No.

You will receive the exact same shock, and therefore, the same chance of a nasty death in both scenarios.

Again....... just use PIE.

0.01 Amps * 10000 Volts = 100 Watts
AND
10000 Amps * 0.01 Volts = 100 Watts

[bburton]

Originally posted by hard candy
That's positively shocking! (Or is it negatively ....?) I'm glad we're staying current on this, and it's nice to be plugged in. Did you read that off the wire? Or is it going round the circuit?


(Fourth down and he elected to pun. We got a kick out it ):D :D

lol

Actually I cunducted it off the center tap of a power transformer....

Oh... wait... I'm such a nerd.

[bburton]

Originally posted by gehidore
amps cause the damage (you know 3rd degree burns and death).
so technicaly it is the amps. but really who cares.

Please, let me retort.

I'll let it go after this.

Electricity most commonly kills people by stopping their heart, which is more likely the bigger the overall shock (Watts).

I will give you that a high amp shock would probably be more likely to burn you (worse) than a low amp shock.

Just let me say that I really don't want to test out any of these theories!

Okay, back on-topic. Sorry for the /dev/randomness.

[gehidore]

Originally posted by bburton
Please, let me retort.

I'll let it go after this.

Electricity most commonly kills people by stopping their heart, which is more likely the bigger the overall shock (Watts).

I will give you that a high amp shock would probably be more likely to burn you (worse) than a low amp shock.

Just let me say that I really don't want to test out any of these theories!

Okay, back on-topic. Sorry for the /dev/randomness.

again you make a very good point.

this was fun, lets do it again sometime.

im free on the 7th how bout you?

[XiaoKJ]

In my country PIE stands for Pan-Island Expressway.

BTW, you can never get 100000amps with 0.1V on a human body....

and also never 100000V with 0.1amps

cos of the equation V=IR

its definitely not the volts cos the volts actually flow in the vacuum outside the conducting medium and the amps only show rate of current flow, which is not it either.

for the volts thingy read up on tom bearden's secret to free energy.

I would think that its the sudden loss/gain of so much electrons that kill. it should be the charge, C, in columbs. I think the difference in charges cause so much electrons to jump to/from the body that leads up to the brain fom nerves that does the real kill.

Ok, its electricity that kills :D

[hard candy]

BABY(1) USER COMMANDS BABY(1)

NAME
BABY - create new process from two parent processes

SYNOPSIS
BABY sex [ name ]

SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS
/usr/5bin/BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]

AVAILABILITY
The System V version of this command is available with the Sys-
tem V software installation option. Refer to Installing
SunOS 4.1 for information on how to install and invoke BABY.

DESCRIPTION
BABY is initiated when one parent process polls another server
process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the
system V implementation. BABY runs at a low priority for approximately
40 weeks then terminates with heavy system load. Most systems require
constant monitering when BABY reaches it's final stages of execution.

Older implentations of BABY required that the initiating
process not be present at the time of completion, In these versions
the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon
completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active
during the final stages of BABY.


example% BABY -sex m -name fred

OPTIONS

-sex
option indicating type of process created.

-name
process identification to be attaced to the new process.

RESULT
Successful execution of the BABY(1) results in new process
being created and named. Parent processes then typically
broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their
new status in the system.


BUGS
The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some
time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts
which must be handled by one or more parent.

BABY processes upon being created may frequently dump
in /tmp requireing /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one
of the parent processes.

The original AT&T version was provided without instuctions
regarding the created process, this remains in current implementations.

SEE ALSO
cigars(6) dump(5) cry(3)

OTHER IMPLEMENTATIONS

gnoops(1)
FSF version of BABY where none of the authors will accept
responsibility for anything.

NOTES

baby -sex f -name Cathryn Leigh Beck

completed sucessfully at the Grey Nuns Hospital on March 30 at
9:59 P.M. after 5 hours of labour. New Mom Chenelle is doing
fine, as is the baby, Dad is tickled pink. Both will probably
come home sometime on Teusday. More information can be gotten
from Dad by e-mail or when he brings his new little girl by to
show her off (should be soon) Celebrations can probably begin
in earnest after Dad catches up on all the work he couldn't do
this weekend.


Sun Release 4.1 Last change: Just before I left the hospital last.

[Satanic Atheist]

Originally posted by bburton
Electricity most commonly kills people by stopping their heart
Not necessarily. The heart is a self-contained system and is generally isolated from the main nervous system.

The most common cause of death is damage to internal systems (particularly the nervous system which is ion-electrically operated) and the brain. The damage to the heart is normally caused by burns and not actually fibrillating it (stopping it). Although the end result is the same (the heart is fibrillating), it is an indirect result of the electricity.

And as far as I'm aware, Volts Jolt, Mil's Kill (Milliamps). I don't think overall power is relevant.

James

[hard candy]

NASCAR Distro Race
The results from last week's race at OS Speedway in Odum, Georgia.

1. Slackware- paint job not as pretty, started off slow but had to make fewer pit stops than the other entries. Experts say the new kernel under the hood added some torque to the older but still powerful transmission. Gear ratio strong enough to overcome the lack of aerodynamic styling.
2. Debian- too many add-ons slowed this entry. Pit crew had a hard time deciding on what version tires to change out. Delivery system on spare parts certainly did not contribute to second place finish.
3. Mandrake- flashy styling, good paint job can't make up for lack of power. Also parts delivery system still needs work. Looks good going around the track in third place.
4. Fedora Core- had the most pit stops of any entry. Pit crew would install a new part and find it was incompatible with the existing drive train. The tires were branded Redhat and other brand tires would not fit.
5. Yellowdog- went around the track the wrong way. Crew stated they were not familiar with the layout and did not realize the architecture of the track would be so different.
6. Gentoo- the race team started building this entry at the end of last season and are still working on putting the transmission and chassis together. We will be interested in how fast this entry will go once it is built, hopefully by the start of the next race season.
7.Suse- did not enter this NASCAR race as the team stated they preferred European style tracks and felt good handling was more important than raw power.
8. WinXP- since Microsoft owns the race track, the race series, and most of the fuel, they did not race but elected to make two first place trophies. They awarded themselves the other first place trophy and ran an ad in the NY Times proclaiming themselves the victor.

Next week- the Windows Manager Shootout Series at the QT/Gtk Raceway.

[AdamZ]

Originally posted by XiaoKJ

I would think that its the sudden loss/gain of so much electrons that kill. it should be the charge, C, in columbs. I think the difference in charges cause so much electrons to jump to/from the body that leads up to the brain fom nerves that does the real kill.

Ok, its electricity that kills :D

But Amps are coulombs per second, right? So lots of electrons jumping to the body in a short time is the same as lots of amps. I think.

[AdamZ]

Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus

1. Viruses are free.

2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.

3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.

4. Viruses don't have major bugs.

5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.

6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.

7. Viruses aren't on every computer.

8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...

9. Viruses install themselves!

[AdamZ]

Quick Guide to Programming Languages
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.


TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.


C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.

Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.

COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.

BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Unix:

% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%

Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.

Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.

Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

[terribleRobbo]

lugoteehalt: I recommend you make yourself a tinfoil hat.
The bread in the supermarket is 'tasteless' because it's the cheapest way to make bread.

[XiaoKJ]

Originally posted by rocketpcguy
oh, you guys are right. it's an education course after all.

however, keep in mind that the initial investment will be very costly. this is the public sector, they won't just burn a knoppix/mandrake CD and start installing.

one thing to see is which distribution they should choose. some distro companies are in a very shaky financial state, like mandrake, and are out of the question. perhaps redhat and suSE would be a better option. make sure they extend support in kentucky.

they'd need a huge budget in buying all the OSs for each related PC in the state, and then there's the training costs, etc. see if it really would be cheaper in the long run. to upgrade XP to the next OS is very cheap, and a new windows OS comes mostly every 2-4 years. examine the distro's bulk pricing scheme. if they require, say $150 subsription a year, you know windows is cheaper. mention the fact that new windows version will require new hardware, and in linux, you don't need to upgrage too often.

do some research, construct a test critical path analysis and gantt charts to see if they can manage to install it on time. initiate a capital expenditure appraisal.
yes, they know linux is nice, but is it financially viable? can they do it without raising the taxes? perhaps it really is cheaper, then they really wouldn't need too much more arguments.

get rid of the useless support that nobody uses. just get competent techs, and reduce the amount of techs you hire.

if the public sector can understand the time wasted with those windows machines going down everyday, then they should be able to understand that installing linux is viable. you can always say that those computers are down again and leave without a word after installing linux.

BTW, techs in the public sector would love linux cos their workload will go down after the first few weeks/months.

hey -- you can download 1 copy of MEPIS and burn many cds with it. 10 cds per tech should be enough -- they can let the live-cds install while they look at another computer, and in no time all those computers will be done with. MEPIS installs in 15 mins and windows installs in 2 days, if you have to install all those apps for windows and tune it with group policies.

linux is definitely viable -- and if something crops up you could switch, like from sendmail to SMTP in no time. try that in windows and you get GPFs in no time.

[lugoteehalt]

Originally posted by terribleRobbo
lugoteehalt: I recommend you make yourself a tinfoil hat.
The bread in the supermarket is 'tasteless' because it's the cheapest way to make bread.
Why is it the cheapest way to make bread? What physical law?

Why is everything else tasteless as well?:D

[hard candy]

USEROLOGY
On Different Kinds of Users and How to Spot Them


The Common Idiot

The basic user. Mostly just sits in front of its monitor and drools over some pornsite.

Typical dialogue:
U: "Machine no work."
S: "What's wrong with it?"
U: "Machine no work."
S: "Ok. Which machine do you use?"
U: "Machine no work."
S: "Right, I heard you. Where is your machine?"
U: "Machine no work!"
S: "*sigh* I'll come with you back to your room."
U: "Machine no work?"
S: "Go back to room."
U: "Go back. Room."

Frequency of appearance:
*Much* too often.

Suggested treatment:
Kill.


The Mumbler on the Treshold

Appears at the sysadmin's doorstep and speaks very, very softly. Sometimes it's possible to get it to speak up a little. Very often, it'll go away at the slightest provocation.

Typical dialogue:
U: "mumblemumblenetscapemumblemumblemumble"
S: "Excuse me?"
U: "mumblemumblemubleservicepackmumble"
S: "Sorry, I can't hear you."
U: "...can't start Netscape..."
S: "Try clicking on the Netscape icon."
U: "mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble"

Frequency of appearance:
Much too often.

Suggested treatment:
Kill.


The Rabid Guesser

Barges into the sysadmin's room and starts spouting nonsense, usually in a quite aggressive fashion. Has picked up a technical term or two somehow, and blames everything on those terms.

Typical dialogue:
U: "You have to do something about the collisions on the SCSI channel!"
S: "What?"
U: "It can't go on like this, you must fix it, now!"
S: "What was the problem again?"
U: "The SCSI doesn't work, that's what. And it's slow."
S: "How can it be slow if it doesn't work?"
U: "I don't know, you're the expert, not I."
S: "What's the problem?"
U: "It's slow. Didn't you listen when I told you?"
S: "*What* is slow?"
...and so on until the sysadmin grows tired, follows the user to its workplace and discovers that it has pulled the network cable out of the workstation. Why it started talking about SCSI is never revealed.

Frequency of appearance:
Much too often.

Suggested treatment:
Kill.


The Economist

This is a *really* nasty one.

Typical dialogue:
U: "So, what are the options for the new server?"
S: "Well, first we have the Dungheap MT. It's larger than our computer room, needs the Niagara Falls to power it, it's ugly, it laughs evilly if you get too close to its console, it reeks of brimstone, Greenpeace and Exxon have made a joint statement cursing the moment it was created, it's illegal to import to most of the civilised world, it has a habit of sending nasty email to CEOs, its mother was a hamster and its father smelled of elderberries. And it doesn't do what we need anyway. Secondly, we have the Frotzpock 3000. It's small, elegant, doubles as a coatrack, draws its power from the Earth's magnetic field, it sings cute little songs, spreads happiness wherever it goes, cleans the floor, washes the dishes, rubs your back, reminds you of your wife's birthday, does everything we need perfectly and without error and it only costs $5 more than the Dungheap."
U: "Ah, the choice is clear, then. We go with the Dungheap MT."
S: "WHAT?!"
U: "Well, you *did* say it is cheaper, didn't you?"

Frequency of appearance:
A handful per company, usually.

Suggested treatment:
Take off and nuke the site from orbit (it's the only way to be sure).


The Firm Believer in Trade Magazines

May be difficult to tell apart from the Common Idiot, but the differences will be apparent if it ever ends up in a discussion about what sort of equipment to purchase.

Typical dialogue:
S: "...so you see that the Frotzpock is the natural choice for us."
U: "I read a very bad review of the Frotzpock in a trade magazine. The reviewers had great problems opening the box it came in."
S: "Well, that won't be a problem for us. I *do* know how to open cardboard boxes."
U: "They much preferred the Dungheap 89. That one didn't need any stupid box, it just oozed in under the door."
S: "Er, the Dungheap doesn't even do what we need the new machine for."
U: "...and DungUser Magazine said that the new version's father only smelled *slightly* of elderberries!"

Frequency of appearance:
Much too often.

Suggested treatment:
Kill.


The Incessant Talker

Appears at the sysadmin's door, starts describing some sort of problem and just never stops.

Typical dialogue:
U: "Hello I hope I'm not interrupting you I have this problem you see I can't print pictures from Netscape anymore even though I could do that yesterday and the day before and even the day before that but not last Wednesday for some reason I think it may have had something to do with the blackout that day don't you printers don't usually work very well without electricity do they neither do computers for that matter I couldn't log in at all until the power came back I must have tried at least a million times I think well maybe not quite that many but ten thousand at least my keyboard was all worn down so I couldn't see what it said on the keys any more so the day after I went down to Office Supplies to get a new one and they said I couldn't just get one I had to fill in a form first have you heard anything that stupid don't they realise that I'm very important to the company and do a lot of valuable work here without me nothing would get done I tell you and of course I told them in no uncertain terms but they just wouldn't listen to me and kept insisting that I needed that stupid form so in the end I went to get a form but discovered that in order to get the form you had to send a mail to someone and I couldn't send mail since my keyboard didn't work can you believe that eventually after two days I managed to type out the mail using only my nose you can't believe how hard that was it took almost a whole day and after I sent the mail I was told that I didn't really have to send it anyway since our departement has a stack of those forms lying in the tray between the printer and the copying machine so I went over to Bob and asked him hey Bob do you know where we keep the printer and the copying machine and he told me that he thought they were being repaired at the moment so I couldn't use them anyway but I told him that I weren't going to use them I just wanted to know where they were so that I could go here and get..."

Frequency of appearance:
Much too common.

Suggested treatment:
Let it be. It's fairly easy to ignore, and as long as it's there no other users can get in.

The Fixer

Suffers from the delusion that it is capable of fixing problems by itself, thus turning mishaps into fullblown disasters. Often masquerades as a sysadmin.

Typical dialogue:
U: "The mailserver was running slowly, so I thought I'd have a look at it. I saw that it was really busy relaying mail, so I thought I'd remove some old processes that nobody used any more. But as soon as I killed this really old process kalled 'init' the machine crashed!"

Frequency of appearance:
Much too common.

Suggested treatment:
Kill.

The Drone With The Write-Once Brain

A fact once got stuck in its brain. Since then it uses said fact for everything.

Typical dialogue:
U: "My machine is slow. There is a large process running on my system. Kill it."
S: "Um, that's your X server. Do you *really* want me to kill that? And it's not really that big, it's just fake memory."
U: "Yes. Kill it."

<Next day>

U: "My machine has crashed. There must be a large process running. Kill it."
S: "How would I do that if the machine has crashed?"
U: "Yes. Kill it."

<The day after that>

U: "My machine is on fire. There must be a large process running. Kill it."
S: "Don't you think it'd be better to call the fire brigade?"
U: "Yes. Kill it."

Frequency of appearance:
Much too common.

Suggested treatment:
Kill.


The User

If you find one of these, consider yourself *very* lucky.

Typical dialogue:
U: "Excuse me?"
S: "Yes?"
U: "I have a slight problem. I hope I'm not interrupting you?"
S: "Not at all. What's the problem?"
U: "It's the BogoGraphics package. I'm trying to use one of the new functions in version three, but I can't get it to work. I've checked that there is enough memory, the permissions on all the files look correct and I installed it exactly according to the instructions in the README file. I do get an error message. It's not very informative, but I wrote it down for you anyway. I tried looking it up in the manual, but it's not there. And the FAQ doesn't say anything about version three yet. Do you think you could have a look at it?"
S: "Marry me!"

Frequency of appearance:
Believed to be mythical.

[terribleRobbo]

Cheaper ingredients, therefore greater profits. Nothing about social control.

And I do believe we have wandered offtopic somewhat.

[JThundley]

For some people, getting their GNU/Linux system set up takes twice the time of fixing one of their Windows problems. Some don't see the long term benefits :(

[hard candy]

Tenne-C programming language
from Good Ol' Boy Systems.

NOTE: The following is rated PG; programmer's guidance should be exercised.

For all those unfamiliar with Tenne-C, the comment delimiter is WHISPER. The computer stores all WHISPERed comments in memory, but the instruction execution unit can never quite decode them, so they are ignored. Some beta site users have reported an occasional problem with IBM clone machines. These machines may get slightly confused or mildly paranoid due to the WHISPERed remarks in the background, but the effects are usually limited to an occasional mutterance printed on the display. Note that the optional extended obscenity instruction set should not be installed in clone machines. Should such a machine crash, you could be arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

General Idiosyncrasies of Tenne-C

Data is referred to as Ciphers; the start of a data section should be so labeled. Data which is external to a given file is denoted by the term YONDER, similar to the EXTERNAL directive.

Single arguments are not passed to functions individually; rather, multiple passes are made simultaneously to all functions. Thus, in Tenne-C, we speak of feuds rather than arguments. This is an extremely powerful, albeit somewhat destructive feature of Tenne-C.

Relational operators work similarly to those in other languages, but in Tenne-C these are called kinfolk operators. It will be noted that some of these interrelate better than others. Kinfolk operators include:

Bettern (mines) bettern (yourn)
Boutlack (mines) boutlack (yourn)
Nearlyboutlack (mines) nearlyboutlack (yourn)
Worsern (yourns) worsern (mine)
Nearlyboutsgoods (yourns) nearlyboutsgoods (mine)
Lack (mines) lack (yourn)
Sortalack (mines) sortalack (yourn)
Differrtn (yourns) differrtn (mine)

The Boolean operators are somewhat different than most. Note the lack of AND and OR operators:

* taint
* istoo
* tis
* aintdunnit
* nary
* nope

Variable assignments must be explicitly declared with the AHDODECLARE directive, although one declaration can serve a block of variables. Variable assignments can be quite interesting and flexible, as can be seen in the following examples:

ahdodeclare: a's nearlybout 3
b's zacktly 4
c's bout 2
d's morerless TWEV
e's 2, an imeanit WHISPER a constant

Certain constants are implicit, such as SCOSHE, LIBBIT, FAV, SEM, NAN, LEM, TWEV, THUTTY, etc. Such obvious values need not be declared, as they reside in the liberry books.

Arrays must be declared with the AHDODECLARE statement, and are referred to as messa, as in:

Ahdodeclare(dinner) messa(fish) TWEV

Note that until you get the hang of array declarations, you may encounter a SYNTEXT ERROR; this is a syntax error which has been taken out of context.

The program section is referred to as CHORES and is labeled as such. Several loop and conditional constructs are available. These include the following:

* Hauloff and do
* Fer, til loop
* Whol, longasyerattit
* Iffen, theyen
* Yehbut, nowait

Code is grouped into hopefully functional units with the standard, [] and () operators, although they are given slightly different names. They are still called braces, but the [] are called kibbuls and the () are called bits. Thus, you can have braces and bits or kibbuls and bits. Braces and kibbuls are, of course, meaningless.

If a KIBBITZ ERROR is encountered at compile time, that is a single kib [ with a pair of bits (). The ommision of a single ] can also result in a NO BULL! error. Very serious compiler errors will be preceeded by the SELF message. That's right, brace yourself. We're talking about such errors as SOURCE FILE TURNED TO TRASH, SOURCE FILE CONVERTED TO RUN FILE, HEX PUT ON SOURCE FILE, that sort of thing. Errors of this type will be followed by the message "START ALL OVER FROM SCRATCH," and the offending source file will, of course, be deleted.

Error messages can be quite strong indeed. We have one of the most arrogant compilers in the business, a source of great pride for us. Typical error messages include:

* WELL, IF THAT AIN'T ABOUT THE DUMBEST DANG THANG I EVER SEEN!
* WHADJA DO THAT FER?
* ERROR TWENNY SEM, DUMB AICE!
* DAMMIT, BOY, HOW MANY TIMES I GOT TO TELL YOU?!

The compiler is referred to as the THRASHER and is invoked with the simple THRASH directive. BE SURE NOT TO OMIT THE "H" FROM THIS COMMAND!!! If you are unsure whether you want to compile the entire program, you may use the more general THRASH AROUND command.

Good Ol' Boy Systems still clings tenaciously to the notion that single-sided diskettes are better than double-sided diskettes. We maintain that a single-sided diskette is in opposition to the laws of physics as we know them today. However, we further maintain that, at some time in the future, Good Ol' Boy Systems will be the first to discover the unlimited storage of the heretofore undiscovered "nether side" of single-sided diskettes. Now THAT, folks, is virtual disk space.

A software linker is not yet available. Until the virtual disk space is truly solved, we strongly recommend double sided disk drives. You can then purchase our hardware linker, which allows you to superglue two single-sided diskettes together.

We're working on other things, too. For instance, there's our new operating system, MS-HOSS, with the 'Mater Vine file structure. And for 'Mater Vine support, there's 'Mater Stakes. And if you thought SideKick was good, wait til you see our new ButtKick utility. Expected to be widely available by the end of next month, regardless of what month this be, it is being developed using our powerful new Four Barrel Tenne-C. While we aren't yet ready to develop a Turbo Tenne-C, we feel that the high data compression ratio of Four Barrel Tenne-C will suffice.

Here is a sample of our work. This is part of our new floating point package, written in LOWLIFE, our low-level programming language.

UNSTACKUMDOTNUMBER WHISPER rip number off the stack
JIP DOTREMOVER WHISPER jump if punctuated
DONTDONOTHING WHISPER no op
JUMPEM2DGITBACK WHISPER return
GUMDROPS4EARPLUGS WHISPER sweet things in my ear

DOTREMOVER:
RDLDOTNUMBER WHISPER Rikki, don't lose that
number
ASRDOTNUMBER WHISPER shift the number right
JISPDOTREMOVER WHISPER jump if still punctuated
ABSOLUTELYNOT WHISPER negate and take ABS
BZZBZZBZZ WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER EM2DGITBACK:
RTS WHISPER return to stack
RETURNS WHISPER return estimated truncated
WHISPER unary radix numerix stuff

[leonpmu]

Originally posted by hard candy

NOTES

baby -sex f -name Cathryn Leigh Beck

completed sucessfully at the Grey Nuns Hospital on March 30 at
9:59 P.M. after 5 hours of labour. New Mom Chenelle is doing
fine, as is the baby, Dad is tickled pink. Both will probably
come home sometime on Teusday. More information can be gotten
from Dad by e-mail or when he brings his new little girl by to
show her off (should be soon) Celebrations can probably begin
in earnest after Dad catches up on all the work he couldn't do
this weekend.


Sun Release 4.1 Last change: Just before I left the hospital last. [/B]

CONGRATS : :D


Question: is initaing parent process prepared to disable kill command after many days sleep command not being invoked correctly?? :D :D

[hard candy]

CONGRATS :

No, I didn;t have a baby nor my wife, it was a joke I found on the Internet, Thanks for the thought though.

[hard candy]

The purpose of this memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).

Next Monday at 0900 there will be a meeting in which I will display MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects yet, so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning, I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed, though, that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS.

Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me, "I'm nervous; I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time, and when we were done she admitted that it was relatively painless and that she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.

I know that there are some concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say that the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated with business, so as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say, "Here, stick this in MIASS."

The program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA, ISO, EPA and FDA audits. After requesting certain historical data, the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated, "Simple -- I just pulled them out of MIASS."

[bradfordgd]

Is that a hard drive in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

[Pafnoutios]

Is that a Memory Stick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

[cybertron]

Hey, stop making fun of my floppy disk!

I can feel my IQ dropping because of this post:D

[hard candy]

Posted to alt.humor.best-of-usenet by Tom Phoenix

Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery,comp.lang.perl.misc
From: an445371@anon.penet.fi
Subject: Re: Sysadmin dreams...

> During my Perl-absorption period, I remember dreaming that I had to
> write a Perl script to run on a bicycle. I wonder who ported Perl to
> that bicycle...

During _my_ Perl-absorption period, I caught myself thinking in Perl when I was being, err, intimate with my girlfriend. I was always thinking about how to codify the process. There were signals, subroutines, variables, device drivers, the whole nine yards (pun intended). It went something like this:

#!/usr/games/perl

$SIG{'SLAP_IN_FACE'}='cold_shower';

@clothes=('shirt', 'bra', 'pants', 'underwear');

foreach $i (@clothes) {
unlink $i; # fsck bedroomfs to recover zombie clothes
} # later

@zones=('lips', 'breasts', 'legs', 'crotch');

$idx = 2; # start with two minutes; each zone increases
# by one minute
$oral = 0; # this should be run-time configurable

foreach $i (@zones) {
$idx++;
unless ($i =~ /lips/) { # lip massage? I don't think so.
&rub(60*$idx, $i); # args are time-in-seconds, spot
}

unless ($i =~ /crotch/ && !$oral) {
&kiss(60*$idx, $i);
}

}

&mount; # expect to catch that SLAP_IN_FACE signal
# here (if not earlier)

&screw; # catches SIGORGASM

# We made it!
&dismount;
&smoke;
return(0);


Come to think of it, this goes a long way to explaining why I don't have a girlfriend anymore. :-) Oh, well, I've got Perl and emacs now, who needs anything else?

[hard candy]

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Origination: HUMOR Mailing List
Originator: "Michael J. Irvin"
Original Subject: Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 1995 08:33:50 -0700
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?

Optimist:
The glass is half full.
Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.
Futurist:
The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.
Pascal programmers:
Well, what type of milk is it?
C Programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.
Assembly programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers:
No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.
MIS:
I'll drink it if you can give me until next year.
Fuzzy logic guys:
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.
Prolog programmers:
I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.
Non-procedural language programmers:
I drank it when nobody was looking.
UI designers:
What's that crap in my glass?
Pentium users:
I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.
Windows users:
Where's my straw?
Mac users:
Where's my pump?
UNIX users:
Nahh . . . too easy.
Multimedia author:
[slurp!]
Shareware game author:
That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Security consultant:
Where'd the rest of the milk go?
CIA:
What makes you think that's milk?
NSA:
We know what it really is.
Copy protection crazies:
Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!
Free Software Foundation:
That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!
Schroedinger:
That damned cat got into the milk again!
Bill Gates:
Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.
Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.
IBM:
Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you.
IRS:
Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year.
National news media:
Hey, we wanted OJ!

[hard candy]

Desert Island

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there?"

[hard candy]

Mailing list(and forum?) users changing light bulbs
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five hundred.

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.

7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

21 to flame the spell checkers.

49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."

6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"

3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

[hard candy]

[Editor's Note: This joke is based on a true incident in early 1998 wherein our favorite geek, Bill Gates, was hit in the face by a cream pie in Brussels.]

Bill Gates in Brussels

"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"

"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."

"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"

"No"

"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"

"Bill Gates"

"Country?"

"The USA"

"Native language?"

"English"

"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"

"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."

"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"

"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."

"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"

"Yes."

"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"

"No..."

"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"

"Yes."

"Any pies then?"

"No."

"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."

"Just a minute..." <several minutes pass> "Okay, I'm back."

"Did you get hit by another pie?"

"Of course not."

"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. <click>"

[hard candy]

Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?"
Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?"
Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?"
Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you just sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?"
Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on."
Tech Support: "And then what happens?"
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part."
Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried."
Tech Support: "And that is what?"
Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?"
Customer: "A bunch of little pictures."
Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'."
Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it."
Tech Support: "You mean an apple?"
Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple."
Then it took me fifteen minutes to convince him that he had a Mac. Even after showing him "About this Macintosh." I spent another fifteen minutes trying to convince him that Windows 98 wouldn't work on his Mac. He said it should work because Windows 98 is for PCs, and he had a PowerPC. I think he's still trying to get it to read that CD, because I never could convince him.

[hard candy]

Billy's Letters

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.

Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spellchecked too.


Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.

Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.

Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.


See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

[hard candy]

DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM?

----------------------------

Do you want the instant respect which comes from being able to use technical terms THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS?

Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts and minds (if available) of DP managers EVERYWHERE?

If this is so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead you into the world of PROFESSIONAL COMPUTER PROGRAMMING!

----------------------------

Q: What do top programmers earn?

A: Despite popular myths, some programmers actually DO earn a living they love. Other, less fortunate programmers work in their spare time at home while watching television. Either way, your potential earnings as a computer programmer could reach into the millions (possibly even into the BILLIONS!) of dollars. Of course, your success depends a lot upon your abilities, luck, shoe size, the phase of the moon, etc.

Q: Is programming for YOU?

A: Programming is NOT for everyone. However, if you have a desire to learn, we can help you get started. ALL you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.

----------------------------

******* Take Our FREE Aptitude Test! *******

To help you determine if YOU are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to try this simple test:

1) Write down the numbers from zero to nine, and the first six letters of the alphabet. (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF)
2) Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
3) What is the state capital of Idaho?

If you read ALL three of the above questions without wondering why we asked them, then you are imminently qualified for a future as a computer programmer.

----------------------------

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They say that a GOOD programmer can write TWENTY LINES of effective program code a day! With our unique training system, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code, and LOTS more! Our course covers EVERY PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE IN EXISTENCE, and even some that aren't! You'll learn why the ON/OFF switch for the computer is so important, what the words 'FATAL ERROR' mean, and even who should be blamed when YOU cause it!

----------------------------

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Many of our students have gone on to achieve great successes in ALL FIELDS of computer programming! One of our former students was the one who developed the concept of the personalized form letter.... Does the phrase, "Dear Mr. [insert name], YOU may already be a winner!" sound familiar? It should! It has already become a standard in the computing industry! Another student writes, "After only FIVE lessons, I sold an article I wrote, titled 'My Most Unforgettable Program' to Corrosive Computing Magazine!"

Another Graduate Student writes, "I recently completed a database-management program for my department manager, who was touched so deeply that he was SPEECHLESS! He told me later that he had never seen such a program in his entire career, and gave me a vacation! Thank you, Famous Programmers' School! Only YOU could've made all this possible!"

----------------------------

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Simply Fill out the form below and mail it to:

FAMOUS PROGRAMMERS' SCHOOL
Dept. APRFOL
P.O. Box 4634
Paulsborough, NH 03458-0463


-----------------------------------------------------------------
| YES, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer! I |
| enclose $1000 in small, unmarked bills to cover the cost of |
| postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) |
| |
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-----------------------------------------------------------------

[hard candy]

MAN CATCHES COMPUTER VIRUS!

Bizarre illness jamming up his brain waves!

Caption: SICK COMPUTER passed on a bizarre virus to programmer John Stevens, above, after it became ill from an infected software program.

By Michael Todd, Special Correspondent, {Weekly World News}, 18 June 1991

John Stevens has a lot in common with his home computer: Both think logically, both like numbers and both are sick with a virus - the same virus! Stevens, a computer programmer who works out of his home in a Philadelphia suburb, is convinced his lingering and debilitating illness is something he got >from his sick computer. And the victim's doctor agrees. "I've run every test I can think of to trace the origin of his illness," said Dr. Mark Fordland. "He has a virus, but it's not like any virus I've ever seen."

Stevens, 32, said his computer began to show signs of a virus - a software program designed to eat up an destroy other software data - about a week before he got sick. "I was careless about borrowing software programs from other people I didn't know well," Stevens admits.

Dr. Fordland, himself a computer expert, agrees. "Borrowing software programs from friends and strangers is like having sex with someone you don't know well. When you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they've ever slept with. When you borrow someone's software program, you're connected to everyone who's ever used that program." Dr. Fordland concludes that Stevens' symptoms are identical to that of a software virus' attack on a computer. "Stevens has become forgetful, like something is eating up his memory, his data. He has less and less energy. He can't hold onto thoughts. Even an EEG (electroencephalogram) of his brain waves keeps changing. It's becoming more and more erratic. "This virus could just eat him up until his mind is a blank and he's like a vegetable," the doctor said.

[hard candy]

"What if Data (from "Star Trek, The Next Generation") were Microsoft Windows(tm) compatible?"


WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.


PICARD: On screen.


The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.


PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?


DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?


PICARD: Make it so.


The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.


PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.


DATA: Aye, sir.


Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.


WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!


PICARD: Shields up!


DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.


PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important! I want those shields up right now.


DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.


LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.


Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.


DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.


LaForge pulls Data's left ear.


PICARD: Shields...


There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.


PICARD: ...Up, Data!


DATA: Aye, sir.


RIKER: All decks, damage report!


WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.


Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.


DATA: Shields are now up, captain.


PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.


WORF: Aye, sir. He punches buttons on the weapons console.


PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.


DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.


PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.


DATA: Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.


PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?


RIKER: I left them with Geordi.


LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!


PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?


DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.


PICARD: Data, I don't have Setup Implant 1.


DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?


PICARD: Abort!


DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?


PICARD: Well, fail, then!


DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.


Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.


LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?


PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?


RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.


Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.


PICARD: What's going on?


LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.


PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.


The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.


FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

[MB[DK]]

Never make fun of Star Trek!

[Dark Ninja]

Originally posted by MB[DK]
Never make fun of Star Trek!

It's not making fun of Star Trek. It's making fun of Windows. :p

[hard candy]

Announcer: Hello and welcome to "Name That Code!", the game show that challenges geeks to identify blocks of well-known source code. But first, here's a word from our sponsor, The SCO Group:

Barl McDride: At SCO, we strive to innovate new paradigms in protecting valuable intellectual property for our shareholders and Micros... er, our valued partners. Every dollar you spend at SCO is a dollar that will protect Capitalism from the onslaght of barbarian pinko-commie European code-fascists. Support SCO... Protecting The American Dream With Appropriate Litigation(tm).

Announcer: And now, let's meet our contestants. Up first is Linus Torvalds, the alleged inventor of the Linux kernel.

Torvalds: Alleged? What does...

Announcer (interrupting): And second is Greg Glepp, a programmer for The SCO Group.

Glepp: It's good to be here.

Announcer: And finally we have Ben Krown, the leading expert in intellectual property forensics, a published author, and the member of a well-known public-policy think tank, the Alexis de Some Guy Institute.

Krown: I'm happy to be here. This show provides the perfect demonstration of the value of free-market Capitalism, something the first contestant doesn't understand.

Torvalds: Hey, wait a minute, this is a set-up...

Announcer (interrupting again): Let's play "Name That Code!"

[A giant screen drops down, revealing the following code:]



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



volatile void panic(const char * s)
{
printk("Kernel panic: %s\n\r",s);
for(;;);
}



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Announcer: For $128, name that code!"

Torvalds (buzzes in): I wrote that... that's from kernel/panic.c in Linux kernel 0.01!

Announcer: Wrong. Anybody else?

Krown: That's from an early version of Minix.

Announcer: Closer, but not quite. Glepp, do you know it?

Glepp: Oh, that's from SCO Unix, and was stolen by both Minix and Linux, those thieving bastards!

Announcer: Correct, for $128!

Torvalds: This is an outr...

Announcer (interrupting): Now, for $256, where does this block of Perl code come from?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



sub patented_sort {
while( !is_sorted( @_ ) ) {
random_shuffle( @_ );
}
return @_;
}



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Torvalds: That looks like something Microsoft would write... maybe from Windows 95.

Announcer: Wrong.

Krown: Oh, that's definitely from an early version of Minix, and I can't believe Torvalds can't recognize the same crappy code he deliberately copied into Linux.

Torvalds (shouting at Krown): Hey!

Announcer: That's not correct either.

Glepp: I've seen that code before... it's from the sort command in recent versions of SCO Unix. Of course, that code is patented, and I wouldn't want Torvalds here to get any ideas about stealing it.

Announcer: Absolutely correct, you now have $384! Now look at this code:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



#define EPERM 1 /* Operation not permitted */
#define ENOENT 2 /* No such file or directory */
#define ESRCH 3 /* No such process */
#define EINTR 4 /* Interrupted system call */
#define EIO 5 /* I/O error */
#define ENXIO 6 /* No such device or address */
#define E2BIG 7 /* Arg list too long */
#define ENOEXEC 8 /* Exec format error */
#define EBADF 9 /* Bad file number */
#define ECHILD 10 /* No child processes */



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Torvalds: That's from the errno.h header file of just about every version of the Linux kernel.

Announcer: Nope. Anyone else?

Glepp: It's from the errno.h file in SCO Unix -- which was then stolen by every other Unix system, including Linux. Those bastards!

Torvalds: You know, my wife is a martial arts master, and if this keeps up...

Announcer (interrupting yet again): Correct again, Glepp. You've got a commanding lead of $896 as we go into the second round! But first, these messages from our sponsors...

Voiceover: At the Alexis de Some Guy Institute, we're working on many compelling projects in the public interest: finding a cure for cancer, developing a permanent Middle Eastern peace plan, and writing a complete history of computer operating systems proving once and for that many so-called programmers are actually bald-faced liars and thieves. With your donations, we can continue our good work. Donate today!

Second voice: When you've got commies breathing down your neck, then you need to write us a big fat check, otherwise our enemies will turn the industry into a wreck, and the American dream will go to heck. Buy stock in The SCO Group today!

Announcer: And we're back. This next question is worth $1,024.

Torvalds: Before that, can I just say one thing? This is the biggest [expletive] load of [expletive] [expletive] in the [expletive] history of [expletive] [expletive]!!! I wrote Linux completely from [expletive] scratch, dammit!

Richard M. Stallman (sitting in audience, yelling): That's GNU/Linux, buddy!

Torvalds: Oh, the humanity! Make it stop! I can't... can't... can't... take...

[Linus Torvalds wakes up in a cold sweat]

Torvalds: Now that was a terrible nightmare.

[His alarm radio turns on]

Radio announcer: ...And in other news, the US Congress today voted to require all software programmers to obtain $100,000,000 worth of liability insurance before releasing any programs whatsoever. The legislation, lobbied heavily by Microsoft as a way to stem the tide of recent software thefts, is seen as a show-stopper for Linux, which according to a recent book is a total rip-off of...

Torvalds: [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!!!

[hard candy]

Is WA for you? (http://home.earthlink.net/~penguinrox/wayou.html)

What is WA? (http://home.earthlink.net/~penguinrox/wawh.html)


12-Steps (http://home.earthlink.net/~penguinrox/wa12.html)



For Teens (http://home.earthlink.net/~penguinrox/wateen.html)

[gehidore]

Originally posted by hard candy
Richard M. Stallman (sitting in audience, yelling): That's GNU/Linux, buddy!


lol

revolution OS flashbacks....

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[MighMos]

Originally posted by hard candy
Richard M. Stallman (sitting in audience, yelling): That's GNU/Linux, buddy!
I don't mean to be anal, but Linux did write Linux, and we use GNU/Linux. I know its a joke, but I just had to say that small part.

[gehidore]

Originally posted by MighMos
I don't mean to be anal, but Linux did write Linux, and we use GNU/Linux. I know its a joke, but I just had to say that small part.

linux wrote linux?

did you mean

linus wrote linux?

[MighMos]

No! Linux is self aware! Its evolving! Ok. It was a type-o. Its too late. I'm going to bed.

[Dark Ninja]

Originally posted by gehidore
linux wrote linux?

did you mean

linus wrote linux?

[prepare for smart *** comment]

No. I'm sure he meant to say Linux wrote Linux because any good Linux user knows that the operating system is so good that it came out of nothingness and recursively created itself until it is what it is today!

[/end smart *** comment]

Man, I'm tired.


DOH! MighMos beat me to it!
:: shakes fist ::
:p

[hard candy]

http://packetstormsecurity.nl/unix-humor/linuxriot.html

[hard candy]

From: robbie @ tomservo.eng.mindspring.net

With rumors about the impending doom^H^H^H^Hrelease of Microsoft Internet Exploder for Linux, I decided to get a jump on things and create a man page for IE.

IE has been such a security problem for Windoze users, that it stands to reason that Microsoft won't deprive the Linux/UNIX community of such quality work.

(I was going to save this and release it as an April Fools joke for 98, but I couldn't wait that long.. :-)

Robbie

IE(1) IE(1)

NAME
ie - Microsoft Internet Explorer

SYNOPSIS
ie [ -acfghkp ] [ -m alternate-passwd-file ] [ -length of time ]

DESCRIPTION
Ie is the web browser. The only web browser. Netscape is
irrelevant. Opera is irrelevant. Ie is your master. Kneel.

There are two ways to use ie: non-executed binary and
insecure mode. The non-executed binary is the mode ie
ships in. There are no flags or directions for use in this
mode.

Options are:

-a

-c Clear filesystem. Ie will delete all files for which
it has write permission on all mounted filesystems.
After the first pass, Ie will begin attempts at obtaining
root access so that the remaining files can be removed.

-f Same as -c, except that ie will immediately begin
attempting root access, and will newfs all mounted
filesystems.

-h Hack. Lets you link to other systems running ie and
obtain their passwd files.

-k Randomly coredump. If you specify a valid mailbox name
in parens, ie will mail the coredump to them.

-p Post /etc/passwd to alt.2600.

-m [alternate] Gives you the opportunity to specify an alternate
passwd file to post.

-length How long should ie run crack on the passwd file before
attempting to post?

AUTHOR
The usual gang of idiots.

BUGS
See printed ie documentation: "Problems with IE", volumes
1-14, availible in hardcover from Microsoft Press.

The -g option is not implemented.

FILES
/etc/passwd System password file.
/usr/local/bin/crack crack binary.
/usr/local/bin/ie IE binary.

DIAGNOSTICS
If ie crashes, simply reboot system to restore stability.

BUG REPORTS TO
/dev/null

COPYRIGHTS
Microsoft Corporation. Don't even THINK about crossing us.
(This disclaimer does not apply to Ms. Janet Reno).

[cybertron]

Originally posted by MighMos
No! Linux is self aware! Its evolving! Ok. It was a type-o. Its too late. I'm going to bed.

See, Ken Brown was right. Linus didn't actually write Linux. It wrote itself:D And probably copied parts of itself from other places too;)

[hard candy]

written by Dave Finton on April 6, 1999
from the what-the-heck-is-dave-talking-about? dept.

[Note: The "James Baughn" referred to in this article is not the same James Baughn that is the editor for Humorix. Dave is referring to somebody else. I hope. -- The Editor]

Everyone has one. Their favorite text editor. Their favorite desktop environment. Their favorite C library. Their favorite endian byte order. Their favorite Linux humor web site. It can be confusing wading through sites like Slashdot and newsgroups like alt.os.linux.advocacy to find out information on their favorites. How can an opinionated geek pick their preferences based on initial experience and half-baked assumptions with all that information out there?

James S. Baughn, author of Humorix, once lamented to me in a personal email, "Dammit Dave! Quit e-mailing me your dumb jokes and not-funny Linux humor articles! Oh, by the way, thanks for the roses." While this statement had absolutely nothing to do with the subject at hand here, I can assure you the real issue that was on his mind while rejecting my hand in marriage was "Is this actually legal anywhere in the U.S. outside of San Fransisco? And should my data be stored first-byte-first or first-byte-last?"

These important questions, and many others, are apparently of life-or-death importance to many geeks and nerds out there. We here at Humorix hope to shed some light on the situation. After you read this article, we hope that you can pick your preferences easily and then defend those preferences with a zeal that would make any Crusades-era Christian turn pale with shock and disgust.

We should describe the various levels of zealotism in greater detail. Novices or "lamers" as they are often called in hackerspeak will often quietly slip into a newsgroup discussion and proclaim that everyone is an idiot. More advanced students will declare their favorite OS/GUI/endian and then declare that everyone else is an idiot. There are rumors of a Ph.D. program available for those who wish to master the fine art of software/hardware bigotry. Once passing these series of courses, many of these people will go on to earn the title "Microsoft Executive".

Of course, even we, just like many other publications, politicians, and corporate takeover planners alike, like to put a scientific facade to cover up the audacity of our claims. So in order to appear scientific, we hired two of the most brilliant minds out there: two contenders for the Guiness Book of World Records for the world's best memorization skills. We then locked them into two seperate rooms, both containing a computer. One computer had vi loaded on it; the other, Emacs. We threw these two people into these rooms and locked the doors (to this days I still fondly recall their screams and cries for help in my dreams).

Two days later we opened the doors and peered inside. In the vi room, the memorization expert simply wept and begged for mercy, exclaiming "I managed to memorize 300,000 digits of pi, but this vi software is too much!" In the other room, we were shocked to discover that a freakish space-time anomaly occured due to the Emacs software loading up off of its 15 terabyte disk storage unit. Apparently the bulk of the text editor was so great that it caused a wormhole to open up when it was loaded. The other memorization expert was then replaced with Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager. When asked what happened, she replied "Cripes, I hate it when this happens." She then set her phaser to stun, shot me, and mumbled "Prime Directive be damned." She was never heard from again until the following season.

To further solidify our findings, we then abducted Richard Stallman and Eric Raymond. We tied Eric to a chair and forced him to listen to Richard Stallman sing the eerily enchanting "free the software" song. Eric at first protested and squirmed fruitlessly to try to get out of his bonds, but then he grew quiet as the life force slowly drained away from his body until there was nothing left of him but a charred broken husk. While this didn't settle the Open Source vs. Free Software debate, it certainly was mildly entertaining to watch.

All in all, it doesn't take much to be a software/hardware bigot. Usually all it takes is the right kind of nerve, a certain pig-headedness about life in general, a bottle of whiskey every night, and the ability to say "But I like to dance naked on your car, officer!" without shame (this last bit is best uttered while actually dancing naked on a police officer's car; I speak from experience here). It worked for me, and it can work for you, too.

And to settle the other important question brought up in this essay: No, it isn't necessarily legal outside of San Fransisco, but to heck with the law! Gimme some sugar baby!

[hard candy]

Reasons Geeks Stay Up Late
11. To watch the 12 disc extended director's ultimate special cut edition of Lord of The Rings on DVD.
10. Online gaming with friends in Singapore.
9. Too much adrenaline from extreme programming methodologies.
8. Desperately trying to remember that backdoor password you put in back in 1997.
7. Trying to knock 20 seconds off of Windows boot time.
6. Feeling guilty about being curt with a dumb customer today on tech support line. (OK, who am I kidding, you slept like a baby on morphine).
5. Searching in crate of floppies for one that still works.
4. Can't wait to see the result of the defrag.
3. It's 11:00pm and you're only on the third reboot while trying to install Win98.
2. Maybe getting that job in Greenland wasn't such a good idea after all.
1. Breeze from twenty cooling fans keeps you awake.

[hard candy]

System Administration Support Fees

Support Fees:

* Calling me with a question - $10
* Calling me with a stupid question - $20
* Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30
* Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $1000 + punitive damages
* Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10.00
* Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00
* Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100
* Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow - $200
* Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step
* Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas
* If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem - $45/hr
* If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr
* If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
* If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on - $70/hr
* If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr
* If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr
* If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr
* If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you - $150/hr
* Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00
* Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - $1700.00
* Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500.00
* Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00
* Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do - $300.00
* Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00
* Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00
* BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00
* Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00
* Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees - $35.00
* Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00
* Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00
* Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00
* Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00
* Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet transciver back in - $375.00
* Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentially yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400
* Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in - $50
* Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there - $10
* Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500
* Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25
* Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50
* Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first - $100 per program
* Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not :))
* Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard
* Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor
* Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
* Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed
* Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy :)
* Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200
* Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25
* Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets - $50
* Spending 30 minutes trying to figureout what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - $40
* Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology)
* Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25
* Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests - $45
* Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55
* Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)
* Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points - $15
* If I wrote the sign - $45
* If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door - $75
* Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00
* Reporting it more than once - $50.00
* Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00

Beeper Prices:

* Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $50
* Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left - $100
* Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200
* Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep
* Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $25
* Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $500

Special Rates:

* Dealing with user body odor - $75.00/hour
* Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site - $50.00/hour
* Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help - $100.00/hour
* Dealing with computer hobbiests - $125.00/hour
* Questioning the other prices .................................$50

[hard candy]

Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit
March 2, 1999

ST. LOUIS, MO -- Has your website been decimated by the
dreaded Slashdot Effect? A small start-up company called
AntiDot Enterprises has the solution: The Slashdot Effect
Prevention Kit. This product, which retails for US$49.95,
includes software and documentation allowing Unix-based
systems to resist the destructive force of the Slashdot
Effect. AntiDot advertises, "If your site crashes as a
result of the Slashdot Effect, we'll give you your money
back, guaranteed!"

AntiDot is founded by a disgruntled webmaster, Eric
Langlitz, who suffered from the Slashdot Effect a few
months ago. Humorix conducted an exclusive interview with
Langlitz earlier today.

HUMORIX: Why did you create the Slashdot Effect Prevention
Kit?

LANGLITZ: I don't want other innocent webmaster to undergo
the same trauma I went through when my site was mentioned
on Slashdot. Even though it was only a brief mention, my
server crashed within minutes of the posting. The Pentium
CPU overheated, and actually caught on fire. The system
was a total loss. In addition, my ISP charged me $50.00
for the additional bandwidth the Slashdot Effect sucked
up.

HUMORIX: Other sites have survived the Slashdot Effect. Why
did your system crash?

LANGLITZ: Well, using Windows NT probably wasn't the best
idea. Still, most sites that survive the Slashdot Effect
are highly advanced systems -- quad Alphas with 1 GB of
RAM, for instance. My system -- before it went up in
flames -- was a P60 with 24MB of RAM. However, why should I
upgrade my system because some nerd with the impossible
name "CmdrTaco" links to it? I don't think that's fair.

HUMORIX: How does your Kit work?

LANGLITZ: The software consists of a modified Apache httpd
daemon that handles three additional tasks.

One, it periodically checks the http referrer logs to see
if any hits are coming from slashdot.org (or a mirror).
Typically, sites about to fall victim to the Slashdot
Effect will have the URL http://slashdot.org/submit.pl in
their logs. If the daemon detects suspicious activity, it
will send an email to the webmaster notifying them of the
potential problem, and it will go into YellowAlert mode.

Two, once in YellowAlert mode, the daemon periodically
queries slashdot.org to see if the Slashdot homepage has
been updated. If so, it downloads the page and checks for
the presence of any links to the site. If it detects an
imminent Slashdot Effect, the daemon enters RedAlert mode.

Also, while in YellowAlert, the daemon monitors the system
load and the bandwidth usage for any suspicious spikes in
activity. If a spike is detected (the Slashdot Effect
typically follows a set pattern of bandwidth usage), the
system is sent into RedAlert.

Three, once in RedAlert, the daemon actively repels the
Slashdot Effect, using methods preconfigured by the
webmaster:

- The daemon can redirect ALL requests back to
slashdot.org, causing a Reverse Slashdot Effect.
Hopefully CmdrTaco will get the hint and remove the link.

- The daemon can send a series of emails to the Slashdot
contributors demanding that the offending link be
removed.

- The daemon can send an email to the site's ISP, notifying
them of the problem before it gets out of control
(However, since the Slashdot Effect can strike within
milliseconds, this may not do much good).

- The daemon can issue an emergency shutdown -h now
command, forcing the system to shut down before the
Slashdot Effect can do any serious harm.

- The daemon can return an Error 666 ("Server Too Busy --
Please DON'T try again later") to all requests.

HUMORIX: Just how effective is your Kit? It seems like it
doesn't prevent a Slashdot Effect, only respond to it.

LANGLITZ: If the daemon is started in ExplodingTaco mode
(with the --taco switch), it actively prevents any of the
Slashdot posters from accessing the site. The daemon
maintains a database of the IP addresses used by the
Slashdot contributors -- if the system detects an access
>from one of these addresses, the system returns an Error
667 ("Access Denied -- Go Away, Taco Boy") and enters into
YellowAlert mode.

HUMORIX: Have you done any field testing with your Kit?

LANGLITZ: Indeed. None of the sites in our beta program
that used the Kit have been mentioned on Slashdot -- or any
other high traffic site (the TechSightings and LinuxToday
Effects can be quite deadly, too).

HUMORIX: How do you feel about the Slashdot Baiting Kit,
which was featured on Humorix a few weeks ago?

LANGLITZ: I can't believe anybody would WANT to be hit with
the Slashdot Effect. It boggles the mind. It also amazes
me that people are making money off selling
Slashdot-related products.

HUMORIX: Does CmdrTaco know about your product?

LANGLITZ: No. And since the AntiDot website is protected
by the Kit (in ExplodingTaco mode), we hope he never does.
This is one nerd news item that will never be featured on
Slashdot.

---

James S. Baughn
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

[StarTiger]

posted by Hard Candy

System Administration Support Fees

Dang, Your cheep.

[StarTiger]

origionally posted by blargety

Quick Guide to Programming Languages
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.


TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.

I work with this language alot, so i had to add one to the list.

Ladder Logic: if estop=false and panic=false and input_gun_loaded=true and input_round_in_chamber and input_gun_drawn=true and input_sight_foot=true and input_foot_position_out=true and (sight_target_locked=true or sight_target_wayoff=false) then servo_trigger_in=true
Result: You miss, but it happens very quickly.

[hard candy]

From StaTiger:
quote:
"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
posted by Hard Candy

System Administration Support Fees
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dang, Your cheep."

Yea, but it is for a home network. :)

[hard candy]

From the Microsoft European roadshow (by way of Slashdot via LUG Radio):

Roadshow report (http://www.hlynes.com/getthefacts.shtml)

[hard candy]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His
broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with
numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.
One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing.
He had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive. He had
missed the 5100 bus that morning, when he noticed an elegant
piece of liveware inspecting the daisy wheels in his garden.
"She looks user-friendly," he thought. "I'll see if she'd
like an update tonight."
Mini was her name and she was delightfully engineered with
eyes like cobol and a prime mainframe architecture that set
Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.
He shifted over to her casually, admiring the power of her
twin 32-bit floating point processors, and inquired, "How
are you, Honeywell?"
"Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optic fibers
engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear
functions.
Micro thought about a recursive approach but settled for a
straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he
said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll
output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then dumped
the results. "I've been put on a queue myself recently and a
rendezvous is just what I need to activate my tasks. I'll
park my machine cycle and meet you inside." She walked off,
leaving Micro admiring the way her dynamic resources were
allocated and thinking, "Wow, what a cache! I wonder if she's
available for prime time maintenance."
They sat down at the process table to a platter of fiche and
chips and a basket of baudot. Mini was in conversational mode
and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave continuous
acknowledgments, although, in background, he was analyzing the
shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally
decided on the old 'Would you like to see some of my benchmark
programs', but Mini anticipated his flow.
Without a prompt, she was up and stripping off her parity bits
to reveal the full functionality of her operating system
software.
"Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she commanded. Micro was executing
firmware by this stage, but his hardware policing module had
an accelerated processor and was in danger of overflowing its
output buffer - a bug that Micro had been consulting his analyst
about. "Core dump!" he complained.
Micro auto-recovered, however, when Mini went down on DEC and
opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He
accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to
enter her kernal when she attempted an escape sequence.
"Abort!" she cried. "You're not shielded."
"Reset, baby," he said. "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop disabled and I can't support
child processes," she protested.
"Don't run away," he begged. "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No, that's too error prone - and I can't abort because of my
design philosophy."
Micro was in phase locked oscillations by this stage and
could not be terminated. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing
by inducing a voltage spike in his main supply, whereupon he
fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they
ever think about is hex!"

[hard candy]

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for
people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy
computers --but imagine if they did...


************************************************** *********

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the
door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the
ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws
current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine?
How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"


************************************************** *********

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and
now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the
front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the
needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the
right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the
first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the
first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L', "E", "T".
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the
front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm
talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy--Is
that the round thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'.
What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a
gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it
yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for
this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I
want a car that comes with everything built in!"


************************************************** *********

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went
wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I
pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while,
and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your
responsibility if you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just
following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put
the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly
what I did --now the damn thing's crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire
operator's manual before operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did!
I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down
so you wouldn't crash?"
CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire
manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit
around and read this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you
expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the
latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"


************************************************** *********

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first
car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car.
How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

[hard candy]

MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

[hard candy]

"The only thing more dangerous than a hardware guy with a code patch is a programmer with a soldering iron."

"All computers wait at the same speed."

"A computer's attention span is only as long as its power cord."

"The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." — Mitch Ratcliffe.

"There is nothing that a kick in the balls or a pressure on reset won't solve." — Me.

"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"

"Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand"

"Anti-glare screens to prevent eye strain ??? In my day, you didn't need an anti-glare screen. With the power they consumed, when you turned your computer on, the whole building darkened !" — Simon Travaglia (the B.O.F.H.).

"Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software." — Arthur C. Clarke.

"The problem with computers is they do what you tell them." — Attribution unknown.

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done." — Andy Rooney.

"Computers do not solve problems, they execute solutions." — Laurent Gasser.

"DOS computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form." — New York Times, November 26, 1991.

"The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2."

"Most of the VAX instructions are in microcode, but HALT and NO-OP are in hardware for efficiency."

"Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women." — Lord Kelvin.

"Did anyone see my lost carrier ?"

"Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

"Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."

"Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost."

"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."

"If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens ?" — Seymore Cray, about clusters.

"Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it." — Seymore Cray, on virtual memory.

"Why would anyone ever turn off their computer ?

* During the winter my computer doubles as an extra radiator.
* Cooling fans generate white noise, which helps me get to sleep.
* Who has time for boot sequences?
* As long as the computer is running, it's not broken.
* Computer doubles as a power failure notification device.
* My penis grows 1mm every 5 days of uptime.
* Can claim CPU cycles donated to SETI@home, folding@home et al, as charitable donations on my income taxes.
* Somebody might say something important on IRC.
* Too difficult to find power switch with eye crust.
* When computer is off, it is no longer protected by the firewall." — _aa_.

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong, it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair." — Douglas Adams.

"3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
• As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files.
• We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
• The new machines are in order."

"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation..."

"If you want to stop a computer from working you should use an OS-independent attack from an F-18. Such an attack can't be fixed by downloading a patch."

"You make my software turn to hardware !" — Geek pick-up line.

"Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everythings going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You'll be forced to patch the code (admit you're wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end." — scott1853.

Programming /n./
1. The art of debugging an empty file.
2. A pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
3. The most fun you can have with your clothes on (although clothes are not mandatory).
— From the Jargon File.

"If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."

"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from."

"Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !"

"A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken."

"Use the source, Luke..."

"The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot."

"All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end goal.
Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, the result is indisputable: 'This time it will surely run' or 'I just found the last bug'." — Fred Brooks.

"The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time...
...The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time." — Tom Cargill.

"Programming is an art form that fights back."

[hard candy]

From: tfarrell@lynx.dac.neu.edu (Thomas Farrell) Newsgroups: comp.unix.admin,alt.sysadmin.recovery Subject: Re: I need a job... References: <3nh9o9$kkm@clark.net> <aecolley.799093508@sadhbh.scrg.cs.tcd.ie> <3nrgde$jqb@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu> <3nrmq2$gnl@grape.epix.net>

[snip]

The life of a sysadmin goes approximately as follows.

8am: Your pager goes off and wakes you up. The message says it's the office, and it's a crisis. You roll out of bed moaning.

8:15am: You are now sufficiently awake to phone the office. Your pager has gone off three times already. You get through to the office and the receptionist is frantic. She says nobody in the entire office can print and they have a major proposal that has to be faxed out before 9am and if it isn't the company could lose a million dollars in new business. You try to get her to explain what's wrong, but she's incoherent.

8:30am: You're dressed in yesterday's dirty clothes (they were all you could find in time) and running out the door, sipping a Jolt cola and hailing a cab to the office.

8:45am: You arrive at the office.

8:46am: You determine that the problem is that the printer is turned off, and you turn it back on. 10,000 pages spew out from the hundreds of multiple failed attempts by all of your coworkers to print.

8:47am: Your boss reams you out for "not having fixed that printer problem last time when you said it was all taken care of. You spend the next hour explaining that there's nothing you can do to stop people from turning off the printer if they *really* want to. You don't bother to mention that you happen to know that the person who did it is your boss's spouse.

9:45ish: You finally convince your boss to release you and make your way to your office, assaulted all along the way by people demanding that you must help them fix things right now that you know are going to take weeks and really aren't priority.

10am: You finally arrive at your office and shut and lock the door to keep out the users. You start to read the 40 or so email messages you find waiting every morning, which include about 5 new requests, 34 or so messages demanding to know why such and such hasn't gotten done yet, and one message from your boss denying your request to have an assistant and demanding that you justify how you spend your time yet again.

10:30am: You realize that you're never going to finish getting through your email if you keep getting interrupted by these damned telephone calls from the same people who sent you the email asking the same questions, so you put your phone on do-not-disturb and go back to your email.

11am: You've just finished responding to all of your email, including the umpteen millionth justification of your existance for your boss. Unfortunately, the secretary has figured out how to order the phone system to override your do-not-disturb on your phone, and is now routing all the angry phone calls from your coworkers to you.

11:30am: You finish talking to everyone on the phone and calming them down.

11:30am-4:30pm: You work your *** off on whatever projects have the most urgency to the company. Usually this involves a lot of work with software, crawling around on the floor several times, tearing a hole in your clothing, and banging your head (hard) on the bottom of a desk.

3pm: You have your lunch delivered to your office.

4:30pm: You finally get to touch your lunch, and realize that Burger King french fries do not taste good cold. You're on about your 15th coke since arriving in the office.

4:35pm: Your lunch is over. You're not finished eating, but your boss has just phoned you (he knows how to override the DND on the phone too) and demanded that you drop everything and go fix some assinine problem which you know is caused by the user and which you fix every week and which you have warned the user about but about which they just don't listen.

6:30pm: You finish the project your boss set you to and decide to try to sneak out of the office and go home. (Not that you have a social life or anything, but you haven't had 8 hours sleep in a month and a half.) In the elevator on the way out of the office you encounter a coworker, who grabs you by the ear and drags you back to the office to fix something that's bugging them.

6:30pm-8pm: Somehow, despite repeated attempts to leave, the moemnt you try to actually do so, someone else appears to force you to work.

8pm: You're about to depart when you're suddenly informed that there's some vitally urgent data processing that has to be done and that only you know how to do and which can't be performed until all of the data entry people have left for the night at 10pm.

8pm-10pm: You try to nap in your office but the phone keeps ringing so you finally give up and put in several more hours of working.

10pm: You try to do your data processing but can't because there are still people logged into the data acquisition system. You spend the next fifteen minutes running around begging them to log out, and they reply that "yeah, I'll be out in a minute..."

10:20pm: You get sick of waiting, walk over to the server console, issue commands to kick off all the users, and disable logins.

10:30pm-2:30am: You perform that data processing which nobody else could do because they won't let you teach them because they know what kind of hours you have to put in doing it.

Midnight: Your blood turns to coca-cola.

2:30am: You realize that the data processing isn't QUITE done but you're about to pass out so you re-enable logins so you won't get paged about THAT in the morning, scrounge a taxi voucher out of your desk (they've given you your own pad because you use them so often), call a taxi, and leave the building.

2:45am-3:15am: You freeze your *** off waiting for a taxi.

3:15am-3:30am: The taxi takes you home. The driver seems to have decided to take the scenic route for the hell of it.

3:31am: You collapse in a heap on your bed and fall asleep face down with your shoes on the pillows and your clothes still on because you're too tired to remove your clothes or even orient yourself properly on the bed.

8:00am: Your pager goes off.

Repeat ad nauseum until your boss doesn't like your response to one of his "justify your existance" demands and fires you or you die of caffine poisioning. Oh, and don't bother factoring in any weekends or holidays: You'll be expected to work those too.

Now do you have some slight understanding of why I don't like being a sysadmin? I *really* lived like this for about a year. I'm amazed I survived it. Tom

[hard candy]

From: kawamura@felix.physics.sunysb.edu (Kawamura)
Subject: Warning label joke
Date: Sat, 8 Jul 95 19:30:02 EDT

I saw the following warning label at MIT's Junior Lab:

"WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye"

[hard candy]

CARELESS CODE RECYCLING CAUSES KILLER KANGAS

Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and -- in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix -- herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively ... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

The lesson?

Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

-- From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture Series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports

[EnigmaOne]

Keeping it short-n-sweet:
http://homepage.mac.com/deadtroll2/.Movies/livehelpdesk.mov

It's a 14.5MB Quicktime file, but generally worth the look.
If you're on dial-up, my apologies: "It's entirely my fault."

[hard candy]

Home > > Redneck > You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If . . .

. . . you use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.

. . . you say "these are not the beers you are looking for."

. . . that "disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans.

. . . the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.

. . . you call your young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)"

. . . you have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up.

. . . the Force isn't the only thing that runs in your family.

. . . you call Hank Williams Jr. "master".

. . . your landspeeder has a gun rack.

. . . you meditate to old CCR records.

. . . you call Yoda your Li'l green buddy.

. . . you have ever said, "Anger...Fear...Aggression...Yankees...the dark side are they."

. . . your X-Wing has a still in it.

. . . your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.

. . . there is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.

. . . your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.

. . . you trim your beard and find a Mylock.

. . . you have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.

. . . you use Jawas for a drink holders.

. . . you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.

. . . you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.

. . . you use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D.

. . . you think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

. . . you ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.

. . . your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.

. . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

. . . you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

. . . you can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

. . . you think Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

. . . you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.

. . . your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

. . . you have ever had your R2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.

. . . you jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.

. . . you beat the Gammorean Guard in an "ugly" contest.

. . . your father's name is Garth Vader.

. . . you got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.

. . . you have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at your sister.

. . . you constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.

. . . you count B.O. as a Jedi power.

. . . you have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.

[hard candy]

Last night I dreamed that the Real World had adopted the "Unix Philosophy."


I went to a fast-food place for lunch. When I arrived, I found that the menu had been taken down, and all the employees were standing in a line behind the counter waiting for my orders. Each of them was smaller than I remembered, there were more of them than I'd ever seen before, and they had very strange names on theuir nametags.


I tried to give my order to the first employee, but he just said something about a "syntax error." I tried another employee with no more luck. He just said "Eh?" no matter what I told him. I had similar experiences with several other employees. (One employee named "ed" didn't even say "Eh?," he just looked at me quizzically.) Disgusted, I sought out the manager (at least it said "man" on his nametag) and asked him for help. He told me that he didn't know anything about "help," and to try somebody else with a strange name for more information.


The fellow with the strange name didn't know anything about "help" either, but when I told him I just wanted to order he directed me to a girl named "oe," who handled order entry. (He also told me about several other employees I couldn't care less about, but at least I got the information I needed.)


I went to "oe" and when I got to the front of the queue she just smiled at me. I smiled back. She just smiled some more. Eventually I realized that I shouldn't expect a prompt. I asked for a hamburger. She didn't respond, but since she didn't say "Eh?" I knew I'd done something right. We smiled at each other a little while longer, then I told her I was finished with my order. She directed me to the cashier, where I paid and received my order.


The hamburger was fine, but it was completely bare... not even a bun. I went back to "oe" to complain, but she just said "Eh?" a lot. I went to the manager and asked him about "oe." The manager explained to me that "oe" had thousands of options, but if I wanted any of them I'd have to know in advance what they were and exactly how to ask for them.


He also told me about "vi," who would write down my order and let me correct it before it was done, and how to hand the written order to "oe." "vi" had a nasty habit of not writing down my corrections unless I told her that I was about to make a correction, but it was still easier than dealing directly with "oe."


By this time I was really hungry, but I didn't have enough money to order again, so I figured out how to redirect somebody eles's order to my plate. Security was pretty lax at that place.


As I was walking out the door, I was snagged by a giant Net. I screamed and woke up.

[hard candy]

A math/computer science convention was being held. On the train to the convention, a bunch of math majors and a bunch of computer science majors were on the train. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of computer science majors had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.
Then, one of the CS majors said "here comes the conductor" and then all of the CS majors went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the math majors. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the CS majors stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the CS majors came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid.

So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the CS majors, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the CS major lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the CS majors went to the bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the CS majors left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."

[hard candy]

My husband, his best friend, and I were out to lunch the other day when his friend pulled out his new Visor (a Palm-based PDA) with the Cingular-based cellphone attachment. We were discussing the limitations of the phone, namely that it can send instant messages to Cingular and Verizon cellphones, but not Internet-based email. He was attempting to demonstrate using my Verizon phone as the recipient.

"Ok, so what's your cell number?" he asked eagerly. After he tapped in the number and started composing a message, I realized something.

"You know, we're sitting less than four feet away from each other. . . ." I remarked.

"Yeah," my husband piped in. "You could just talk to each other."

"No, no, no," I replied, opening my purse and taking out my Palm pilot. "I meant you could just beam it to me!"

[hard candy]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left.
Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."

[Icarus]

How can I tell if I am a nerd?
“Subtract the number of girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands you’ve had from the number of computers you have owned. If the number is positive, you are a nerd.”

[Parcival]

Well, this isn't a joke but bitter reality - see what real "pros" do to their hardware when trying to build a computer:

http://www.dau-alarm.de/gallery.html

[hard candy]

Things to do when your ISP goes down:

1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
8. Sleep (and dream about surfing the Internet)!

[hard candy]

WARNING

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper- document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Submitted by: LizS237058@aol.com

[EnigmaOne]

These are, as my wife would put it, "cute" and on the funny side.

http://www.linspire.com/RunLinspireFlash.php
http://info.linspire.com/LindowsRock/LindowsRock.html

[hard candy]

PC Dealer buys the farm
ARF@praxa.com.au (Andrew Fry)
(computer, chuckle)

This big-city PC dealer bought a farm. He didn't have the faintest idea what to do first, so he went for a walk to look around. As he walked through a gate, he felt something soft under his feet, and a none-too-pleasant smell hit his nostrils. Looking down, he found he was standing right in the centre of a warm squishy, just-laid prairie-cake. A look of terror came into his eyes. "Help!" he shouted, "I'm melting!"

Paul Zucker, Computing Australia, April 9, 1990

[hard candy]

What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.

[hard candy]

Computer Puns/Phrases!
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

< - The information went data way - >

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

E Pluribus Modem

... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

All computers wait at the same speed.

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Press (CTRL)-(ALT)-(DEL) to continue ...

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Read my chips: No new upgrades!

Hit any user to continue.

2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!

[hard candy]

The Lesser-Known Programming Languages
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #19 -- FIFTH
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[hard candy]

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

[hard candy]

jem@latcs1.oz.au (Joan McGalliard)
Comp Sci, La Trobe Uni, Australia
(computer, funny)

Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?

A: The car salesman can probably drive!

[hard candy]

(true, funny, computer)

(Taken from an actual Compaq ad in a British magazine.)

Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.

In particular, we wish to apologize for the headline. We suggest you skip it and go straight to the rest of the ad, after which you should simply FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. If you haven't got time to read the ad, SIMPLY FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. On your way to POST THE COUPON you may pass a COMPAQ dealer in which case simply GO IN AND BUY A COMPAQ. This will save you the price of a stamp.

HOW TO PROVE THAT COMPAQ RUNS 30% FASTER THAN IBM. Buy two greyhounds, name one COMPAQ and the other IBM. Feed COMPAQ on lean steak and IBM on old socks stuffed with rabbit droppings. After a month, enter both in the 3:30 at Hackney and you will notice that Compaq runs at least 30% faster than IBM. Of course, this test is totally unfair and one-sided, but gives the same result as racing the computers in your office.

PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST NASTY ACCIDENTS. (Picture of statue w/o arms or legs is shown at left.) This is what happens to computer operators who lose all the data on an important disk. Protect yourself with a built-in tape back-up safety system. Too bad if you own an IBM or some other make, only COMPAQ computers have them.

SIN IN STYLE--SOFTWEAR WORLD. Sorry. Wrong. Terribly sorry. Sorry to disappoint those of you who were hoping for something titillating, but this whole section is in fact the result of a silly spelling mistake. Instead of softwear, please read software. Then reach for any IBM catalogue, in which you will find listed thousands of programs you can run on COMPAQ computers. So sorry.

WHAT PERCENTAGE OF IBM SOFTWARE WILL RUN ON A COMPAQ? By sheer coincidence, this is the same percentage of waiters in Indian restaurants who hail from the small Bangladeshi town of Sylhet. Nearly 100%. For further details and first-class lamb dhansak, ring 01-836 9787.

BYTES OF RAM. The Compaq Deskpro 286 offers 8.2 megabytes of RAM. IBM's PC AT can only manage a 3 megabyte nibble. Cheez, even our carry-away Portable does 2.6 megabytes.

THE COMPAQ DUAL-MODE MONITOR. At last, a monitor lizard that can display both high resolution text and high resolution graphics on one screen. IBM's (and all their spawn) need separate iguanas for text and graphics. More details from our sales reptiles. Contact them on 01-940 8860.

SIMPLE ANT MATHS: LESSON 1. Let one ant equal one byte of information. COMPAQ's built-in mass storage can hold 70,000,000 of the little blighters (30,000,000 more than IBM can). Now calculate how many ants are needed to fill the great pyramid of Giza.

FILL IN THIS COUPON NOW.

TO: COMPAQ Computer Ltd., Freepost, Richmond, Surrey, TW91BR. I understand that COMPAQ computers run IBM software 30% faster, are more powerful with more storage, a unique tape backup system and dual mode monitor, but frankly I can't believe COMPAQ's are this good, otherwise why isn't everyone using them except come to think of it COMPAQ is already No. 2 in the States but then the Yanks are a funny bunch I mean they eat raw steak for breakfast and they've all got absurd names like Chuck and Waldo of course everyone's always knocking America but where would we be without the Harvey Wallbanger so rush me more details of your marvelous computers.

Name
Company
Inside Leg _________________ Favourite Singer
Address

AMAZING FREE OFFER. We'll give you a COMPAQ DESKPRO 286 ABSOLUTELY FREE when you give us 3,694.99 pounds.

[] tick here for FREE death watch beetle.

[hard candy]

Monkey C Monkey Do
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please". The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000".

The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey--most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shopkeeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object - oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a Consultant."

[hard candy]

I Love You
The "I Love You" virus that infects users of Microsoft's outlook has morphed. Watch for these variations:

- The "I love you, too" virus: Responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.

- The "I'm looking for more of a commitment" virus - Receives the "I love you" virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called "hold for my sweetie" for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called "Golf with the guys" or "Night out with the Girls." It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your 'ex', and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.

- The "Let's just be friends" virus - Immediately deletes the "I love you" virus, sends a "Let's Just be friends" response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.

- The "Unsafe Sex" virus - Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.

- The "Safe Sex" virus - Wraps the "I Love You letter" in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.

- The "Sexual Harassment Lawsuit" virus - Forwards a copy of the "I Love You" virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer emails over $100k.

More variations are being discovered every day, so make sure you update your virus protection.

[hard candy]

IT Project Managers Quotes
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business.

Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

[hard candy]

New words - English language
Dilberted
---------
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Link Rot
--------
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.

Object Value
------------
In industrial design, a measure of consumers' immediate desire for an object, even before they know or understand what it does. "Gassee may be nuts, but at least the BeBox has great object value."

Chip Jewelry
------------
A euphamism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

Crapplet
--------
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Plug-and-Play
-------------
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."

World Wide Wait
---------------
The real meaning of WWW.

CGI Joe
-------
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Dorito Syndrome
---------------
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Under Mouse Arrest
------------------
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Glazing
-------
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

404
---
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found" meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

Dead Tree Edition
-----------------
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."

Egosurfing
----------
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.

Graybar Land
------------
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

Juice A Brick
-------------
To recharge the big, heavy NiCad batteries used in portable video cameras. "You better start juicing those bricks, we've got a long shoot tomorrow."

Open-Collar Workers
-------------------
People who work at home or telecommute.

Shopper-Lifting
---------------
When a store's electronic scanner (usually inadvertantly) prices an item higher than the price on the store's shelf or in an advertisement.

Squirt The Bird
---------------
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready... what time do we squirt the bird?"

Brain Fart
----------
A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

Cobweb Site
-----------
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

It's a Feature
--------------
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque
---------------
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Batmobiling
-----------
Putting up an emotional shield just as a relationship enters that intimate, vulnerable stage. Refers to the retractable armor covering the Batmobile.

Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
--------------------------
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Elvis Year
----------
The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

Midair Passenger Exchange
-------------------------
Grim air-traffic-controller speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are immediately followed by "aluminum rain."

Alpha Geek
----------
The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Vomit Comet
-----------
A plane used to simulate zero-G for astronaut flight training. Trainees often get motion sickness inside.

Adminisphere
------------
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Tourists
--------
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Blowing Your Buffer
-------------------
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"

Begathon
--------
A TV or radio fund-raiser for a charity, religious organization, or PBS station that employs every known form of guilt, sweet talking, and outright begging to get people to fork over the dough.

Gray Matter
-----------
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrpreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

Bookmark
--------
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

Nyetscape
---------
Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

Beepilepsy
----------
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Client-Server Action
--------------------
Geek euphamism for having sex. "I went to the Oracle party the other night hoping for some client-server action."

Salmon Day
----------
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.

[hard candy]

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you knowI was at Wal-Mart

[hard candy]

Dead Drive Fix
It's really not too difficult fixing your own hard drive, if the problem is a head crash, or the infamous Seagate "stiction" problem, if you know what to do. You will require #4/0 steel wool, paint thinners, WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45 minutes.
First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed before you begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench. Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with paint thinners. Bend the read/write heads out of the way, and then disassemble the platter stack.

VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #4/0 steel wool. This will remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help to redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those pesky "bad sectors" that most drives have.

Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the read/write heads back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge to set the gap. This is slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it reduces the chance of head collisions with any flotsam you neglected to remove.

Give the heads and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit. If your drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.

All that's left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you're back in business. I haven't tried this myself, but my friend's wife's sister-in-law's husband knows a technician that does it all the time....

[hard candy]

How the Internet Began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with they goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "ebay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young *****ious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.

[hard candy]

Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see.... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Customer Service Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE” others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

[hard candy]

One of Microsoft's finest techs was sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was completely blown off: The Microsoft tech yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

[hard candy]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in business as a manager." "I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met but now it's my fault."

[StarTiger]

Not about computers, But it expains something.

Why are the managers who make demented snails look smart the ones who always get paid more?

The answer is actually mathmatical. Here's the proof.

Given:
Work = power * time (w=t*p) -- physics law.
time = money (t=$)
knowledge = power (k=p)

Make the substitutions, you get:
w=$*k

Now, we want to know how much you make. So solve for $.

w
-- = $
k

So, assuming that two people do the same amount of work, the person with the lower inteligence will devide the work by a smaller number making the product greater. Therefore, the dumber a person, the more they get paid.

[Dark Ninja]

Haha...methinks hard candy just wanted to increase his post count. ;) But, they are pretty funny. Haha.

[cybertron]

Originally posted by Dark Ninja
Haha...methinks hard candy just wanted to increase his post count. ;) But, they are pretty funny. Haha.

Yeah, he's going to catch up to mdwatts with nothing but his humor posts:)

[hard candy]

MDWatts- 39387
HC- 3535
____________________
= 35852

So, if I post 100 times a day, in roughly 359 days I'll be caught up. I guess I could set up a cron job to start a new thread approx 4 times per hour and stay logged on for the next year.
:)

[MighMos]

Originally posted by StarTiger
Not about computers, But it expains something.

Why are the managers who make demented snails look smart the ones who always get paid more?

The answer is actually mathmatical. Here's the proof.

Given:
Work = power * time (w=t*p) -- physics law.
time = money (t=$)
knowledge = power (k=p)

Make the substitutions, you get:
w=$*k

Now, we want to know how much you make. So solve for $.

w
-- = $
k

So, assuming that two people do the same amount of work, the person with the lower inteligence will devide the work by a smaller number making the product greater. Therefore, the dumber a person, the more they get paid.

Am I the only one that finds it slightly ammusing that he misspelled "intelligence"?

[hard candy]

A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys
By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat
So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

Why Geek Dudes Rule
They are generally available.
Other women will tend not to steal them.
They can fix things.
Your parents will love them.
They're smart.
Where The Geek Dude Lurks
While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation. Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.
Imprinting
You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic...
The Trek factor
If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek relationship.
Once You've Nabbed Him
Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man: Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.
Geek Cuisine
Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.
Geek Lifestyle
The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize. To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.
Geek Buddies
Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are.
Post-It Note
I thank Victoria for the above advice. I must say that when she read my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her husband which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly. Howard, the devil, immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority problem who is always had trouble (this is fairly apt). This exchange is interesting for several reasons:
Howard had already thought about who she was most like.
He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.
Victoria actually knew who he meant.
Folks, I think this marriage will last.
One Last Thing
Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so.

[hard candy]

4/30/2002
MY PC SPEAKER BEGAN EMITTING NOISES ALMOST WHOLLY UNLIKE "MUSIC."



My girlfriend had a fond childhood memory of solving the old Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade PC adventure game together with her parents. I thought, what better way to surprise her -- and get her back into gaming -- than to dig up that ol' game and get it running on our home computer? Of course, PC games that old are hard to buy and even harder to get running. So it was going to take a little research.

Naturally I started poking around at work. Now, this was dangerous, because I'd already been busted twice last week for playing Civ III and was already written up. But what could go wrong? I was just surfing a few abandonware sites and trying to find a place to get old DOS games.

At last I had a file on my hard drive and a DOS window ready to go. This is a delicate art. I hadn't tried these old games in years but I remembered that sometimes there was a speed problem if you tried to run an old game on a new computer. But caution was the word of the day! I couldn't afford to get caught. I peeked over the cubicle walls to make sure nobody was coming, then slouched down in my seat, turned my speakers off, and run the program.

The installer was done all in text. Quaint. Finally ... the intro screen appeared! It was working! And then it happened. Somewhere in my cubicle I heard a short mechanical beep, followed in succession by more beeps of varying pitches, then a loooong drawn out screech. These weren't tiny little watch beeps, neither. These were LOUD, loud enough to rattle the pencils on my desk. People started coming over. A crowd formed at my cubicle entrance while I futilely pounded the escape key. I yanked the cord from my speakers but the beeping didn't stop ... I realized, with both horror and fascination, that my CPU tower itself was the source of the noise. My PC speaker, heretofore heard only once as that little beep on boot-up, was now screaming a cacophony that would make John Williams weep. The crowd surged around:

"What is that?"
"That's his computer."
"His computer is beeping."
"Wait ... it's playing ... it's making music!"
"It's playing Indiana Jones ... from the PC Speaker!"
"I didn't know those things could make noise."
"You mean games used to use THAT for music?"

The crowd of us ogled the beeping box in morbid fascination. Then I got fired.

[hard candy]

Two atoms are walking down the street.

The first atom slips on a puddle and falls.

The second atoms helps the first stand up and asks" Are you ok?"

The first atom replies, "I think I lost an electron."

"You sure?" asks the second atom.

"Yeah, I'm postive."

[Dark Ninja]

Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles.
:: sigh ::

If only more females realized this: You're new. My computer has been faithful since day one.

Don't make me choose. :mad:

[StarTiger]

Originally posted by MighMos
Am I the only one that finds it slightly ammusing that he misspelled "intelligence"?

Hummmm, should I laugh or be offended? Not sure. What can I say, there's a reason why I'm an Engineering Major, not an English Major.

But just for you, I won't go back in and fix it.

[hard candy]

But just for you, i won't go back in and fix it.

Did it smart? :)

[hard candy]

(From Paul Zucker, Newsbytes News Service:)

SYDNEY, Australia (NB)--A friend of Newsbytes swears that the following is a true story:

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival.

Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?"

"Of course."

DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?"

"Of course."

DED: Then why are you calling me?"

"Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser.

"Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover."

Like we said, he swears it's a true story.

[hard candy]

Lawsuit standard forms

In a rash of lawsuits inspired by suits by Xerox against Apple and Apple against Microsoft/HP, the whole computer industry was thrown into a tizzy when Digital Equipment, IBM, Unisys, and AT&T agreed to form the Open Lawsuit Foundation (OLF). "We are totally against proprietary lawsuits," said a DEC spokesman. "We want standards in lawsuits."

An IBM spokesman concurred. "We have sued everyone from little companies like Big Blue Inc. to Hitachi but we have always had proprietary suits. Now to show our leadership in the standards industry, we intend to standardize on our suits." When asked to comment, a Sun Microsystems representative stated, "We don't wear suits at Sun."

[hard candy]

denelsbe@cs.unc.edu (Kevin Denelsbeck)
(computer, funny)

I recently finished up teaching Comp 4, the computer literacy course here at UNC, during a compressed summer session. Comp 4 is an introductory class that assumes NO knowledge of computers among its students, and believe me when I say that this was often the case. The class was great fun to teach, and one of the facets that made it interesting (day-in and day-out) was the wealth of new knowledge that the students imparted to me on tests and examinations. I thought that I'd share some of these nuggets with you. My comments are in the standard C delimiters (/* and */). Your comments are encouraged. Here goes:

Bacchus invented FORTRAN. /* I knew FORTRAN was old, and that it may have been designed under the influence of alcohol, but... */

There are three kinds of program statements: sequence, repetition, and seduction.

There are two types of graphics: vector and rascal. /* Otay... */

Programming languages have specifictions. /* Obviously this student has dealt with a few standards. */

Macs are compatible with each other. /* Imagine the alternative: "What's your Mac's serial number? We'll go back to the warehouse and get your software." */

Doctors use computers to create a three demential picture of a person's brain. /* Is this classic, or what? */

One kind of a hostile computer program is a Trojan.

C is a logical programming language. /* <rim shot> */

Heuristics (from the French heure, "hour") limit the amount of time spent executing something. [When using heuristics] it shouldn't take longer than an hour to do something. /* An absolutely terrific "false cognate." */

Having the computer automatically fill in images for animation is called "spleening." /* Derivation: most likely "splines" + "tweening." */

One method of computer security is a phone line. /* She qualified it later by adding, "You have to know the number." */

Video games are examples of fault-tolerant systems.

On one test, I gave the students some abbreviations and asked them to tell me what they stood for. You won't believe the creativity of a student in a test situation. For example, one of the abbreviations was "fax," which *really* stands for "facsimile." However, various Comp 4'ers said it stood for:

Fiber-optic Aided Xeroxing
Frequency Automatic X-rays

/* and my favorite... */

Fast A** Xeroxing

The students also had to hand in term papers, and these were rife with interesting tidbits. I've clipped a few, quoted verbatim:

"The worst thing the Mac has to offer, is that cooperative multitasking is not available to be used."

"... footnotes present an interesting problem, which may be solvable by Hypercad." /* I assume the last term is the newest rage--a free-form database for designers. */

"...Linda, a blind girl, was able to attend public school due to the aid of a speaking computer that taught her the basic fundmamentals [sic] of grammar and spelling." /* Linda may want to lend her computer out... */

"The program is manufactured by Quantel, a Silicon Valley company located in Clearwater, Florida." /* A long valley, as my roommate put it. */

"At the beginning of each season [Edwin] Moses teats himself on computerized weight machines..." /* Ouch! */

[hard candy]

kovar@eclectic.com
(computer, chuckle)

[Passed from friend to friend to friend ...]

"My brother-in-law Jim is in computer maintenance at the Associated Grocers warehouse in Tukwila. Last week he got a call from one of the ladies in the office regarding problems with her computer and the mouse.

When he got there the lady kept insisting the mouse problem was inside the computer. Finally, to humor her he opened it up.

And out jumped the mouse.

AG no longer permits open slots in back of computers....

[hard candy]

tact04.enet!sid@decwrl.UUCP (Sid Gordon, Digital Israel, EIS)
(computer, true, chuckle)

My brother claims that this morning he heard his 5-year-old and his 3-year-old in the bathroom together and eavesdropped on their conversation:


Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit "ENTER."
Little brother: "ENTER"?
Big brother: I mean "flush."

[hard candy]

Elephant Hunting

In order to hunt elephants:

A PROGRAMMER
1. Begins at the tip of South Africa;
2. Performs alternating west to east and east to west searches;
3. Decrements the latitude argument in a non integer sequence between each search;
4. Finds an animal;
5. Compares found animal to a known elephant;
6. If found animal matches known elephant terminates search else resumes at 3;
7. end;

AN ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMER
Will perform the same search on hands and knees.

AN EXPERIENCED PROGRAMMER
Places an elephant in Cairo, Egypt to ensure that the search will terminate properly before initiating the above.

AN REALLY EXPERIENCED PROGRAMMER
Either :
1. Places the elephant JUST OFF-SHORE from Cairo, Egypt; or
2. Ensures that the elephant placed in Cairo is sky-blue and scarlet with purple spots, green stripes and yellow polka-dots, in order to distinguish it from any elephant which may have been hiding there already.

AN ENGINEER
After determining that an elephant is mammal, gray and weighs 3.628739*(10^3) Kg, will begin the search collecting all gray mammals. When the sum of the weight of all the collected gray mammals equals the specified weight of an elephant, +/- 10% , the search will be terminated.

CONSULTANTS
Don't actually hunt elephants and indeed may never have hunted elephants, but they can be hired at great expense by the hour, plus expenses, of course, to advise those who do. This will include the time it takes to find out what an elephant is.

AN ACOUNTANT
1. Formulate a monthly budget, design a Elephant Journal Entry format, a Batch Logging book, add appropriate accounts (both P&L and B/S), and a list of approved authorisors for Journals.
2. Enter accruals for the estimated numbers to be caught per month.
3. As elephants are caught, Journal them into the appropriate period and reverse out the accruals.
4. Keep the droppings in a filing cabinet for audit purposes.

A MATHEMATICIAN
Will first develop a hypothesis supporting the existence of a unique elephant before proceeding with the search as a subordinate operation, collecting all animals found, testing them against the hypothesis and discarding all that don't fit.

A PROFESSOR OF MATHEMATICS
Will first develop a hypothesis supporting the existence of a unique elephant before sending his/her students on the search, requiring that they collect all animals found, test them against the hypothesis, and bring all matching animals to him for publication.

STATISTICIANS
Hunt the first animal they encounter `n' times and call it an elephant.

TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMISTS
Don't hunt elephants. They believe that if you give the elephants a small tax incentive, they will hunt themselves.

POLITICIANS
Don't hunt elephants but will share any elephants YOU catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS
Don't hunt elephants, but they do follow herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS
Will claim that they know who owns the entire herd based on the look and feel of one pile of droppings.

MBAs
Only hunt elephants they can see from where they're standing.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT
Sets broad elephant hunting policies based on the assumption that elephants are just like big field mice, but with deeper voices.

CEO's
May try to hunt elephants but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the CEO does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the CEO sees them. If the CEO does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, the staff will:
1) Compliment the CEO's keen eyesight, and
2) Enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

QUALITY ASSURANCE STAFF
Ignore the elephants and spend their time looking for mistakes the hunters made while packing the jeep.

SALES STAFF
Don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants the hunters haven't caught yet, and promising delivery two days before the opening of elephant hunting season.

SOFTWARE SALES STAFF
Ship the first thing they catch, write up an invoice for an elephant, modify the documentation to match and promise a real elephant at the next update.

HARDWARE SALES STAFF
Catch rabbits, paint them grey and sell them as lap top elephants.

[hard candy]

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a Micrsoft SQL Server database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're an IT consultant," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business."

"Now give me back my dog."

[hard candy]

From CNN:

Headline News
'Game Over': What video game characters do when they go off-duty

By Sid Lipsey
CNN Headline News
Wednesday, March 17, 2004 Posted: 10:06 AM EST (1506 GMT)

The Smashenburns from UPN's new animated comedy series, "Game Over."

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(CNN) -- It's a cold, hard fact: You can't play video games forever. Eventually your wrists will start to hurt.

Or you will run out of quarters.

Or you will have to put your game on "pause" to go to your job at "The Most Trusted Name in News."

Regrettably, we gamers sometimes have to put down our joysticks and rejoin the real world.

But do you ever wonder what video game characters do after we turn off our PlayStations? Do they have homes to go to? Spouses to snuggle with? Kids to stress over?

They sure do -- on TV at least.

"Game Over," UPN's new animated comedy series, chronicles the lives of Rip and Raquel Smashenburn -- a couple of video game heroes who really are just average working stiffs. Rip is a racecar driver and frequent crash victim (hence the last name). Raquel is a gun-toting government archaeologist (any resemblance to Lara Croft is purely intentional). With their two teenagers, the Smashenburns live in a virtual suburbia populated by ninja warriors and "first person shooters."

But don't let the unique concept fool you; at its heart, "Game Over" is a traditional family sitcom like "The Brady Bunch" -- except here, Mom cooks with a ray gun, the family car is armed with missiles and the family pet is not an absent dog named Tiger but a bitter ex-video game star named Turbo.

Turbo is the most biologically ambiguous TV character since Gonzo from "The Muppet Show," so he's a little hard to describe. Imagine Pac-Man after too many years of gorging on dots and dropping power pellets. Turbo drinks Jack Daniels, leers at women and isn't above committing the occasional felony. "As you see in 'E! True Hollywood Story' there's a dark side to fame," jokes "Game Over" executive producer David Goetsch. "That's true in video games as well."

Although "Game Over" features original characters, some well-known stars from the gaming world also drop by. Abe from "Abe's Odyssey" and Crash Bandicoot have made cameos. And a certain "tomb raiding" superstar will appear in a future episode.

Gamers will have fun speculating on other possible cameos. Maybe the Smashenburns could travel to Vice City during May sweeps. Or Duke Nukem could guest star as Billy's sadistic gym teacher. Or, in a topical "Very Special Episode," Raquel could testify before a congressional subcommittee on video game violence. For his part, Goetsch says he isn't seeking any particular star for a future "Game Over" walk-on. "But," he admits, "Mario would be pretty cool."

Mario would be the first to warn that video game characters don't always make a successful leap to other forms of entertainment (the "Super Mario Brothers" movie is a particularly gruesome example). But if all goes well, the spiffy "Game Over" may buck that trend -- and give gamers something else to do after they put down their joysticks.

[hard candy]

From http://www.gadgetopia.com:

Linux kernel swear counts: Someone grepped out all the bad words in the Linux kernel source. If I'm reading the graph right, "crap" appears to be the clear winner, appearing about once every 130 lines of code in the 2.6 kernel. (Warning: 4 letter words displayed)

http://www.vidarholen.net/contents/wordcount/

Sadly, this method lacks the eloquence of the commenting in the stolen Windows code. Via Dave Zeigler.
It turns out Microsoft's Windows programmers have to deal with the same crap as the rest of the world's programmers.
Kuro5hin.org has put up a overview of the comments in the recently leaked Microsoft source code. (Some of the comments are not rated G. If you use a text-to-speech reader, cover your kids' ears. )

http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2004/2/15/71552/7795

[hard candy]

I just noticed one thing. In the linux kernel word count graph, as the version numbers increase, so do the word counts, especially the most popular one.
So, is this a function of more programmers? more complexity? lower class of programmers? changing values of society? better "grep" function? :)

[bwkaz]

I'd guess it's not a better grep. The regular expression is pretty simple. :)

I would guess that it's a combination of increased complexity and more contributors (which take their cues from the comments already there).

But that's just a guess. ;)

[hard candy]

From: tandmb@sierra.net (Tony Baldacci)
Subject: Read the Manual!!!
Date: 23 Nov 1995
Posted to: rec.humor

I once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana, and it arrived with this article in the packaging. No kidding!

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.

OK? Now let's talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a fifth of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."

WARNING: This assumes your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other.

Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.

Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY

Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

[hard candy]

--------------------------------------------------------------------
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free

Costello faints

[hard candy]

Windows XP New Jersey Edition
(This note is for those outside the Garden State)

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS XP NEW JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.

Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads; "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE:

Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"
My computer is called "My Computa"
The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"
Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out"
Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"
Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business"
and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore"
Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JOISEY EDITION:

OK...........Sure ting
Cancel......Fugetaboutit
Reset........Start ova
Yes............Yeah
No..............Nah
Find............Put a contract out on
Browse........Get a looksee
Back...........U-Toin
Help...........Get your own ansa
Stop............Knock it off
Start............Move it
Settings.......Here's da rules
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY EDITION.

You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?

(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all da bugs)

Submitted by Dianne, Emmitsburg, MD.

[hard candy]

From london_masti (not really computer oriented but does mention "remote")-

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to
all of these questions. However, women will also benefit by
reviewing them, so that they get to understand men and thereby
enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
violence all over the entire earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
you miss the most?

A. Innocence
B. Idealism
C. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)!
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.


4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.


5 You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's
attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.
One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy.
You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when
she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she
thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She
says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a
lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out
false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on
third and seventeen.


6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys
and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?


A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing
through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?


7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks
you to get your three children ready for school. Your first
question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "We have three of them?"


8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not
naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to
discard his underwear.


9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.


10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

[hard candy]

The Evolution of a Programmer
*****************************

===================
High School/Jr.High
===================

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

=====================
First year in College
=====================

program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World');
end.

======================
Senior year in College
======================

(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

================
New professional
================

#include <stdio.h>
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;

for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}

====================
Seasoned professional
=====================

#include <iostream.h>
#include <string.h>

class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;

public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}

~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}

friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}

string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}

int main()
{
string str;

str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;

return(0);
}

=================
Master Programmer
=================

[
uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
library LHello
{
// bring in the master library
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");

// bring in my interfaces
#include "pshlo.idl"

[
uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
cotype THello
{
interface IHello;
interface IPersistFile;
};
};

[
exe,
uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
module CHelloLib
{

// some code related header files
importheader(<windows.h>);
importheader(<ole2.h>);
importheader(<except.hxx>);
importheader("pshlo.h");
importheader("shlo.hxx");
importheader("mycls.hxx");

// needed typelibs
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");
importlib("thlo.tlb");

[
uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),
aggregatable
]
coclass CHello
{
cotype THello;
};
};

#include "ipfix.hxx"
extern HANDLE hEvent;
class CHello : public CHelloBase
{
public:
IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
~CHello();

HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

private:
static int cObjRef;
};

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include "thlo.h"
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

int CHello:cObjRef = 0;

CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)
{
cObjRef++;
return;
}

HRESULT __stdcall CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
{
printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
}


CHello::~CHello(void)
{

// when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
cObjRef--;
if( cObjRef == 0 )
PulseEvent(hEvent);

return;
}

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

HANDLE hEvent;

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
ULONG ulRef;
DWORD dwRegistration;
CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
CoInitiali, NULL);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

// wait on an event to stop
WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

// revoke and release the class object
CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
ulRef = pCF->Release();

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();

return(0); }

extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F891,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F890,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <string.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "clsid.h"

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
HRESULT hRslt;
IHello *pHello;
ULONG ulCnt;
IMoniker * pmk;
WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

// get object path
wcsPath[0] = '\0';
wcsT[0] = '\0';
if( argc > 1) {
mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
wcsupr(wcsPath);
}
else {
fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");
return(1);
}

// get print string
if(argc > 2)
mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
else
wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

// print a string out
pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

Sleep(2000);
ulCnt = pHello->Release();
}
else
printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
}

return(0);
}

=================
Apprentice Hacker
=================

#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;

==================
Experienced Hacker
==================

#include <stdio.h>
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}

===============
Seasoned Hacker
===============

% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out

===========
Guru Hacker
===========

% cat
Hello, world.
^D

=====================
AXE System programmer
=====================

LL0:
.seg "data"
.seg "text"
.proc 04
.global _main
_main:
!#PROLOGUE# 0
sethi %hi(LF26),%g1
add %g1,%lo(LF26),%g1
save %sp,%g1,%sp
!#PROLOGUE# 1
.seg "data1"
L30:
.ascii "Hello, World\012\0"
.seg "text"
.seg "data1"
L32:
.ascii "Hello, World\012\0"
.seg "text"
set L32,%o0
call _strlen,1
nop
mov %o0,%i5
set L30,%o0
call _printf,1
nop
cmp %o0,%i5
bne L2000000
nop
mov 0,%o0
b L2000001
nop
L2000000:
mov 0x1,%o0
L2000001:
call _exit,1
nop
LE26:
ret
restore
LF26 = -96
LP26 = 96
LST26 = 96
LT26 = 96
.seg "data"

0000000 0103 0107 0000 0060 0000 0020 0000 0000
0000020 0000 0030 0000 0000 0000 0054 0000 0000
0000040 033f ffff 8200 63a0 9de3 8001 1100 0000
0000060 9012 2000 4000 0000 0100 0000 ba10 0008
0000100 1100 0000 9012 2000 4000 0000 0100 0008
0000100 1100 0000 9012 2000 4000 0000 0100 0000
0000120 80a2 001d 1280 0005 0100 0000 9010 2000
0000140 1080 0003 0100 0000 9010 2001 4000 0000
0000160 0100 0000 81c7 e008 81e8 0000 0000 0000
0000200 4865 6c6c 6f2c 2057 6f72 6c64 0a00 4865
0000220 6c6c 6f2c 2057 6f72 6c64 0a00 0000 0000
0000240 0000 000c 0000 0608 0000 006e 0000 0010
0000260 0000 060b 0000 006e 0000 0014 0000 0286
0000300 ffff ffec 0000 0020 0000 0608 0000 0060
0000320 0000 0024 0000 060b 0000 0060 0000 0028
0000340 0000 0186 ffff ffd8 0000 004c 0000 0386
0000360 ffff ffb4 0000 0004 0500 0000 0000 0000
0000400 0000 000a 0100 0000 0000 0000 0000 0012
0000420 0100 0000 0000 0000 0000 001a 0100 0000
0000440 0000 0000 0000 0020 5f6d 6169 6e00 5f70
0000460 7269 6e74 6600 5f73 7472 6c65 6e00 5f65
0000500 7869 7400
0000504

% axe_generate -f system.uhdl
Application 'Exchange' generated
2324042350000000 source code lines
No Errors detected.
Hardware retrieval...done OK
Certification Test...done OK
Packing..............done OK
Delivery.............done OK
Application 'Exchange' delivered to customer
23456000 bytes/sec.
End processing, 2345 seconds.

===========================
Ultra high level programmer
===========================

system.uhdl :

SYSTEM
CREATE ScreenWin
SIZE 20000000/Unit=One
DESTINATION Order.dest[One]
OUTPUT CHARACTER['Hello world']
END
END

===========
New Manager
===========

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

==============
Middle Manager
==============

mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12

Bob, could you please write me a program that prints
"Hello, world."? I need it by tomorrow.

^D

==============
Senior Manager
==============

% zmail all

I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.

===============
Chief Executive
===============

% message
message: Command not found
% pm
pm: Command not found
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
> help mail
help: Command not found.
>what
what: Command not found
>need help
need: Command not found
> damn!
!: Event unrecognized
>exit
exit: Unknown
>quit
%
% logout

Bipppp ! Mrs. Thompson? Please page Tommy for me. NOW!

[hard candy]

Overclocking Home electrical System (http://bbspot.com/News/2002/08/house.html)

[hard candy]

The waters of the Great Flood were receding, and Noah had beached his Ark. The animals were leaving, and he sent them off with the words:

"Go forth and multiply."

Then he heard a plaintive voice from below:
"We can't -- we're Adders."

Noah pondered this dilemma. Struck by sudden inspiration, he said "Follow me!" and led the two snakes down into the ship's galley.

The labor of building the ark had consumed all of Noah's time prior to the flood, and he had mere hours to provide interior furnishings. The crude table made of unfinished tree limbs that graced the galley was one of the few accommodations on board the ark. He carefully pried it loose from the deck to which it had been hastily nailed 40 days ago, and presented it to the snakes with a flourish saying,

"Here. Even adders can multiply on a log table."

[Pafnoutios]

Originally posted by hard candy

"Here. Even adders can multiply on a log table."

That is the third worst joke I've ever heard.

[StarTiger]

Originally posted by Pafnoutios
That is the third worst joke I've ever heard.

Do I dare ask what worst joke #1 and worst joke #2 were?

[hard candy]

Geek Theology

Author Unknown

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that -- by performing a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

[hard candy]

Why the Geek Girl?

So you realized that you're never going to meet Kim Basinger. Moreover, the pretty thing in your Sociology class or the leggy new secretary in the office has given you the cold shoulder three weeks in a row. You're feeling fairly dejected. You obviously haven't considered dating a geek girl.

Unlike the cute things you've been chasing, geek girls learned long ago that physical attributes aren't as important as the person underneath. On the Internet, they can participate in great, anonymous cybercommunities, they can IRC, they can MUD, they can IM, and they can email; they can interact with people intimately without ever meeting them face to face. They are more attracted to intelligence than testosterone; they don't need football players - in fact, most of them find them to be a turnoff. Most importantly, they like fellow geeks - prefer them, even. With a geek girl, a geek guy has a decided advantage. They understand them; they are understood by them. This could actually work.

Where to Find Geek Girls

Contrary to popular belief, the geek girl is not some mythical, impossible-to-find creature. If you have never met one, well, you have not been looking in the right places. There is probably one right next to you in the laboratory; but if you are not fortunate enough to have one sitting at the next console, then look to the 'Net. Every geek girl knows that the Internet is not just a tool; it's a communications device. Most geek girls have a very active online life; that may be the only part of their life that is active right now. Look for them online, or even, if you're brave, in the lab; but be careful. A geek girl might not be as comfortable with you in person as she is online; sometimes it's best to try the 'indirect' route first. [footnote]

Attracting the Geek Girl

Geek girls are not attracted to neanderthals. In fact, surviving out there amongst the net.tomcats, they have developed rather finely-honed defenses. Therefore, an email saying, "Me Tarzan, you Jane," will most likely be met with a spout of flame the likes of which you have probably never seen before, and if you can't get into your asbestos suit fast enough, it's not our fault.

Therefore, the brash approach is not always the best tactic. Before flooding the bandwidth with your testosterone, it is always good to acquaint yourself with the geek girl in question and familiarize yourself with her haunts. Read her favorite newsgroups or online forums for a while; verse yourself in her interests. When you feel ready, venture forth a post or two, but be careful; sound intelligent. Read the FAQ first. If it's been said before, don't repeat it. If it's off topic, don't mention it. Most importantly, if it's flamebait, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. One of the quickest ways to turn off a geek girl is to show yourself unknowledgeable of net.etiquette. Twinks need not apply.

If she likes what you said, the geek girl may write back to you in private email. Private email conversations are a great way to get to know a geek girl, but do not get ahead of yourself! Thanks to the joys of email, the geek girl has had to fend off as many come-ons as a blonde bombshell who frequents singles bars. Keep the conversation neutral until she changes it.

Talking to the Geek Girl

There are many topics of conversation the geek girl may be interested in discussing. One of the most popular ones is Science Fiction; geek girls are often avid SF fans, and many will gleefully analyze the latest B5 episode for hours with you; however, there are a few things to keep in mind where the geek girl take on Science Fiction is concerned:

1. Ivanova is God.
2. Voyager got it right: a woman's place IS in the Captain's chair. Or in Engineering. Or anywhere else that requires her to use her brain instead of just being a 'nurturing figure.'
3. The 'spandex in space' phenomenon [footnote] is evil. What characters wear when they're out of uniform is another matter entirely. Picard in his riding pants, for instance, or Archer in his boxer briefs, are both quite acceptable.
4. Every geek girl has had a crush on Han Solo or Luke Skywalker. Most of us, both. Many of us still do, secretly.
5. Episodes that explore a character's inner feelings are just as important, if not more so, than ones where they go around shooting things.
6. Geek girls like Spock better than Kirk. Don't ask; it just IS.
7. It is a nice thing when the brainy computer whiz kid is actually a girl for a change. Likewise, geek girls will cheer when a woman becomes Chief of Engineering. If you know what's good for you, you will cheer, too.
8. Pouty lips on a Vulcan? Puh-leeze!

Geek Girl Appearance

So you finally get to meet your geek girl in person. What does she look like? Most geek girls have low-maintenance appearances in their regular, day-to-day lives. After all, their online life is often more active than their RL existence, so why bother? More important, however, is the comfort issue. They want to be comfortable; and, in the end, someone who prefers being comfortable to 'looking good' is probably someone who's a lot more comfortable to be around.

Jeans are the staple element of the geek girl wardrobe. Glasses, usually strong, are also a familiar touch. The hair can be any length, but in almost all cases, it is OUT OF THE WAY. They don't dress for success. They dress for comfort, for long hours in the lab, for convenience. This is not to say that geek girls aren't capable of looking nice; they can be quite striking when the mood suits them. Most of the time, however, they are under fluorescent lighting and bent over the monitor, so makeup, suits, and high heels are utterly pointless. Not that they aren't anyway, of course.

Maintaining the Geek Girl

Once you've got her, the next step is keeping her. To do this, just remember that your geek girl has a few special things about her that distinguish her from other women. All women like gifts, but the geek girl's tastes may be different. The average woman likes flowers, but the geek girl is not average, and may not wish to be bothered with something so transient. A Star Trek mousepad would last much longer. Thinking of getting her a necklace? Why not a new sound card instead? A makeup table would not get much use, but a new computer desk would probably see her more than you do. Use your brain when choosing the gifts; that's what she likes you for, anyway. [footnote]

In closing, remember that a geek girl is a rewarding choice for a happy life. Unencumbered by many of the more ridiculous of society's trappings, she is a comfortable person who uses her brain and who wants to be with someone who does the same. If you qualify, a geek girl may be for you!

**No, I don't keep lists of geek girls wanting pen pals or good newsgroups or good online forums for meeting geek girls. I've never had troubles encountering fellow geek girls, so I'm not really certain why guys write to me so much, asking where they all are. That being said, I did come across a site called Peer 2 Peer which claims to be a geek personals service. I guess you could start there.
http://personals.ufies.org/home.html

[hard candy]

WHAT A DAY!



Dear God:

Yesterday was an awful day for me...

My husband ran off with his secretary,

My son pierced his eyebrow,

My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,

My dog mated with the neighbors cat,

My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,

My Mom told me I was adopted,

My Dad told me he's gay,

My boss told me I was laid off,

My sister was arrested for prostitution,

My house has termites,

My car was stolen,

All that came in the mail was bills,

A plane, crash landed on my garage,

OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,

And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please....

DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!

AMEN

[hard candy]

HOW TO BUILD A WEB PAGE IN 25 STEPS



1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -16.3 E10" - 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.

16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity.

[hard candy]

WORKER JED



Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
(Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...)

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Silicon Valley...
(Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...)

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
(OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...)

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
(Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...)

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
(Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...)

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.
(Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Case...)

Y'all come back now... ya hear'

[hard candy]

WINDOWS 2000 BROOKLYN EDITION



It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 2000 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

- The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
- It reads WINDAS 2000 with a background picture of the East River with a floating body. It is shipped with a 'NYPD BLUE' screensaver.
- Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled 'Gar*****'
- My Computer is called 'My Freakin Computer,'
- Dialup Networking is called 'Good Fellas',
- Control Panel is known as the 'da Tote Board,'
- Hard Drive is referred to as 'da trunk', and....
- Floppies are them 'little Freakin plastic disc tings'.

OTHER FEATURES:

* Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Grafitti.
* OK= do it I tell ya
* Cancel = hell no
* Reset = dis is ya last chance
* Yes = a kay
* No = na
* Find = turn dis place ova
* Insert = stick it in dere
* Delete = rub it out
* Help = can I get some help here
* Stop = ya betta quit it
* Start = let's get a move on
* Settings = da Fix
* Programs = stuff
* Documents = stuff dat I already done

Also note that windas 2000 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to windas 2000:

- Secritary...........A word processor
- Pitcha maker.......a Graphics program
- Numbers......calculator
- Scratch paper......notepad
- Boom-box............CD player
- Da Web............Microsoft Explorer
- pitchas.............A graphics viewer
- IRS.................M/S accounting software
- IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
- Bookie.....Race track records tax records..usually an empty file
- graffiti...screen saver
- Red Light District....Internet connection
- Vinni's...... Discount computer repairs

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

[hard candy]

COMPUTER SPELL CHECKERS



Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

[hard candy]

• “I’m wearing a tie with the chemical elements on it. I only wear it periodically.”
• His definition of an IP address: the location of your bathroom.
• Proof of relativity: “When you’re with your wife’s relatives, time slows down.”
• What’s an enterprise server? “A waiter on Star Trek.”

[hard candy]

Boston Software Party
Fake News written by James Baughn on July 4, 1999
from the polluting-the-atlantic-with-toxic-waste dept.
BOSTON, MA -- Thousands of disgruntled Linux revolutionaries showed up at the Boston Harbor today to protest "taxation without representation" by the oppressive Microsoft Corporation. Thousands of pounds of Microsoft boxes, CD-ROMs, manuals, license agreements, promotional materials, and registration forms were dumped into the harbor during the First Annual Boston Software Party.

Some attendees sold hastily printed T-shirts with slogans like "July 4th, 1999: Microsoft Independence Day!" and "What do you call 10,000 pounds of Microsoft software at the bottom of the ocean? A darned good start!" Others sold fake dollar bills with a portrait of Tux Penguin and the saying, "In Linus We Trust".

One highlight (or lowlight, depending on perspective) of the event was an impromptu speech given by Eric S. Raymond in which he compared the Open Source movement with that of the American Revolution. "The Colonists had the Stamp Tax, we have a Microsoft tax on new computers pre-installed with Windows... [T]hey had the Declaration [of Independence], we have the Cathedral and the Bazaar. They had the Constitution... we have the Open Source Definition. They had Thomas Jefferson, we have, um, me!"

Raymond's speech ignited a long-running thread on Slashdot entitled, "Top Ten Differences If Thomas Jefferson Behaved Like Eric Raymond During the American Revolution". Some items from the original post include:

2. The preamble to the Constitution would say, "We the pragmatists of the Open States of America, in order to foster the production of higher quality tea and tobacco..."

5. The phrases "the right to bear arms shall not be infringed" and "Geeks With Guns" would be plastered throughout the O.S.A. Constitution.

9. Instead of Congress, the "Open States Institute" board of directors would make all of the national legislative decisions.

10. Raymond, New Hampshire would be the home of the O.S.A. capitol.

The thread immediately turned into a Raymond vs. Stallman flame fest. "If Stallman had been a Founding Father," one rebuttal post argued, "we'd be living in the GNUnited States of America. Our Constitution would be called the General Public License..." The discussion went downhill from there.

Dotheads weren't the only people to scoff at the Boston event and ESR's ego-boosting speech. One Australian ranted, "I'm getting a little sick of those Americans comparing the Open Source movement to some kind of US-centric democratic revolution. It's software for crying out loud! Eric Raymond is not Thomas Jefferson. Linus Torvalds is not George Washington. Bill Gates is not the King of England. Get a grip, people! If you want to combat an oppressive regime, move down to Australia for awhile and revolt against Net censorship!"

A history professor at a Boston university commented, "Dumping Microsoft stuff into the Atlantic might be therapeutic, but it's a waste of time." Any idiot who has studied history knows that revolutions are most effective if enemy territory is attacked. The French stormed the Bastille. We should storm Redmond!"

A controversial InfoWorld pundit wrote in his daily column, "The protest in Boston just proves my contention that the Linux community is full of Get-Back-To-Earth spirtualists bent on World Domination and Marxist dogma. Linux is doomed. Windows Y2K is the future."

[hard candy]

Top ten uses for my boyfriend's computer.
10) Good post-it note holder.

9) Keeps pesky boyfriend out of your hair.

8) Warm place for the cat to sleep.

7) Good reason to have an extra bedroom.

6) Bonding tool for men.

5) Tossed from an upstairs window, it gets the attention of passing pedestrians.

4) Hey Dave! Steamroll this!

3) At home shopping!

2) Typing these stupid top ten lists.

1) 3 1/2" disks make good drink coasters.

[hard candy]

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said "you must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."

The blonde answered "no, I'm working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

[hard candy]

Building Muscles for Keyboard Jockeys
For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) that don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

[hard candy]

The Top 10 Differences Between Geeks and Nerds
Writer's note: This issue has been bouncing around unsettled since the beginning of time. Leave it to Mikey and the great BPATT to clear it up for all of you.

10) GEEKS snicker and blush at dirty jokes; NERDS laugh uncontrollably for hours.

9) GEEKS will fit only in full size gym lockers; NERDS fit in all gym lockers.

8) GEEKS wear bowling shoes as their regular shoes; NERDS wear bowling shoes with plaid shorts.

7) GEEKS occasionly get lucky and get to pass their phone number to someone at a bar; NERDS will only pass their URL at a bar.

6) GEEKS get a perfect score on the SAT; NERDS write the damn SAT.

5) GEEKS see "Urkel" as their hero; NERDS watch all of the "Revenge of the Nerds" movies(Yes, even Revenge #5) for their inspiration.

4) GEEKS socialize with DWEEBS; NERDS socialize with DORKS

3) GEEKS will snort when they laugh; NERDS will snort but add a very high pitched nasal wheeze(see Horshack on the Welcome Back Kotter series on Nickelodeon)to their performance.

2) GEEKS set their phasers on stun; NERDS set theirs on Kill cause you never know when those nasty Klingons may appear.

1) Isn't it obvious...GEEKS read Top 10 lists; NERDS write Top 10 Lists.

Thanks to Mikey for the Topic and BPATT for the list

Submitted: Fri Mar 27 22:28:15 1998

[hard candy]

Software - How Software Companies Die
By: Orson Scott Card

The environment that nurtures creative programmers kills management and marketing types - and vice versa. Programming is the Great Game. It consumes you, body and soul. When you're caught up in it, nothing else matters. When you emerge into daylight, you might well discover that you're a hundred pounds overweight, your underwear is older than the average first grader, and judging from the number of pizza boxes lying around, it must be spring already. But you don't care, because your program runs, and the code is fast and clever and tight. You won. You're aware that some people think you're a nerd. So what? They're not players. They've never jousted with Windows or gone hand to hand with DOS. To them C++ is a decent grade, almost a B - not a language. They barely exist. Like soldiers or artists, you don't care about the opinions of civilians. You're building something intricate and fine. They'll never understand it.

BEEKEEPING

Here's the secret that every successful software company is based on: You can domesticate programmers the way beekeepers tame bees. You can't exactly communicate with them, but you can get them to swarm in one place and when they're not looking, you can carry off the honey. You keep these bees from stinging by paying them money. More money than they know what to do with. But that's less than you might think. You see, all these programmers keep hearing their parents' voices in their heads saying "When are you going to join the real world?" All you have to pay them is enough money that they can answer (also in their heads) "Geez, Dad, I'm making more than you." On average, this is cheap. And you get them to stay in the hive by giving them other coders to swarm with. The only person whose praise matters is another programmer. Less-talented programmers will idolize them; evenly matched ones will challenge and goad one another; and if you want to get a good swarm, you make sure that you have at least one certified genius coder that they can all look up to, even if he glances at other people's code only long enough to sneer at it. He's a Player, thinks the junior programmer. He looked at my code. That is enough. If a software company provides such a hive, the coders will give up sleep, love, health, and clean laundry, while the company keeps the bulk of the money.

OUT OF CONTROL

Here's the problem that ends up killing company after company. All successful software companies had, as their dominant personality, a leader who nurtured programmers. But no company can keep such a leader forever. Either he cashes out, or he brings in management types who end up driving him out, or he changes and becomes a management type himself. One way or another, marketers get control. But... control of what? Instead of finding assembly lines of productive workers, they quickly discover that their product is produced by utterly unpredictable, uncooperative, disobedient, and worst of all, unattractive people who resist all attempts at management. Put them on a time clock, dress them in suits, and they become sullen and start sabotaging the product. Worst of all, you can sense that they are making fun of you with every word they say.

SMOKED OUT

The shock is greater for the coder, though. He suddenly finds that alien creatures control his life. Meetings, Schedules, Reports. And now someone demands that he PLAN all his programming and then stick to the plan, never improving, never tweaking, and never, never touching some other team's code. The lousy young programmer who once worshiped him is now his tyrannical boss, a position he got because he played golf with some sphincter in a suit. The hive has been ruined. The best coders leave. And the marketers, comfortable now because they're surrounded by power neckties and they have things under control, are baffled that each new iteration of their software loses market share as the code bloats and the bugs proliferate. Got to get some better packaging. Yeah, that's it.

[hard candy]

a geek history
First there was God. He was quite lonely so he created Dennis.

Dennis was unimpressed with God.

So, God created Brian.

But, Brian got bored with God.

So Brian and Dennis started playing, and they created C. God saw C, and saw that it was good. So he decided to let Brian and Dennis play some more.

Then Brian and Dennis created Unix. God saw Unix, and he was jealous. So he created Bill to torment Brian and Dennis and obscure their creation (for God could not destroy Unix, for he secretly admired its perfection).

So Bill created Microsoft. And Microsoft created Windows. And God saw that it was bad, but it had market share, so he was happy. Then Bill got cocky, and his ego got bigger than God's. So to knock Bill down a couple of pegs, God put into effect a wondrous plan.

First God created Tim. And Tim created the World Wide Web (using Unix, of course). This was good, but not THAT good. So God created Marc. Marc created Mosaic (using Unix, of course). Mosaic created a huge feeding frenzy that has got a lot of people who are reading this their jobs.

But that's a different story. Mosaic was good, and God saw it was good, so he allowed Marc to start Netscape. Back to this later.

But all this time Brian and Dennis started to make something better than Unix called Plan 9. (Great legends say that God crushed Plans 1-7. There was no Plan 8 because Brian and Dennis pulled the wool over God's eyes and just jumped to Plan 9, which was too bright a move for even God to figure out.)

Eventually, God figured out how to create Larry.

No one knows how or why he created Larry, except perhaps to reduce productivity at the Jet Propulsion Labs at NASA. Rumors are that God created Larry because he secretly liked what Dennis and Brian had done with C, but didn't think C and Unix was enough -- this probably isn't true because God believed he had destroyed Brian and Dennis's plans by destroying Plans 1-7, and by creating Microsoft to slay their beloved Unix.

Anyhow, Larry created Perl (using Unix and C, of course), and God saw it was good, so he made Randal. Larry and Randal wrote books about Perl. And everyone saw that this was good, except snobs who were too much into C, Windows, and Intel.

One day God and the angels were discussing all this, and in walks an Intel lawyer. God asked him, "Where have you been?" and the lawyer said, "Cruising the Net". God thought he would cut the Intel lawyer down a peg, so he said, "You must have seen my faithful servant, Randal. What do you think? Books, courses, free advice on the news group, the guy never stops." But Intel's lawyer said to God, "Big deal, what with all money from royalties, consulting, courses, etc., no wonder he's such a boy scout. Take it away, and he'll give up, curse you and stop telling bad jokes."

This was too much for God. "No way!", he said. "Go take all Randal has, but let him keep teaching courses as long as he tells those great jokes. I love his jokes." (Randal's jokes are a big hit with God and all the angels. On earth folks think they're bad. In Heaven they say you had to be there.) So the Intel lawyer had the Oregon D.A. take every penny Randal makes that isn't necessary to keep him teaching courses. And that is why Randal tells bad jokes as if his life depended on it.

The Intel lawyer told the D.A. and everyone else that the reason Randal was being punished was because he sinned against God by breaking into Intel. And many repeat the story told by the Intel lawyer even unto this day.

Anyhow, Randal and Larry wrote books, but they had to be nice because of the people they worked for. So then came Tom. But back to Tom later.

Anyhow, God saw Netscape (made using Unix and C, of course), and he saw it was good, and that annoyed Bill quite a bit. And that made Him very happy, and made Marc very rich. But Bill was very very rich. But that's a *completely* different story.

But as good as Larry's creation, Perl, was, it couldn't do everything, so God created Scott. Scott announced Java, and this was big news. Now Java really pissed Bill off, because Bill also created Blackbird, and Java killed Blackbird. This was bad because killing Blackbird also meant killing The Microsoft Network. And many rejoiced over that, but that, too is another story.

Now Java, obviously had done much to annoy Bill. For Java was so good that Bill had to license Java. All this time, Scott poked lots of fun at Bill because Sun, which was where Scott worked, made a better OS, derived -- of course -- from Unix, which was better than Bill's and Microsoft's Windows.

Anyhow, even God's creations Steve and Steve who created Apple couldn't make Bill license the much superior MacOS. But finally, Bill had to license Java. So justice was served, and Bill's ego was served him on a platter for him to eat his words. Or something. That part is unclear.

So by this time Windows and Microsoft and Bill in general really sucked. Especially considering the advantages that Brian and Dennis's C and Unix, running Marc's Netscape and Mosaic over Tim's World Wide Web, doing cool CGI stuff with Larry's Perl, which you learned from Randal and Tom, and got to program with Scott's Java.

And God realized he had put Bill down too far. So then God made it so that Marc's Netscape and Mosaic could run on Windows. We already know that Bill had to license Java from Scott. We know that Bill missed the boat for not beating Tim to the punch on the World Wide Web. The last straw was for God to make it possible for Larry's Perl to run on Bill's Windows.

So back to Tom. Tom was a Perl God. And God didn't like this, but Tom's a God so there isn't much God could do, so He couldn't stop Tom from saying things like "install an operating system on your poor lonely computer the way God and Dennis intended", and "Espousing the eponymous /cgi-bin/perl.exe?FMH.pl execution model is like reading a suicide note -- three days too late."

The moral to the story? God is fickle. That's why Microsoft and Bill and Windows exists. Do what God intended, install C, Unix, Mosaic/Netscape, Java, and Perl on your system, and make Brian, Dennis, Larry, Tim, Tom, Randal, Scott, and even Steve and Steve, I'm sure, happy by doing so.

Oh yeah, Linus was cool too. He's the guy you thank for being able to run all the cool stuff on your crappy little Pee Cee. (Anything with x86 on it, by default, is crappy, no PERSONAL flames intended.)

Glossary
Brian and Dennis - of Kernighan and Ritchie Fame for developing the "C" language at Bell laboratories. "The C Programming Language" The "bible" for C programmers.
"C" - came after "A" and "B" - perhaps the most flexible and extensible language for programming
Bill - Bill Gates (who else?)
Tim - CERN's Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of HTML and the web
Marc - Marc Andraesson, developer of the graphical browser at NCSA - Mosaic, founder of Netscape
Larry - Larry Wall, Associate with O'Reilly and Associates (previously Unisys and Seagate)
Randal - Randal Schwartz "Eclectic Tradesman and Entrepreneur", Stonehenge Consulting Services, previously, Tektronix, ServioLogic, Sequent
Larry and Randal - Authors of "Programming Perl, 1st edition"
Perl - "Practical Extraction and Report Language" sometimes referred to as "Pathologically Eclectic Rubbish Lister"
Tom - Tom Christiansen, Free-lance consultant, previously with Convex
Larry, Randal, and Tom - Authors of "Programming Perl, 2nd Edition"
CGI - "Common Gateway Interface", used for making web pages interactive
Scott - Scott McNealy, CEO of Sun Microsystems
Java - locally run code on a PC, received, usually, from a web site
Steve and Steve - Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, co-founders of Apple Computer. Jobs went on to found NeXT, which created NeXTstep, an object-oriented Operating System for various platforms. "The Woz" went on to do other amazing and often legendary things.
Linus - Linus Torvalds, creator of Linux, which is a free version of the UNIX operating system for PC's

[hard candy]

Good thing nobody listened...

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

[hard candy]

Cars for the Information Highway

In the wake of continuing public awareness about the so called "Information Super Highway", or "Infobahn", here is a guide to the different protocols and applications which you can use to cruise...

OSI

This sleek black car has obviously been long years in the design process - almost everything has been thought of, down to the last detail. Unfortunately, it is 500 metres long, weighs 300 tons, and has no accelerator pedal. It takes a long time to get going, but once it reaches its top speed (15 mph), it takes a lot to stop it. A gentle hill will usually do the trick...
TCP/IP

This hillbilly pickup truck has the most crazy assortment of add ons you can possibly imagine, but underneath there is a deceptively simple, rust-free chassis. You can also hear the purr of an obviously turbo-charged V8 engine underneath the clutter, but it's getting harder to find. It'll do 0-60 in 4 seconds, but it has no brakes. Brakes? Who needs brakes? Just jam a crowbar in the axle and lock the wheels...
WWW

This is a huge freeway system, with roads crossing roads all over the place. Exits flash past at bewildering speed, and before long you can think you're lost beyond hope of ever being found. However, if you know where you want to go, you're okay, since you can guarantee that there will be at least a dozen ways to get there. Unfortunately, they're all off that road underneath you. So you just have to work out how to get there...
Netscape

This is a huge tour bus, the very latest air conditioned, luxury model. It'll take you wherever you want to go, as long as there is a 5-lane freeway right to the doorstep, otherwise get off and walk (it's quicker). Oh, and the highway is jammed with hundreds of other buses full of Japanese tourists busy taking photos and writing articles about the anarchic freedom of the highways, whilst sitting in a huge traffic jam waiting to get into Gracelands.
ftp

This is a sleek bare-bones sports car with an ultra aerodynamic body. It will take you where you want to go in the blink of a second and you can fill the boot with as much stuff as you want. However, there is no windscreen, 184 gears, and you have to type in a 12 digit number from memory to tell it where to go.
telnet

This is a reliable old family saloon car. It never breaks down, can fit down any road, no matter how small and twisty, and performs well no matter what the road conditions. However, it goes at the same speed on a 6 lane autobahn as on a dirt track, and it steers like a 12 ton truck.
X Windows

This is a flashy red convertible, with electric windows, doors, sunroof etc. Inside, you can alter the position of the steering wheel, the layout of all the controls and instruments, the sound of the horn, and the colour of any of the fittings. It is the ultimate accessory for the power user, and gives you many happy years of pleasure. It is only when you get out of the car that you realise that you never left the drive.
Windows 95

This car is in such great demand that your order cannot be delivered until next year. However, when you do get it, it looks great, a big improvement over the Windows 3 model, and it boasts a big "Highway Ready" sticker in the back window, which means you finally get to leave the car park. You get inside, and press the big red "Go InfoBahn" button on the dashboard. You wait for the g force. Nothing happens for 10 minutes, then the square wheels fall off.

[hard candy]

Useful Metric Conversions:

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

[hard candy]

ATTICS DISEASE



Dear __________:

We regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus.

It would benefit you to be tested and/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a simple "screw you" or "muuuuaaaahhhhh".

It appears to be predominant in WebTV and AOL users but has been detected in the *real* internet users' community.

Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical ailments if not treated.

You will be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any of these contact this office and forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts!

The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for years.

DO NOT IGNORE THESE WARNING SIGNS!

1. KEYBOARD COURAGE: The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.

2. WOOHOO: The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of overactive woohoormones).

3. HOLIDAY INN-hibition: The need to take someone to a private room.

4. P.T.P.U.D. (POST TRAUMATIC POP UP DISORDER): Heavy reliance on popups.

5. HORIZONTAL RETINAL SCAN: Inability to read anything that doesn't scroll up.

6. LOSS OF FINGERNAILS.

7. CYBER TURRETS SYNDROME: The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone rings.

8. RED EYE: Elimination of any whites from the eye.

9. VIRTUAL SPEED: The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment leaves the screen.

10. SLEEP APATHY: Going without sleep to chat.

11. CYBER ANOREXIA: Going without food to chat.

12.SYMBOLIC DYSLEXIA: The use of initials instead of words i.e.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY *** OFF.

13. NIC IDENTITY CRISIS: The adoption of a nic as a second name.

If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact me.

Thanks for your time,

Dr. Pete O. Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control

[XiaoKJ]

Originally posted by hard candy
Good thing nobody listened...

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

Why? there is already computers that weigh less than 1.5 tons, and there are also some that weigh more... so its true in a sense...

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

This is true. in one point of time there really is the need for the fifth computer in existance, in history. you cannot deny it, just that its long past that already

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

The existance of this person is a fad. Enough said.

"But what ... is it good for?"
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

Notice that this is a question, not a real comment. He's asking the listener for details.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 [/B]

its no reason -- other than gaming :D

Just for laughs

[hard candy]

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor.

The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (sweeping floors and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves.

Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

[hard candy]

Ken_Blackman.INTEGRATION@gateway.qm.apple.com (Ken Blackman)
Apple Computer, Inc.
(computer, original, chuckle)

Could someone please help me out. I'm not a math wiz, but I think I've stumbled onto something important, and it looks like it could have some profound implications for a number of fields.

I call it a Random Filter. The opposite of a random number generator, this algorithm takes a stream of numbers and removes the random ones, thus leaving a collection of purely non-random numbers. Here's the simple version; where the function rand() represents your favorite random number generator:

loop
n <- input # get next n
r <- rand() # also get a random number
n = r ? # is n itself a random number ?
yes: trash <- n # then toss it
no: output <- n # otherwise keep it
end loop

In other words, the randomness of each n is determined by comparing it to a number known to be random; all random n's are filtered out. It's just like that technique of finding prime numbers by eliminating all the composites. For example, this could be handy for scientific researchers: now they can weed out any random fluctuations in their statistical data. Astronomers can get sharper pictures. Physicists can finally get past that whole Heisenberg thing.

Obviously this technique hinges on having a good reliable source of randomness to use for comparison. Using a computer-based rand() in the loop above will only produce PSEUDO-non-random output.

Before you tell me what you think of all this (cough cough), let me assure you that I have already used it, with fabulously successful results. Before sending this note, I took the ASCII text and merged it with a file of Geiger readings from some radioactive isotope. Then, using the same geiger recording as my rand() function (since it was, after all, still random), I pumped the altered text through a Random Filter and, voila, out came the original! Pretty amazing, huh?

I can only speculate as to what would happen if I'd had some mechanical dice roller feeding its results to the computer in real time. With that degree of randomness at its disposal, the Filter may have corrected my spelling, cleaned up my grammar, or removed some other imperfections I'm not aware of. No telling how powerful this technique could be.

Think of what this could mean for areas like data integrity, quantum physics, radio reception, compiler design, weather forecasting, economics, structural design, how about racetrack handicapping... the applications seem virtually limitless.

Well, waddya think? One thing's for sure--I'm planning a trip to Las Vegas. Soon as I can figure out how to use the slot machines to beat the roulette wheel.

Late-breaking news: The Random Filter has continued to demonstrate its value. I applied it to a list of the last six months' winning lottery numbers. I tried every method and variation I could think of, and the results were absolute gobbledy-gook: the Random Filter concept simply could not be meaningfully applied to this set of data. In other words, I proved conclusively that the lottery is FIXED (ie, not random). Pretty amazing, huh?

[hard candy]

aland@quasar.informix.com (Alan Denney)
(chuckle, computer)

From an article on Sunsoft's plans to publish Solaris (SunOS) for general Intel-based machines which appeared in the September 5 edition of the San Jose Mercury News:

... While programs written for Sun machines won't run unmodified on Intel-based computers, Sun said the two packages will be completely compatible and that software companies can convert a program from one system to the other through a fairly straightforward and automated process known as "recompiling."

[hard candy]

NEW TECHNOLOGY ANNOUNCEMENT FROM APPLE

In a surprise announcment, yesterday, Apple Computer said that it is finally doing away with the keyboard. Apple stated that the microcomputer user has suffered too long with this awkward and inefficient input device. According to an Apple spokesperson, the technology for replacing the keyboard with only a mouse is here and the computer user is ready for it. The spokesperson said that Apple has received a steady stream of complaints over the years about the need to constantly move the hands between the Mac keyboard and mouse. "The solution was obvious - do away with the keyboard completely."

Acknowledging that there are still a few Mac applications that depend on textual input in addition to graphical manipulation, Apple said the poor people stuck with such outdated technology have not been forgotten. They are introducing the Spinning Alphabet Wheel (SAW) to replace the keyboard. The SAW is a screen display object consisting of concentric circular strips showing all of the characters which normally appear on the keyboard. The wheel rotates continuously under character selector windows. The user selects a character by placing the mouse pointer in the appropriate window at the same time as the desired character is about the appear. "...and, ta-da, the selected character appears on the screen just as though it had been typed on an old fashioned keyboard."

"This is a marvelous new technology with plenty of room for growth." said the spokesperson. For example, the user can configure separate wheels for vowels vs. the consonants. Or, digits can be placed on their own special low speed wheel. "We have conceptualized the keyboard as a big, bulky menu selection device and replaced it with dynamic display menus instead. Apple will eventually replace all menus with their new Rotating Wheel Technology (RWT)."

When asked why the wheels have to rotate, the spokesperson said that Apple's engineers had considered using conventional "point-and- click" technology for the wheel. "However," the Apple spokesperson said, "we feel that this type of operation is too complicated for the typical Mac user. So, we have done away with the mouse button too. It is still hard for us to believe that the IBM world has stepped backwards in technology by providing two or more buttons to confuse the user. The IBM compatible sector, apparently, has not yet recognized that 95% of computer usage is devoted to experimenting with different fonts and character styles in documents"

Asked if this new technology would reduce the price of the typical Mac computer, the spokesperson countered that it would probably increase the price of the Mac. "After all, display space is already scarce on the current screen. We will now deliver Macs with two screens - one for the normal display and a larger one for the multitude of rotating wheels the user needs to access." Apple said that the user who is confused by complicated devices such as keyboards and mouse buttons will gladly pay a premium to avoid them. "In fact, the easily-confused user is our best customer" replied the spokesperson. "Not only are we doing away with the pesky keyboard, but we are also giving them something they have demanded for a long time - more screen space. This is definitely a win-win situation."

Beta testers of the new technology were impressed by its ease of use, but said there are still some minor problems to work out. For example, one tester left his machine unattended with the uppercase character wheel spinning at medium speed. While he was away somebody must have jarred his desk, moving the mouse pointer into the selector window. When he got back he found that his Word document now had one huge paragraph consisting of all of the characters of the uppercase alphabet repeated 2,539,987 times. "At first glance, this appeared to be a big problem. But, I formatted the new paragraph with 33 different fonts and 11 different type styles and it looked great. I hope that Apple fixes this problem before they release it, because these accidents can greatly increase the time spent formatting documents."

[hard candy]

If Resumes Told The Truth
Mastikhor
OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask

EMPLOYMENT
Network Management (9/'96-Present)
Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
Debt Consolidation (4/97-12/99)
Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
Resident Inhaler (9/98-6/99)
Assisted all students with chemical intake, from purchasing to exhaling.

COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper
*On/Off Repair Method


HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in "Miller Lite Funnel Tournament"
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
*High Score on Theta Chi's Pinball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.

[hard candy]

If Microsoft had existed in the Middle Ages
kevin
11th April 2000, 10:10 AM
Then Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.

Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay.

Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta."

The "Good Plague" hoax.

Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again.

The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.

Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs.

Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors

helps explain Lord Bill's haircut.

Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie.

Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI.

The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving.

[hard candy]

Picking Logos - or how to describe a penguin

The Linux community have been trying to get the 'perfect' penguin logo
for a week or so now. Various things have been battered around and Linus
finally came up with this spec for the penguin he wanted:

> Now, when you think about penguins, first take a deep calming breath, and
> then think "cuddly". Take another breath, and think "cute". Go back to
> "cuddly" for a while (and go on breathing), then think "contented".
>
> With me so far? Good..
>
> Now, with penguins, (cuddly such), "contented" means it has either just
> gotten laid, or it's stuffed on herring. Take it from me, I'm an expert on
> penguins, those are really the only two options.
>
> Now, working on that angle, we don't really want to be associated with a
> randy penguin (well, we do, but it's not politic, so we won't), so we
> should be looking at the "stuffed to its brim with herring" angle here.
>
> So when you think "penguin", you should be imagining a slighly overweight
> penguin (*), sitting down after having gorged itself, and having just burped.
> It's sitting there with a beatific smile - the world is a good place to be
> when you have just eaten a few gallons of raw fish and you can feel another
> "burp" coming.
>
> (*) Not FAT, but you should be able to see that it's sitting down because
> it's really too stuffed to stand up. Think "bean bag" here.
>
> Now, if you have problems associating yourself with something that gets
> off by eating raw fish, think "chocolate" or something, but you get the
> idea.
>
> Ok, so we should be thinking of a lovable, cuddly, stuffed penguin
> sitting down after having gorged itself on herring. Still with me?
>
> NOW comes the hard part. With this image firmly etched on your eyeballs, you
> then scetch a stylizied version of it. Not a lot of detail - just a black
> brush-type outline (you know the effect you get with a brush where the
> thickness of the line varies). THAT requires talent. Give people the
> outline, and they should say [ sickly sweet voice, babytalk almost ]"Ooh,
> what a cuddly penguin, I bet he is just _stuffed_ with herring", and small
> children will jump up and down and scream "mommy mommy, can I have one too?".

(of course I'm not sure why small children want herring)

[cybertron]

From http://www.examnotes.net/archive90-2002-12-83920.html

This guy was trying to run Mechwarrior 4 (an MS game) under winex. Here's the error he got:

INSTR_IDT_Emulate Evil attempt to exploit win9x system security flaws detected
INSTR_IDT_Emulate UNIX system security is too strong, can't emulate properly

[PeteTheNotSoGr8]

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0419-gif.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/laptop-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0131-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/pctoilet-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0187-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0108-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0239-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0094-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0331-gif.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0509-gif.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0138-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/computer-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0288-gif.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0045-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0247-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0089-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0079-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0547-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0023-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0224-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0459-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0522-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0910-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0315-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0306-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0015-jpg.html

http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/0391-jpg.html

[perfectly_dark]

I don't think anyone posted this but I started losing my mind at around page 7:

http://www.gamedev.net/reference/articles/article1015.asp

[hard candy]

Clue not Found
You do not appear to have a clue.

Please try the following:

* Click refresh to look for clue.
* If you see this error message frequently, make sure that you have Brain Enabled. Most Clue not Found errors are due to selecting the Bypass Brain configuration option.
* To enable Automatic Clue Updates, click the Clue menu, and then click Enable Clue. Select the Clue Pigeon option. At moments of cluelessness, the Clue Pigeon will fly in going "Cloo! Cloo!", clue all over you and fly out again. You must reboot your brain for these settings to take effect.
* If you would like to use the Clue Pigeon to try and discover clues for you, click Detect Settings Detect clues
* If you have performed all of the above and you still get this error message, you probably should not be using the internet.
* Click the USA button if you are American and it is everyone else who doesn't have a clue.


Cannot find Clue or General Brain Error
Internet Ignorer

[hard candy]

HARDWARE ENGINEERS ARE FROM VENUS, SOFTWARE ENGINEERS ARE FROM MARS

ORIGIN OF SPECIES

Not so long ago, Hardware Engineers lived on Venus (some Software Engineers still believe that they should all be shipped back there when they get the technology sorted out) where they built things. On Venus, capacitors grow on trees, resistors grow on bushes, inductors rain from the sky and Hardware Engineers have selectively bred several strains of diode (they were trying to breed edible plants at the time, but what the heck). Whenever they felt suitably inspired, they would knock up a nifty circuit from local Venusian resources, analyse it to death with oscilloscopes and go and drink a few beers. Hardware Engineer dominance rituals involved boasting about circuits they had built, the number of functions on their oscilloscope and games of dare involving hot soldering iron tips.

Meanwhile, Mars was inhabited by Software Engineers (or ‘Computer Geeks’). Since Mars was the rusting hulk of an ancient cosmic supercomputer, Martian Computer Geeks spent most of their time reprogramming it, optimising code, debugging bad code and boasting about the size of their stack dumps and core dumps. Whenever they had excess energy to work off, the Martian Computer Geeks would settle down and hold code reviews or try to invent Real-time Cobol or Artificial Intelligence. Computer Geek dominance rituals generally involved writing complicated programs that printed ‘Hello World’ and duelling in virtual reality.

Due to a cosmic calamity, both Venus and Mars became uninhabitable. Venusian Hardware Engineers built themselves a spaceship while Martian Software Engineers reprogrammed an old one that happened to be lying around unused. By chance, both races landed on a previously uninhabited planet called Earth. And there they were in for a shock. In order to make software run, Computer Geeks had to get hardware Engineers to build it! And whenever a Hardware Engineers sat back glowing with pride at his latest circuit board, some cocky Software Engineer would come along and tell him how much better it would be if it contained an EPROM full of the latest software. It was bound to cause trouble.

"IT’S ALL GEEK TO ME"

To make things more complicated, the two races spoke totally different languages. Hardware Engineers used unintelligible words like ‘bridge rectifier’, ‘opamp’, ‘Schmitt trigger’ and ‘thyristor’. Software Engineers talked about ‘real-time system analysis’ and ‘cyclomatic complexity’. Basically, if it didn’t involve a multi-function scope , hardware Engineers distrusted it. And conversely, if it couldn’t be run through a symbolic debugger, Computer Geeks would have nothing to do with it. Since they both had to share a planet (and moreover one where capacitors didn’t grow on trees and the weather couldn’t be programmed) they would have to learn to understand each other.

For example, whenever a Computer Geek said ‘Let’s shake the bugs out of the system’, the last thing he wanted was for some Hardware Engineer to pick it up and physically shake it. But that’s what happened, every time, because Hardware Engineers always took things literally. Meanwhile, Hardware Engineers got frustrated because Software Engineers retreated behind a smokescreen of jokes and jargon at times when Hardware Engineers needed to hold serious discussions.

Note: Software Engineers are referred to as ‘he’. There are female Computer Geeks, but not very many. No-one is quite sure how Software Engineers reproduce (probably most of them don’t ). As for hardware Engineers, no-one has yet been interested in studying their reproductive strategy, but it probably involves a set of probes somewhere along the line (and overcoming resistance).

To understand each other, Hardware Engineers and Computer Geeks need to know a few basic facts of life about each other.

Hardware Engineers are pedantic; Software Engineers are frivolous. A Hardware Engineer’s pedantic style is sometimes mistaken for a dry sense of humour. Software Engineers flit from frivolous topic to frivolous topic so quickly that they are sometimes mistaken for Attention Deficit Sufferers. Take the following example. The following email was sent to Hardware Engineers and Software Engineers:

"There will be 2 one-hour training sessions on Friday. Please attend between 15:00 and 16:00."

The Hardware Engineers all wrote back asking how to fit 2 hours into a 1 hour training session. They were still discussing the matter five days later. The Software Engineers looked for Dilbert cartoons on time travel. They then forgot about it.

Note: In actual fact, Software Engineers have no real concept of time and space. They phone home saying ‘I’ll be another 45 minutes, I just need to debug this code module and rebuild the exe’. They return home 3 days later wondering (a) why they are so damn hungry, (b) why they smell bad and (c) why their partner has begun divorce proceedings.

The correct approach is use Occam’s Razor. The simplest answer is usually the correct one. In this case the simplest answer is that the time of the first session only has been provided. Hardware Engineers would cut themselves with Occam’s Razor. Software Engineers would say that (a) Occam was only ever used to program transputers, or (b) a razor is hardware (hence the ‘beard and sandals’ image of dedicated Unix users).

Take the next example. An email with the following footnote was sent to a mixture of Hardware Engineers and Computer Geeks:

"Sorry if I have missed anyone off the distribution list of this email."

The Hardware Engineers all sent replies saying, "How does anyone know if they have been missed off the distribution list since they won’t have received the email to find out whether they should have been on the distribution list. Ha!".

Software Engineers thought it was another email joke and forward the message to all their friends with a covering note saying "Is this stupid or what?" thus ensuring that everyone receives a copy, whether or not they need to.

Hardware Engineers and Software Engineers will never be able to communicate until they understand fundamental things about each other’s culture. For example there is the problem of the Bathtub Curve.

This is a hardware concept. Failure rate of components increase after a critical time when components wear out. Hardware Engineers cannot understand why software doesn’t have a bathtub curve. Doesn’t software wear out? Sure, says the sniggering Software Engineers, a few thousand times round this DO-WHILE loop and the 1s and 0s will start to wear out. Hardware Engineers can’t understand the ridicule. Software Engineers can’t work out why car tyres need replacing after several thousand miles.

Note: Software Engineers may not understand the concept of a bathtub. Or of soap and water for that matter.



SURVIVAL STRATEGIES

Unlike Software Engineers, Hardware Engineers have not evolved the ability to survive for several weeks on cold pizza, strong coffee and no sleep. A hardware Engineer is frequently confused by Software Engineer body language: the bloodshot eyes, staring expression and manic appearance seem to him a sign of mental instability and he will feel uneasy or threatened. Another Software Engineer correctly interprets this body language as that of someone who has spent the last caffeine-fueled week trying to debug someone else’s spaghetti code. Conversely, Software Engineers are sometimes so frustrated at a Hardware Engineer’s lack of response to Computer Geek stimuli such as puns, corny jokes and compiler errors that he will be tempted to check for a pulse.

When things get bad, Hardware Engineers get depressed. To Software Engineers they always sound depressed, or at least serious. Sometimes they sound so depressed that Software Engineers start offering to hang nooses from roof-supports so that Hardware Engineers can hang themselves. When Douglas Adams wrote the character of Marvin the Paranoid Android, he must have based it on a Hardware Engineer (Marvin mentions diodes; it’s a dead giveaway). When things get bad, Software Engineers get drunk and tell bad jokes. So bad, in fact, that Hardware Engineers offer to hang Software Engineers from their own nooses. Software Engineer jokes are often so bad and incomprehensible that Hardware Engineers have coined the phrase ‘It’s all geek to me.’

Somewhere along the line, Hardware Engineers and Software Engineers must have interfaced successfully. How else can ‘Systems Engineers’ or ‘Firmware’ be explained? A Systems Engineer is either a Computer Geek who knows which end of a soldering iron not to touch, or a Hardware Engineer who can get a ‘Hello World’ program to compile without wiping the hard drive. Most likely, this successful integration resulted from a misunderstanding about where to put some probes.

In order to share the same planet, Hardware Engineers and Software Engineers must learn a little of each other’s language and behaviour. Faced with a Resistor, a Hardware Engineer will design a circuit. A Software Engineer will hold it up and say ‘Hah! Resistance is useless!" and tell Star trek jokes which Hardware Engineers don’t understand. Faced with a symbolic debugger, a Software Engineer will say "Well who buggered de symbols in de first place?" while a Hardware Engineer looks blank. Hardware Engineers do have a sense of humour, it’s just that Software Engineers haven’t found it yet.

The best places to find a Software Engineer are (a) at Science Fiction conventions; (b) at Dungeons and dragons conventions; (c) job fairs since they are convinced that they earn less than the industry average and (d) at work in front of a computer screen (usually logged onto a porn site). Since the internet, they now attend (a), (b) and (c) in virtual capacity while remaining sat in front of their PC at work.

The best places to find Hardware Engineers are (a) components stores where they can be found haggling over the price of diodes; (b) equipment fairs where they can be seen ogling over rack-mounted test kit and double-sided PCB assembly instructions or (c) anywhere smelling of blown-up kit (they call it ‘smoke testing’). They are rarely found logged onto porn sites, partly because they haven’t worked out what is going on on porn sites, but mainly because they haven’t mastered the use of a computer in order to get on the Internet.

Software Engineers communicate in jargon: megabits, teraflops, object orientation, inheritance classes, unified modelling language, stack underflow, dynamic memory allocation …. The fact that no-one else understands them doesn’t matter as, mostly, they don’t understand each other either. Hardware Engineers sometimes talk about design proving, backplanes, MOSFETs and Hay Bridges, but mostly they draw squiggly lines on paper, a bit like ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics without the storks and baboons. They then go away and build what they’ve drawn. So far, none of them have built pyramids (with one notable exception – see below).

Note: Some software Engineers believe that Egyptian hieroglyphics are ancient computer programs. They have watched too man episodes of Stargate SG-1. The only Hardware Engineers to have treated hieroglyhics as a hardware design built a replica pyramid and temple in Las Vegas. One Software Engineer is reputed to have programmed the heiroglyphs of Seti IV’s tomb into a Cray supercomputer and come up with a beta version of the Microsoft Windows operating system.

COMMUNICATION PROTOCOLS

The other problem is one of attitude and prejudice. Take, for example, the old joke "How many Software Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer: "None, it’s a hardware problem."

Such deeply ingrained attitudes of mutual contempt are hard to change while Engineer stereotypes exist. Let’s face it, not all Software Engineers spend all day, every day at a PC screen writing code! No, they spend a substantial part of each day at the PC screen playing Quake or using the Internet to communicate with other Software Engineers (or surf porn sites). And not all Hardware Engineers spend their time blowing up circuit boards and watching waveforms on oscilloscopes. Indeed, some of them have never blown up anything and never make waves. Unfortunately, they are greatly outnumbered by stereotypes of Engineers and suffer by association. The key is: never treat an Engineer as a stereotype until he’s proved to be a stereotype. This normally takes 3 minutes and clues are: sense of humour, vocabulary and proficiency with actual hardware.

A Software Engineer will hold actual hardware at arm’s length in case it bites or, marginally more likely, blows up (something which Hardware Engineers could exploit if their sense of humour stretched to it). A true Hardware Engineer is so scared of computers that he thinks it will blow up if he hits the wrong key sequence (something Computer Geeks have exploited in a series of cruel, but oddly amusing, practical jokes).

Having identified whether an Engineer is a stereotypical software-phobic Venusian Hardware Engineer or a genuine Martian Computer Geek it’s possible for inter-species communication to occur.

When Software Engineers deal with a Hardware Engineer they must remember to speak to him slowly, avoiding innuendo, jokes and jargon (except for jargon-free jokes unrelated to computers) - he doesn’t know the difference between C++ and COBOL and his mind works on the literal level so that innuendo is interpreted as a syntax error. Never, under any circumstances, insult his probes! He will be unmoved by tales of 48 hour coding marathons and any attempt to describe local area networks and the relative benefits of token rings and ethernet backbones will confuse or irritate him.

When Hardware Engineers deal with a Software Engineer the following is essential: don’t offer to show him your probes as he will think it is a sexual offer; don’t ask him to hold any hardware as hardware terrifies him – he thinks it’s going to blow up; don’t use any words which could be misinterpreted as Software Engineers thrive on innuendo and smutty jokes (it compensates for lack of reproductive success in real life) and remember that he’s probably spent so long living his virtual life on the Internet that reality scares him (he thinks Star Trek is real life).

And above all, neither party should ever suggest checking out hardware-software interfaces or doing hardware-software integration unless they take appropriate precautions (we’re not talking static-safe wrist-straps here) to prevent the accidental generation of Firmware Engineers.

Note: The last Software Engineer who tried to perform a hardware-software interface audit got the surprise of her life. She was so impressed by hardware performance that she conducted a follow-up audit 35 minutes later. She has since gone through several hardware upgrades and probably has the only software that can genuinely be described as ‘worn out’. She has worked out the mean time before critical failure (MTBCF) of the hardware as 49 hours (continuous usage). Hardware Engineers have complained that the hardware was never designed to be used in quite that manner.



COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN

The best way to communicate with a Software Engineer is by email or in an Internet chat room. The best way to communicate with a Hardware Engineer is in slow, precise language that he can’t misunderstand.

The average Software Engineer may be seen as insensitive and self-absorbed. He appears to be too busy looking for the ‘magic eye effect’ in a screenful of code to acknowledge the presence of others. The communication-effort to Engineer-response ratio makes the activity unrewarding. The following example shows why Software Engineers appear to outsiders to be insensitive due to an inappropriate frivolous response to bad news (actual case). In actuality, the displayed behaviour was their way of coping with a bad situation.

Project stresses were so bad in one company that there had been one unexplained death (unconfirmed suicide), a confirmed suicide and two nervous breakdowns (one involved attempted suicide). The reaction of colleagues was to calculate odds on who would be next to crack, who would be next to ‘top themselves’ and the most likely method of suicide.

This cold, heartless, ignorance of others’ emotional needs was in fact the Software Engineers’ pressure release valve. That’s how things work on Mars. It did not, however, endear them to Hardware Engineers. Venusians like to sit down and discuss seriously what could have driven their colleagues to such desperate actions. That’s not to say that Hardware Engineers are any more in touch with their feelings than Software Engineers. They were simply looking for a solution to the problem of suicide. The result of their soul-searching was (a) safety check all electrical equipment; (b) hide all rope and (c) lock away all poisons. Meanwhile, Software Engineers were letting off emotional steam by hanging rope nooses from roof-supports, giving each other electric shocks and joking about strychnine in the coffee. There were no further suicides. Instead there was one suspicious death, four attempted murders and thirty four ‘suspicious incidents requiring medical attention’.

[hard candy]

F SOFTWARE ENGINEERING WAS LIKE CAR MECHANICS ….

What if software engineering was seen as a macho pursuit for the strutting, muscled, oil-covered macho guy stereotype rather than viewed as an occupation populated by the pale, weedy nerd with poor social skills stereotype?

It was a normal day in Singh's Software Maintenance Workshop. A piece of software was jacked up and two men in grimy overalls were delving around in it with an assortment of spanners, wrenches and medieval instruments of torture. They were watched by the software owner, a large guy in an open-neck check shirt and sloppy denim jeans with pockets full of pens, pencils, screwdrivers and other paraphernalia of what the true software mechanic disparagingly calls "a hobby softwarist".

"Where's my Number Two Debugging Iron?" growled Luke "Bug-Monkey" James, the senior software mechanic as he flipped open a function call, "I'm gonna get this baby so fine-tuned she'll purr!"

James dropped some small, heavy objects onto the concrete floor under the jacked-up software. Some are obviously faulty pointers which he has replaced with good ones.

"Bugs. The floating point arithmetic is full of them. Any idea how they're getting into the system? Hey Chip, you finding much under there?" asked James.

His team leader, Ash "Greasy Microchip" Singh, rolled himself out from underneath the main module of the program, "It's going to take more than an Optimising Wrench to get this loop pared down to the bone - and it's supposed to be time critical!"

"Can we shoehorn another library module into it?" asked the worried programmer, wringing his hands, "Maybe that will take the load off of the Function Injectors and give better throughput efficiency …"

"You'll never get another module into here," James retorted, "I've hardly got room for my Function Torque Wrench down here. The Null Return Pointer is jammed far too tight in against the RP Joint; hardly even room for a Logic Spanner. What on earth are you running this on anyway? Your filter is clogged with spare bits!"

Singh, muttered from under the main processor block, "You have to do a trade off between precision and speed - you want me to optimise this loop, you have to discard a few bits or risk clogging the pump. Anyhow, you're using old hat technology, should go Object Oriented if you want real oomph."

"You've been over-clocking this haven't you?" accused James, "Jeez," he gave a low whistle through his teeth, "you've got hardly any wear left in this FOR loop. And all that vibration has shaken the big numbers down to the bottom of the EPROM, no wonder you've been spitting out garbage. How many MIPS you been getting these last 30 man hours?"

"Errrm …" stammered the programmer.

"I'll have to replace the whole DO-WHILE, it's only got another few thousand MIPS left in it. And your DLL is just about shot," Singh grunted, wheeling himself out from under the main module. His face was covered in sweat and loose bits from the conversion function he'd been optimising.

"Hang on, I'm getting stack overflow problems up here," James retorted, "No point replacing the DO-WHILE till I've debugged the dynamic memory allocation - not unless you want to risk the heap running dry and the whole thing seizing up. That'd be a major headache to put right. Need a whole new memory allocation system and you'd have to lose the double indirection."

Singh muttered from beneath the software, "Any reason you really need to use UNIONs? If you sorted out the dynamic memory handling, the system will run swiftly without them. Some guys think it's flashy to have 'em, but it does nothing for maintainability. Cripes - BITSETs?"

The programmer mumbled in embarrassment, "All my friends have go-faster BITSETs …."

"But are they running this sort of application?" Singh asked.

"Singh - get out from under there!" James shouted, "Damn - too late!"

Singh scooted out from underneath the jack-up software, his face covered in HEX.

"Sorry mate, tried to warn you," James told his team leader.

"What happened?" asked the programmer.

"Damn thing just dumped its stack …" sighed Singh.



With unreserved apologies to non-stereotypical vehicle mechanics and software engineers.

[hard candy]

From http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...


The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

[hard candy]

How to generate a software version name

This is reprinted/hacked without permission from the original author, "Andrew C. Esh" <andrewes@cnt.com>

Informal names will be made up of an adjective, a small animal, A verb which is being performed by the small animal, and a substance or object being operated on by the verb. The specific words are determined by the digit of the version number.

Version
1. Greased
2. Turbocharged
3. Supercharged
4. Stealthy
5. Electrified
6. Tired
7. Crazy
8. Dyslexic
9. Unbeatable

Patchlevel
0. Chicken
1. GroundHog
2. Ostrich
3. HedgeHog
4. Penguin
5. Kitten
6. Owl
7. Shrew
8. Rabbit
9. Hawk

Sublevel (digit 1)
0. doing
1. selling
2. feeling the effects of
3. spewing
4. needing
5. buying
6. handing out
7. whining for
8. looking for
9. on

Sublevel (digit 2)
0. LSD
1. Quaaludes
2. Prozac
3. Pot
4. Whiskey
5. Steroids
6. Warm Milk
7. Hot Java
8. Mountain Dew (Caffeine laced Soda Pop)
9. Jolt Cola (Same as above, but "Twice the Caffeine", as they say on the label.)

This yields the following Linux kernel release names:
Kernel 1.1.18 was a Greased GroundHog selling Mountain Dew.
Kernel 1.3.95 is a Greased HedgeHog on Steroids.
Kernel 2.0.(0)0 will be a TurboCharged Chicken doing LSD.
Hope this clears things up.

[hard candy]

[ Ed. note - this was written by Don Snow (ds6w) a few days after the
incident (1988). The "friend sitting next to me" was none other than Gleef
(David Zoll dz0u) ]

(voiceover the dragnet theme):

On Jan 16, at approximately 2:00 am, a $4,000 laserwriter printer was
stolen from the main computing cluster of CMU. As the printer was not
alarmed and unwatched, the suspect simply walked in and carried it off.
Witnesses described the suspect as a black male, 6'2", very heavily built
and "mean looking". This is the story of how that printer was recovered. My
name is Don Snow. I'm a computer hacker. (Dragnet theme: dum, ta-dum, dum)

By Jan 16, 2:00, the word was out on all the bulletin boards. I was at my
usually scheduled post in the Baker Hall computer cluster. I worked until
6:00. My replacement was late, so I had to wait until they rotated somebody
over to relive me. At approximately 5:30, I received a strange phone call:

me: Baker hall, what can I do for you?

voice: are you in front of the printer right now?

me: no.


voice: can you get to the printer while still on the phone and still be in
front of a mac?

me: no, there is no mac next to this printer

voice:Ok, thanks, (whispered to people on the other side) just be quiet and
call security, I'll handle this.

[disconnected]

Obviously, something was up. (dum, ta-dum, dum)

At 5:50, received visit from campus security. Officer explained meaning of
phone call. Suspect had called the main computing center, claiming to be
the consultant in Baker Hall, asking how to hook up an apple laserwriter
printer to a macintosh. The call to me confirmed the fact that he was not
the consultant, because it was impossible to be on the phone and in front
of a mac and in front of the printer in Baker Hall as the suspect claimed.
(dum, ta - dum, dum daaaaa)

The word went out to all clusters who had laserwriters to be on the lookout
for a phone caller asking about laserwriters. At 6:20, I received another
call: me: baker hall, how can I help you?

voice: yeah, I'm the consultant over at the main computer center, and I
need to restart the laserwriter for the macintosh. I'm getting this strange
error message. Can you help me?

me: sure, let me get the manual.

I then put my hand over the receiver and whispered "security" to my friend
sitting next to me, who immediately got up and ran out of the cluster. I
then began to stall the person on the other line.

me: now, what is the error message?

voice: unauthorized password failure.

me: sounds bad. let me look it up.

(5 minute pause of holding the receiver)

me: no there's nothing here...oh, I see why. This is the dinky users manual
and not the reference manual. hold on.

(5 minute pause)

me: ok, I got the right one, here we go. I'm looking at the index now.

me: hold on, I have to help a user.

(5 minute pause)

me: ok, I think I know what the problem is. You probably have the print
options configured wrong.


voice: no, I have all the options under print right

me: do you have the reduced bit map set?

voice: that is not on the menu

me: its on a secondary menu

(I then begin to have him toggle all the print options. Security arrives
and begins phone trace)

(later, after toggling about 5 print options)

voice: what do you mean, try setting the font substitution? that should
have nothing to do with the password.

me: (I begin to spew out technical garbage) Actually, it might. the problem
might be that the fonts you are using are not standard, and thus, the mac
is giving the printer a non-standard password which the laserwriter doesn't
understand.

voice: but I'm using "times" font! that has to be standard!

me: (calmly) yes, but the version of "times" from the MacDraw document may
an old version and therefore be outdated and thus in a non-standard form
than that of the laserwriter, which is thus expecting the standard print
toggle from the mac. Toggling the font substitution would tell the mac to
send the codes to the printer triggering the printer to be ready to receive
non standard fonts, and thus allow a smooth transfer of your document from
mac to printer. try it.

voice: OH, i see now. let me do it. no, it still isn't working.

me: er, hold on, I have to help another user.

(5 minute pause)

[disconnected]

Total elapsed time of stall: 40 minutes. Phone trace: successful.

On Jan 18, suspect was arrested in possession of printer, along with
$20,000 more stolen computer hardware. Suspect made full confession. Case
closed (dum, ta - dum, dum daaaa, da da da dum!)


Inscription on gold plaque from Academic Computing:

"Presented to Donald Snow in recognition of his
invaluable assistance in the recovery of the LaserWriter stolen from the UCC cluster on January 16, 1988. Don's impersonation of a helpful user consultant held the thief on the phone long enough for a successful phone trace."

[xlilo]

this is cool, i love the joke by hard candy (the one with the drowning guy souting F1).
nice one hard candy.

[xlilo]

A computer geek was scard of his school exam results, his dad toled him if they were bad he will kick him out the house, so he broke into the exam database and atemted to change his grades, his grades were originally :

math : D, French : U, English D: geograthy : B, infomation tech : A, sciance D, history D,

wile he was changing them he noticed a school teacher was coming so he had to change his grades super fast, little did he know he miss typed some letters, instead of changing english: D to B he changed it to M, and instead of changing sciance and history fom D to A he changed it to S.
he got his results thinking it will say D,U,B,B,A,A,A,
INSTEAD HIS RESULTS READ :

math : D
french : U
english : M
geograthy : B
info tech : A
sciance : S
history : S

i just made this up

[XiaoKJ]

most of the posts here are copied from others, as I can read them from other sites.

BTW, xlilo, you need to spell better

[hard candy]

Microsoft Patents Open-Source

In a move that today stunned industry observers, Microsoft Corp (MSFT) has
defused what is widely viewed as the biggest threat to its operating
system monopoly by patenting the Open Source movement.

Open Source is considered to be the biggest rival to monolithic
application and operating system development, methods epitomised by
Microsoft but used by almost all other major software companies with the
recent exception of Apple Computer (APPL). Instead of all work on a
computer program being done in-house by one company, which then jealously
guards the instructions needed to make it -- the "source code" -- the
Open Source movement freely distributes the source code with the programs.
It is there for anyone to examine, modify, tweak or, more importantly,
fix. "Bugs often take a while to be discovered, tracked down and then
fixed." said Raymond S. Eric, a leading light of the Open Source movement.
"Instead of waiting for the company, a user can simply fix it himself".

The user would be encouraged, though not forced, to make this change
available to others but cannot charge money for it. "The Open Source
concept has been proved in Linux, networking security and cryptography and
it looks set for the big time" said Mr Eric. But now, perhaps not.
Microsoft appears to have nimbly side-stepped this threat by a clever use
of intellectual property laws. In its patent, headed "Multi-Optional
Nodeless Open Protocol Outsourced Licensing Yield", Microsoft has laid
claim to a method for "program development by multiple authors given
almost unrestricted access to source, subject only to the necessary
conditions needed to self-support the enterprise". According to Microsoft
spokesman Mr A.C. Doyle, it is a perfectly legitimate application: "Well,
we knew we couldn't beat it, so we did a quick search of the USPTO [US
Patent & Trademark Office] database to see if anyone else had registered
it and when it was free, we thought 'sod it, it's as much of a 'process'
as any other in the decided cases', so we nabbed it, along with a couple
hundred other unclaimed things, like cold fusion, bottomless bit buckets
and a machine to recycle 'chad' '."

Microsoft also reportedly paid $10,000 to acquire the "opensource.org" and
"monopoly.com" domains, after sending around men in dark glasses to
convince the former owners of the inevit^H^H^H^H^H^H wisdom of this move.

The success of this initiative has spurred other efforts on the software
giant's behalf. Microsoft is also expecting final evaluation of its Boies
patent, which should end the long-running antitrust suit against it. The
patent, "Effective Methods of Cross-Examination by the Utilisation of
Contradictory Circumstantial Evidence", would mean that Microsoft would
own all means of asking embarrassing questions and showing up
inconsistencies by directly contradicting witnesses' testimony with their
own previous words.

"Microsoft is finally taking as much control of the courtroom as it does
of the desktop", said one observer, "although we hope they won't try to
make us use active channels in court". Said Mr Doyle: "If the patent is
approved, Mr Boies will now have to pay substantial licensing fees if he
wishes to continue pursuing us in court, or change his methods to avoid
infringing on it. Maybe he could stick to asking questions about the
weather or the great new features of Windows 2000". If the patent is
approved, there should also be no opposition to acquiring Mr Gates'
ultimate objective, the patent on "The Use of Metal or Paper Medium as
Currency", in which the Government would be forced either to use
Microsoft-minted currency for circulation in the economy, or license the
greenback. "We don't really want to get rid of our trusty old currency,
but the nifty little OEM code and holographic sticker should help the
treasury defeat counterfeiting, or money piracy as it would know be
known," said Doyle. However, he refused to be drawn on claims that the
licensing move might also require putting Bill Gates Jr's faces on all
banknotes, claiming that only the ones on the front of the banknote might
need to be replaced, perhaps in a compromise for putting Steve Balmer on
the 20 dollar note. The Governments of several African and European
countries are said already to have agreed, in principle, to start using
MS-Money(TM) instead of their own currencies, as part of a
Microsoft-sponsored equity for debt bail-out. But, as Mr Doyle conceded,
"we don't really know how popular the MS-Drachma or MS-Mark would be among
the populace".

[hard candy]

Microsoft Copyrights The Semi-Colon

In a move expected to have far-reaching impact, Microsoft today announced that
it had successfully copyrighted the semi-colon. Hereafter, the ";" will be
replaced by ";©". In a prepared statement, Mr. Jose Fuentes, chief technical
lawyer for Microsoft said:

"Microsoft has today successfully copyrighted the semi-colon. While some may
decry the removal from the public domain of a standard keyboard and ASCII
character, in fact, few in any non-technical writers use the semi-colon. Those
who do so, use it incorrectly. The major use of the semi-colon is confined to
the C and C++ programming languages, and frankly most people who work in those
languages are employed either directly by Microsoft or through subcontracts.
The subcontracts will be written to mitigate the impact of the user fee, to be
established in the near future."

While he did not elaborate, sources close to Mr. Fuentes have intimated that
the user fee will be determined on a per-use basis of the semi-colon, and is
expected to be approximately 0.061 cents per use. The same sources would not
comment on rumors that Microsoft is pursuing copyright action on the
parentheses.

[hard candy]

Seven Dead As Portal To Hell Opens At Microsoft



REDMOND, WA - Financial kingpin Bill Gates was unreachable at press time
to comment on a giant sucking vortex that materialized above Microsoft
headquaters last week, wreaking havoc and chaos upon the employees of
the multimedia mogul.

Seven dismembered technicians were found strewn about the offices, many
with demons and winged serpents feasting upon their flesh. Fortunately
work was not delayed by this ghastly and gruesome crime, for the seven
technicians were "*******s anyway," and "couldn't code worth a damn,"
according to their teammates and friends at Microsoft.

Police reports state that Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft, became
agitated and summoned the foul demonic beings. His rage apparently was a
result of a recent article in Time magazine in which Gates explained the
rise of Microsoft as "My sweat and blood; it was me alone against the
elements, working out of my garage and eating my mother's cookies, and
had nothing to do with that bastard Allen."

Mr. Allen apparently took offense, and worshipping the evil Lord of the
Damned, set forth the fire and brimstone of hell to plague the halls of
Microsoft. Allen, out on bail and vacationing in Jamaica, refused to
comment, but this statement was supplied by his lawyers: "Mr. Allen
denies all charges, although assures the press that he will promptly pay
for his innocence and see that justice for the rich prevails."

Meanwhile, traffic outside the computer juggernaut's building was
delayed for hours as hundreds of thrill-seekers and Satan-worshipers
from the surrounding countryside lined up in their cars to witness "the
coming of our Lord Gates' majesty," as one local put it. Others,
apparently unshaken by the whirlpool of evil, recorded the event with
their handicams and camcorders as the swirling mass of insanity spewed
black clouds of death. "It was just a matter of time," explained Tanya
Daulton, a local book store clerk who had taken the day off to join the
growing crowds outside Microsoft headquaters. "I'm just glad to have
lived long enough to see it come to pass."

Local police and firefighters contained the milling crowds against the
apocolyptic doom contorting above their heads. When complimented on
their efficient and timely response to the situation, Officer Shmeck of
the Redmond Police Force went on record as saying, "We've had this
contingency covered for years now...and so far we have kept everyone
safe and away from the brimstone." When asked as to the safety of
employees still inside the builiding, Shmeck shrugged and uttered, "Eh."

Four hours later, Satan's minions finally departed, leaving Microsoft's
offices wrecked, employees killed, and bathrooms soiled. Bill Gates was
rumored to have cut short his annual tour of Asian whorehouses to return
to his prodigal company and see to its repairs. Cindy Brockwell, an
employee at Microsoft for 3 years now, witnessed the slaying of several
co-workers first hand. She was overheard in a conversation with herself
as saying, "Well, there goes a perfectly good day, first Satan and now
Bill's coming back."

And as for Microsoft's deadline for its new operating system due out
next fall, dubbed "Windows 6.66", the event has not affected its
unveiling, still being slated 9 months late and years behind in
techincal support.

[hard candy]

i just made this up

It was good :D
Don't worry about XiaoKJ, he's still mad because he found out he uses the wrong distro. :)

[hard candy]

If your computer produced error messages in haiku...
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

[hard candy]

New Element Discovered
The heaviest element known to science was discovered recently by physicists at the Naval Research Laboratory in Washington, DC. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administatium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administatium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons change places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, and the United Nations. It can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administatium is know to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any positive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determin how Administatium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[XiaoKJ]

Originally posted by hard candy
Don't worry about XiaoKJ, he's still mad because he found out he uses the wrong distro. :)

Yeah, why is Slackware still on my damned computer??? It should have been removed to let me test out Gentoo all over again... :D

HC, maybe I can transfer that to you. You want very much to use that wrong distro of mine. BTW, my gentoo partition is brimming with life, and I don't see any wrong with it. Instead its that Slackware that I see no truth in.

Best Regards,
Idiot King.

[hard candy]

BTW, my gentoo partition is brimming with life,
Does this mean your hard disk has mold growing on it? :D

[dalek]

Originally posted by XiaoKJ
Yeah, why is Slackware still on my damned computer??? It should have been removed to let me test out Gentoo all over again... :D


You need help with that Gentoo. I have done installs over ssh before. :p

Later

:D :D :D :D

[PeteTheNotSoGr8]

ahh hard candy is sorry he isn't eye candy anymore (or ever was)

too few of his gray hairs on that heaad of his

[hard candy]

Computer freak husband

(returning late from office)
Husband: "Good evening Dear I'm now logged in"
wife : Have u brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or file name
wife : But i told u in morning
Husband: Erroneous syntax,Abort?
wife : What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
wife : At least give me your credit card,i want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing violation,Access denied...
wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband:Too many parameters...
wife : it was a great mistake that i married an idiot like you
Husband: Data type mismatch
wife : You are useless.
Husband: It's by Default.
Wife: What about your salary ?
Husband: File in use...Try later.
Wife:What is my value in this family.
Husband: Unknown virus.

[hard candy]

Entry in Bill Gate's Diary #1
Seventh day: rested.
Entry in Bill Gate's Diary #2
Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
Entry in Bill Gate's Diary #3
Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
Entry in Bill Gate's Diary #4
Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
Entry in Bill Gate's Diary #5
Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
Entry in Bill Gate's Diary #6
Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
Entry in Bill Gate's Diary #7
Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
Entry in Bill Gate's Diary #8
Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
Entry in Bill Gate's Diary #9
The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.
Entry in Bill Gate's Diary #10
Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet.
Entry in Bill Gate's Diary #11
Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.

[XiaoKJ]

Originally posted by hard candy
Does this mean your hard disk has mold growing on it? :D

You left out another option -- your English needs to improve.

Shame on you -- how can you as a native English-speaking person lose to a Chinese-educated?


:D

[XiaoKJ]

Originally posted by dalek
You need help with that Gentoo. I have done installs over ssh before. :p

Later

:D :D :D :D

At least not now -- I needed help long ago before you were born, and I used the manual and CONTEXTUAL KNOWLEDGE to overcome it.

Damn. I feel old.